Recent Blog Posts

The Loneliness Pill

Thu, 12 Mar 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Really, a Pill for Loneliness?

There truly is research going on for this right now.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/jan/26/pill-for-loneliness-psychology-science-medicine

It is not that this isn’t a major problem. It is a huge issue now and trends show it having grown.

22% of adults in the USA “always or often” feel lonely. “54% said they always or sometimes feel that no one knows them well.”

You may find these numbers alarming or they may comfort you to know you are not alone in feeling alone.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/neilhowe/2019/05/03/millennials-and-the-loneliness-epidemic/#c7331c57676a

We can all guess at the causes and trends that have led to this. More importantly though, let’s talk about ways to fix this. Even if you are in the statistical side that is not feeling this way, likely half of the people in your life do want more connection.

This is not about introvert/extrovert although it likely has some influences.

I’m pretty extroverted, consider myself to have lots of friends but still have to consciously work at putting myself in situations where I can be seen, heard and known. There are so many things that influence us not being truly seen very often.

Among the long list:

We could all keep adding to this list.

Meanwhile, “over the last 30 years pet ownership has gone from 56% to 68%”. Younger people account for 62% of pet ownership.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/richardkestenbaum/2018/11/27/the-biggest-trends-in-the-pet-industry/#1fe59861f099

Why am I bringing that up? I think our desire for pets really shines a light on our legitimate needs - to be loved, to love, for companionship and for physical affection.

Most of us would agree that your relationship with your dog is less complicated than most of your human relationships. Your dog is likely happy to see you every time you come home. Probably doesn’t hold a grudge for long. May never ask you to share your feelings and also will stay with you when you do express deep emotions.

I’m all for pet ownership. However, your pet is not capable of some of the emotional intimacy that I think we all need.

There is incredible power in being known and loved. Increasing these meaningful connections in our lives does not just magically happen.

Those of you, like me, that have moved to new places know that it takes time to even figure out who you might want to be friends with. Then it takes time to feel known - there’s nothing like that friend that has known you for many years, through so many circumstances. However, conscious effort can really speed up that process.

What are some ways to decrease your loneliness (and someone else’s)?

Obviously this list could go on and on too. The list is not the hard part - making the time for deeper connection a priority is the hard part.

What will you do in the next few weeks to fill your relationship tank up?

I’m with you - I’ll be setting my own goals here!

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, CEC, PCC is an executive and leadership coach with Capacity Building Coaching , and training partner on EQ-i 2.0 with MHS. She is also co-owner of new Texas Hill Country eco event center and wellness retreat, The Cedars Ranch .

Marilyn provides professional coaching for executives and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training, soft-skills development, facilitation of key discussions and team coaching. Would you like to work with Marilyn? Reach Out to her today.

Increasing Your Emotional Awareness

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 06:00:00 GMT

A dear friend of mine said to me once, “you know what I need before I do”.

Being sensitive to emotions and subtle language cues is not something I was born doing. In my mid-twenties I was oblivious to my own anger. I mean, really oblivious. I had anger in the “bad, very bad” category and was exceptional at suppressing my own - from others but from me too.

Following a number of very unpleasant wake-up calls, I started the healing journey that opened the way for me to feel more and notice more.

My kids might not believe this but there was a day when I had to learn how to cry again. (For that story you’d have to buy me a glass of wine or a good coffee!)

As I learn more about emotional intelligence it amazes me how much is tied to our own emotional awareness.

How can we turn up the volume on our own emotional awareness?

First of all, let’s be clear, this will mean feeling the yucky stuff more. Yup. So why would you want to do this then?

It means you get to …

• turn up the volume on feeling the good stuff too

• it improves your early warning system

• improves your ability to notice changes in others

• gives you a chance to detox your emotions more effectively

• let’s you make healthier choices around food, exercise, relationships

• improves communication with others, be that in sales, conflict or love

That’s a lot of benefit.

There is probably a way to disable the low fuel light in my car. Why would I want to do that? Perhaps I could argue that I don’t like seeing that light. That would be ridiculous. The slight discomfort (or large discomfort in some situations) is meant to be there. Running out of gas is very unpleasant!

With our emotional warning system we all have practiced ignoring or minimizing it. It’s like putting duct tape over the little red light on your dash.

We minimize our signals for lots of reasons:

• I don’t want to admit what I think might be happening because it would be painful

• Right now I don’t have the energy to feel worse, I’m burned out

• Perhaps I’m making too much of this and if I ignore it, it will get better

• Being responsible for blowing something up is really uncomfortable

• We don’t trust ourselves to be able to handle the truth effectively

When my low fuel light comes on I get pretty focused. Where is the next gas station and how long will it take me to get there?

What if instead of worrying about all the possible implications and reasons for not paying attention to our niggling little emotional warnings, we simply had one next step?

Perhaps to increase the effectiveness of your emotional awareness you name the subtle feeling that you are good at minimizing. Then you name the more effective way you will acknowledge it.

Here is an example:

When I notice that I want to eat a big bowl of something crunchy in the evening I will admit that it is tied to an emotional trigger. I’m going to get out a paper and write down the emotional highlights and low lights from my day.

Yours might look totally different.

When do you tend to ignore or minimize emotional signals?

What practice can help you pay more attention to them?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is running a 2-day training course this March for professionals wishing to become certified in administering the EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 tool. The certification program is being held March 19 - 20 at The Cedars Ranch, Wimberley. Register Today !

Promoting Your Brand

Thu, 26 Dec 2019 14:56:38 GMT

Write about something you know. If you don’t know much about a specific topic that will interest your readers, invite an expert to write about it.

Speak to your audience
Take a few moments to plan your post
Don’t forget to add images
Edit carefully before posting

You know your audience better than anyone else, so keep them in mind as you write your blog posts. Write about things they care about. If you have a company Facebook page, look here to find topics to write about

Once you have a great idea for a post, write the first draft. Some people like to start with the title and then work on the paragraphs. Other people like to start with subtitles and go from there. Choose the method that works for you.

Be sure to include a few high-quality images in your blog. Images break up the text and make it more readable. They can also convey emotions or ideas that are hard to put into words.

Once you’re happy with the text, put it aside for a day or two, and then re-read it. You’ll probably find a few things you want to add, and a couple more that you want to remove. Have a friend or colleague look it over to make sure there are no mistakes. When your post is error-free, set it up in your blog and publish.

Ho Ho Ho or Humbug?

Thu, 19 Dec 2019 18:00:00 GMT

Although the potential for a happy holiday is present for many of us there are any number of ways that it can go sideways and be highly stressful.

This blog post is for you. The few of you that have an easy holiday ahead, I applaud you and remind you to really appreciate how amazing that is, and likely, how rare.

The potential de-railers come in a number of forms: relatives that we find difficult to be around, a lack of control over our own schedule, too much time socializing (if you are more introverted), food that makes you feel gross but you eat anyway, lack of routine, disappointments around gifts, etc.

Over the years of therapy first, and now 15 years of coaching, I have come up with or adopted some sayings that help me make good decisions. Some of them are downright sassy. Sometimes I say these things out loud and sometimes they are in my head. Either way they help me set or guard boundaries or cope with stresses in less offensive ways when others are involved.

1. I’m the Boss of Me!

I have choices all day long. I’m not a small child with limited choices. I choose what I eat and I choose whether to give in to pressure from others on what to eat, subtle or overt. I choose when to go to bed, if I need a break, how often I sneak a little work in, if I want to exercise and how much alcohol I consume.

What kind of boss I’m going to be is also my choice. I don’t need to be an angry or defensive boss. I’d like to choose to be a confident boss, knowing what my best choices are and feeling comfortable making them without the need to justify or defend.

2. Ouch!

There are times when someone says or does something painful or disrespectful that don’t need a huge defensive or offensive response. Sometimes a one-word response such as “ouch” can make the point that a boundary has been crossed.

The effectiveness of this minimal response is that it draws immediate attention to the action and clearly lobbies the ball back in to the court of the one who initiated the harm originally.

3. Not My Monkey, Not My Circus!

All around us people are making poor choices with some troublesome consequences. I’m responsible for me. I’m happy to help other people. I choose to take time though to evaluate situations and decide when I’m crossing over from something that is within my area of responsibility or not.

Watching train wrecks about to happen is not fun. Overtaking the power of choice from someone else in order to “help” them often does the opposite. Even when it is not a choice I would make, respecting the power of others to make choices and live with their consequences is respectful. This is not about not offering support but refraining from interfering and rescuing.

So, my holiday wish for you is that you make the choices that will really give you a refreshing and life-giving holiday season!

Happy Holidays and Ho Ho Ho Y’all!

Marilyn

Are you Smarter Than All Your Friends?

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 18:00:00 GMT

Are you Smarter Than All Your Friends?

This is meant to be sassy. Here’s the point. Are you surrounded by people that just appreciate who you are without challenging you or pushing you towards a better you?

It is amazing to have people around us that affirm us. Incredible to have encouragement, positive feedback, praise and acknowledgment.

More importantly, or at least in addition, we need friends and colleagues who will kindly but clearly point out gaps in our thinking, habits we should be embracing, information we should be paying attention to.

A pattern I have seen in my life and witnessed with clients is that once a big, hard decision has been made friends and family come out of the woodwork with comments such as “finally!” or “I never did like …”, etc.

How do we reconcile respecting each other’s boundaries, not forcing opinions and advice on others and yet having the courage to offer insight and feedback when we see significant concerns?

This obviously differs depending on the kind of relationship we are talking about. Obviously, with my coaching clients it is my job to give this kind of feedback and observation. In the coaching world we call it “direct communication” and it is one of the competencies that we need to grow as coaches.

So, what about direct reports? Here is where I notice the need for growth in so many leaders. What is the language we can use to offer feedback without harming the trust in the relationship?

Some feedback and suggestions are just part of our job as managers of people. There is a duty to our direct reports to support them in their growth, not just them getting their tasks done. Regular meetings where the conversation includes discussion around growth goals make this more simple and effective.

Permission based feedback is always best beyond the basics. This can take the form of an ongoing agreement in a relationship where both parties expressly agree to commit to each other at this deep level.

Here are some examples of what that might sound like:

“Would you be willing to partner with me and support my growth and development by being open to giving and receiving honest insight and feedback regularly?”

“I’d love your insight in to what I can do differently and better and I’d be open to sharing mine with you. Does that appeal to you? How often should we set aside time to do that?”

All of these scenarios work better when they are two-way. Trust is maintained more easily when it is not just top-down.

Similar principles apply when it is colleagues or friends. Taking the first step to see if there is openness to speaking in to each other’s lives at this level paves the way.

I sure don’t give just anyone this freedom in my life. Lots of people give me advice, weekly, on where to advertise, how to market, how to make my book a top seller, what plants to put in at my venue, etc. We need filters for what to pay attention to and what to gently let slide on by.

Pick those people well that you would be willing to have give you feedback and insights. Make sure they are people you trust to do so without ulterior motives. Make time for this to happen regularly. This takes out a lot of the weirdness because you aren’t only having a meeting when you have a big concern.

We are working on that for ourselves. It isn’t always easy to get feedback but it can save a whole lot of heartache and loss.

Who can you put on your growth and development team?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Finding Your Voice

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 17:00:00 GMT

In a couple weeks I have the honor of speaking with up to 200 people about advocating for oneself. Finding our voice - not just to speak up for ourself but to create opportunities for advancement, acknowledgement and compensation.

This is such an important topic. So many messages get in the way of us promoting ourselves.

The list goes on and on.

How do we move towards healthy self-promotion, advocating for ourself but not crossing over in to arrogance?

What is the difference between arrogance and healthy self-promotion? How about arrogance versus healthy confidence?

As an observer of someone else it can be hard to tell the difference between confidence, arrogance and insecurity. Arrogance shows up as an attitude that sees oneself as better than others. Often it is hiding insecurity. The arrogance is over compensating for the internal struggle with self-worth, likely unconscious.

So, how do we move toward the healthy version of this.

I love this old verse - very roughly paraphrased - ‘Don’t think too highly of yourself but use sober judgement.’

Practice noticing and acknowledging your positive traits, qualities, talents, gifts, etc.

This can be very uncomfortable in itself. For me it is helpful for me to see my talents as a gift I was given and am the responsible steward of. When I look at them this way I can acknowledge them more easily, knowing that I was given them and entrusted with them.

What are 5 things about you that are wonderful? That you like?

List your accomplishments - the bigger ones that you sure can be proud of and celebrate.

Spending time self-acknowledging our accomplishments can help us feel ready for new challenges. It can also help us practice the language we need to share our accomplishments with others when appropriate.

What are the top 3 accomplishments you are most proud of?

Name the fears that have held you back from using your voice for yourself.

Rejection, jealousy, misunderstanding, etc. can really keep us from moving forward and becoming all we can be. We play small to not make the people around us uncomfortable with our abilities. We play small because we are uncomfortable with our own potential or strength.

If fears and concerns no longer controlled you, what would you like more of in your career?

Finding a voice to pursue more of what you want may not happen in one easy step. Often the first step towards this is increasing our own comfort with seeing who we really are. Enjoying our good qualities and saying them out loud is a great starting place.

Bonus Homework - if you are willing, make a magazine cover highlighting you! This is the successful, amazing you that the world needs to know about! You can do this about current you or about future you who has realized some more growth and dreams.

You know I’d love to see your magazine cover pages please if you do this!!!! ( marilyn@CapacityBC.com )

Until next time,

Shine on!

Marilyn

Emotional Intelligence & Releasing Our Inner Critic

Thu, 26 Sep 2019 17:30:00 GMT

Sometimes I get asked how I come up with my ideas for blogging. Truly, it is life and what is going on around me.

Blogging has been great for giving me eyes to look at life and try to see the lessons and analogies that could be helpful.

So, two things I’ve been focused on in the past few weeks have collided inside my brain and you, lucky readers, lol, get to hear about it.

Emotional intelligence is something you know I’m passionate about if you have been following my blog. Lately though it is taking more center stage. I delivered an introductory session to the International Coach Federation San Antonio chapter lately. This week I’ll be delivering training on being an emotionally effective leader. Next week I’ll be certifying a couple of other coach colleagues in using the EQ-i 2.0 tool. (For more information, click here: Emotional Intelligence Training )

Meanwhile, in our personal lives we have been enjoying the company of an amazing young lab. Her name is Shine. She’s 3 and is trained as a diabetic service dog. We are the ones that have to get trained - she is already.

Learning to work well with Shine has highlighted a couple of emotional intelligence categories for me.

First. For her to take us seriously we need to be firm and assertive with her when giving a command. Not angry. Not mean. Just the kind of voice intonation that implies we expect her to do what we say.

Shine knows when we are not assertive enough. She can play us like any 3-year-old! Part of our training is not to just keep saying her name and the command when she doesn’t respond because then we are teaching her that we don’t need to be listened to obeyed right away.

She is a diabetic service dog. Not cool if we undo the importance of her immediate response by our lack of assertiveness.

Someday I will figure out how to combine assertiveness training with dog obedience school!

We do teach others how to treat us! Assertiveness is being able to clearly articulate what we want/feel/think with clarity (not minimizing ourself or harming others).

The second emotional intelligence sub-scale that Shine has highlighted for me is Self-Regard.

Let me back up here and bring Dr. Kristin Neff in to the story. We had the honor of having her speak at our opening wellness event in April at our Ranch ( The Cedars Ranch , Wimberley, TX).

We were learning about our inner critic and self-compassion. Instead of just teaching us how to quiet our inner critic she shared something profound.

Here is where our stories merge. When Shine has on her service dog cape she is “on duty”. It is a signal to her and to others that she is not just a carefree dog but is working.

Those of us that grew up with some family stresses learned patterns to keep us ‘safe’. I learned to be the ‘good girl’, to be sweet (I know, hard to believe, lol), invisible and not to ever be angry. My inner critic was given the job of keeping me safe and has been on duty for many years.

Dr. Neff suggested that those patterns that are now dysfunctional as adults were put there when we were younger as an attempt to support us. They can include pressure to suppress feelings, be less assertive and lower our self-regard. It is safer to take the blame than to confront an angry adult.

What if we thanked our inner critic for the service that he/she has offered and let him/her off duty?

In Shine language the cape would come off and the command would be “FREE”.

If your inner critic was put off-duty what would change for you?

What can your dog teach you about emotional intelligence?

Until next time

Marilyn

How To Unleash Creativity & Innovation In Your Team

Thu, 29 Aug 2019 17:30:00 GMT

Lately I’ve been reminded about the power of diversity. It can come in so many forms. Right away my mind goes to cultural diversity but there are so many important aspects of diversity. Age, socio-economic backgrounds, gender etc.

Just read this great article on being an inclusive leader. It is a Harvard Business Review. Here’s the link:

Why Inclusive Leaders are Good for Organizations and How to Become One

We are living in a time, especially in the US, where polarization is rampant. One of the patterns that emerges in this environment is that it is tempting to feel more certain that our own way of seeing the world is the right way.

I love how this article highlights humility as an important trait in being an inclusive leader. Humility is not just the opposite to arrogance. I love how it’s put here humility “create(s) the space for others to contribute.”

How do we create environments where others are safe and encouraged to contribute? The strengths we get from diversity only can come when we clearly welcome ideas different from our own. As leaders we not only need to let go of control but also have the responsibility of unleashing the flow of ideas, creativity and innovation within our teams.

I think there is a great parallel in coaching. As a coach I don’t “have the answers”. I expect them to come from the person I’m coaching. There are a number of things that help unleash the coachee’s creativity and innovative ideas. Let’s list them from a coaching perspective but think of them applying to the teams and departments that we work in.

In no specific order … :

1. create a judgment-free zone where ideas, admissions and dreams are not mocked, shut-down or minimized;

2. start out curious, stay curious, and find joy in wondering about the ‘what if”s instead of the “why not”s;

3. separate out the ideas and brainstorming from the temptation to immediately list why it can’t work - just get those ideas flowing;

4. look for the unique strengths and characteristics in the other person that will support the ideas that are emerging;

5. listen “beneath the words” - hear where they are energized, what they are not saying, when encouragement would help; and

6. acknowledge feelings so they are not silently sabotaging the emergence of something new.

What else? What are the practices, the messages and the modeling that would support the strengths of divergent thought on your team?

How is the comfort zone of the familiar limiting you? Limiting your department? Your company?

Reach out if you’d like to share more ideas with me - I’d sure love to hear!

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, CEC, PCC is a leadership and mentor coach with Capacity Building Coaching , and training partner on EQ-i 2.0 with MHS. She is also co-owner of new Texas Hill Country eco event center and wellness retreat, The Cedars Ranch .

Marilyn is running a 2-day training class in October for professionals wishing to become certified in administering the EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 tool. The certification program is being held October 1st & 2nd in Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada. Register Today!

Uncover Your Blindspots With This Emotional Intelligence Tool

Thu, 01 Aug 2019 17:00:00 GMT

Blessed blindspots ... We all have them. Those parts of how we see ourself or how we relate to others that just don’t quite line up with how others experience us.

These blindspots can cause all kinds of issues for us - from preventing us from getting promoted to stress in our closest relationships.

There are many ways to uncover these blindspots - ask your partner what you do that’s annoying, complete a 360 evaluation or simply have kids and wait until they are teenagers, they will tell you, for sure!

A tool that I’ve been doing a lot of work with though is a tool that measures 15 specific scales within emotional intelligence. Not only do your scores on each scale paint a picture but, perhaps even more importantly, the relationships between key scales is very critical.

The EQ-i 2.0® is one of the most researched psychological assessments in the marketplace. It is the most widely used emotional intelligence tool in the world.

Imagine that the assessment for a manager that you are working with comes back showing that empathy is low and impulse control is also low. It is highly likely that this manager may be acting rashly in uncaring ways with members of their team. Not realizing that they are not taking the feelings of others in to account effectively will be an important point of discussion. Looking at how they may not be effectively resisting or delaying taking actions will be a separate point of discussion.

Now, let’s put these two together. This manager is likely not taking time to consider how his/her impulsive reactions may be damaging relationships and how emotionally insensitive the interactions may be.

This combination can then lead you further to look at the score for interpersonal relationships, emotional expression and emotional self-awareness.

Being able to look at growth areas with the specific data provided by this tool is a very efficient way to determine where to focus development energy.

I’m super happy to be able to now offer certification classes to coaches, HR professionals, psychologists, etc. in this EQ-i 2.0 tool and the 360 version of it.

The next 2 classroom times being offered for EQ-i 2.0® and EQ 360® certification are:

In Wimberley, TX - Aug. 27-28

In Saint John, NB, Canada, Oct. 1-2

There are 3 short self-modules to listen to ahead of class time. Also before class the training includes you completing your own assessment and having an hour debrief with me.

If this interests you I’d be happy to chat further about it. Reach out at (512) 413-3537 or marilyn@capacitybc.com

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is running a 2-day training class this August for professionals wishing to become certified in administering the EQ-i 2.0® and EQ 360® tool. The certification program is being held August 27th and 28th at The Cedars Ranch, Wimberley, TX. Register Today !

Marilyn, in conjunction with Vision Coaching Inc., is also running this 2-day certification program in Saint John, NB Canada, October 1st and 2nd. Register Today!

How To Bring Moments Of Wellness Into Your Day

Thu, 27 Jun 2019 05:00:00 GMT

This week I'm sharing a blog post I wrote this time last year on the topic of wellness and living in the present moment. I think it's a great reminder for us all in our busy lives ...

There is a bumper sticker in the town where I live that says something to this effect: “If I’m driving too slow for you, you are in the wrong town”.

Depending what mood I’m in or if I’m in a hurry I either find this adorable or very frustrating.

Some of you are living extremely busy work and personal lives. How, in the middle of that kind of pace can we practice “being in the moment”?

There is so much research out now about the benefits of meditation and related practices such as yoga. We know that exercise removes stress from our body.

What do all of these things have in common? For one, they keep our brain focused on the present moment.

Let’s contrast that to anxiety and worry. Anxiety and worry thoughts are usually focused on future possibilities or re-living or re-hashing things that have already happened.

It is phenomenal, in a bad way, how much energy we can put in to the future and the past. It is striking how much energy we put in to thinking about things that will never happen. (How many hours have you spent this week alone on this?)

So, in super busy lives with plenty of stresses, how can we increase the amount of time we can focus our brain on the present moment?

This doesn’t work well!

I want to use a parallel from coaching. When people, me included, learn to coach they tend to feel a lot of pressure to be thinking up the best, most powerful question possible for their client. The natural pitfall is to be contemplating your next question while your coachee is still talking.

The best way to be as a coach is in pure listening mode - listening for what is said, what is not being said, energy changes, pace changes, etc. It definitely took me some time to get there, took some re-training. There was plenty of repeating our mantra “trust the process”. Strikingly when we practiced being fully in the moment with the client listening well, the questions would be there. Often, by listening so deeply the question was quite different than if it had been created earlier.

How do we borrow from this idea for real life? The mantra from yoga class is also helpful: “Notice without judging”.

What if we could train our brain in the everyday moments? What if while I’m having my coffee I can simply focus on the sensation in my mouth, how it feels sliding down my throat, how it smells. I’m not taking any more time doing this. I’m going to drink my coffee anyway. Noticing sensations in the moment helps to train my brain to be present. It provides a moment of wellness, possibly in the middle of a very stressful day.

That may sound too small to do any good, but it is a pattern of being that we can slowly grow. When I’m eating, enjoy the flavor, the texture, the aroma of my food. When I’m in the shower stop planning and just enjoy the hot water landing on my skin.

This way of maximizing on your life lets you have moments of wellness and peace in the middle of craziness, frequently.

In the middle of some of my most intense stress, this practice allowed me to pause and find the part of me that was totally fine in that moment.

It honestly became hard to answer the question “how are you?” because I felt like I had 2 different answers. My circumstances were horrific but as a way of coping I was doing more of this practice of being fully present in the moment. In those moments I felt whole, safe, even happy.

Here is my challenge to you, and to me:

Pick 5 things you do regularly, routinely and commit to practicing being totally present during them. Notice how they are impacting your 5 senses. Notice what your body is feeling.

What 5 things can be your reminders to be fully present in the moment?

If you are interested in dedicating a whole day to wellness and practicing present moment awareness, read more about our upcoming Yoga & Wellness Day here at The Cedars Ranch . Reset, reconnect and rejuvenate with a day of yoga, meditation and wellness sessions, Saturday July 20th, on our 20 acres of Texas Hill Country heaven!

Give yourself the gift of wellness! Click here to get your wellness day pass:

Yoga & Wellness Day

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is running a 2-day training class this August for professionals wishing to become certified in administering the EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 tool. The certification program is being held August 27th and 28th at The Cedars Ranch. Register Today !

Resiliency in Action

Thu, 30 May 2019 18:00:00 GMT

The American Psychological Association gives this definition of resilience:

"The ability to adapt well to adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, and even significant sources of stress.”

If life didn’t come with lots of stress we wouldn’t need to focus on resilience so often.

Since there is no shortage of stress, never mind adversity and trauma, we need to be actively engaged in increasing the behaviors, the thinking and the emotions that support us being able to bounce back to full functioning.

If you leave an elastic (the very definition of bouncing back) in the freezer long enough it becomes brittle.

June 28-30 we are offering a small group women’s retreat weekend at The Cedars Ranch focused on resilience - a chance to do the work that increases your capacity for living life and a chance to gain some tools! It's going to be a beautiful, inspiring and rejuvenating weekend at our new wellness retreat space in the gorgeous Texas Hill Country. Tickets are limited, so make sure and purchase yours today! What better gift could you give yourself than a chance to increase your ability to be well regardless of what is going on in your life?

Now, to an everyday story of resilience.

Alyssa Duty is my step-daughter and lives in Houston, TX. She is an inspiration in so many ways but I wanted to capture her new insights and self-awareness after running her first marathon recently. They point to resilience in so many ways.

Q: Alyssa, what was it about doing a marathon that appealed to you?

A: It was a huge challenge I wanted to take on after I had my second baby. I ended up having an emergency C-section. The surgery and recovery were so difficult. It helped me to realize that I’d been taking my body and health for granted.

I made a deal with myself that once I was recovered I would start training for a marathon.

Q: So it was about giving yourself a challenge or was it about caring for your body.

A: It was about both - more about giving myself a challenge and pushing my body to its limit. It was also about setting a goal to see what it would be like to push myself to a physical limit. Training for a marathon came with very strategic layouts that I could use from starting all the way to the marathon. That appealed. A lot of my other future goals have a less clear path with less predictable outcomes.

The training for the marathon, although extremely difficult, was do “A” plus “B” and get to “C”. Even though it was hard it worked.

Q: What did you learn about yourself in the process?

A: I learned I could stick to a training plan - that I can be dedicated and driven. I could see my determination and then once the actual race happened I saw myself the most. It was THE hardest thing that I had to push myself through in terms of physical pain and mental toughness.

My body wanted me to stop but my brain was saying to keep going even though I was in an extreme amount of pain.

I learned how tough I can be.

Q: How does that new self-awareness translate in to other parts of your life.

A: I think it has given me more confidence in myself because I learned that I can handle more than I thought I could.

Q: What lessons did you learn in the process that you would love to share with others.

A: I want people to believe that they too can set a goal and set steps to get there. It is about how much time and energy and effort you are willing to put in to it. Sometimes these goals can take years.

Q: You mentioned earlier how the laid out steps supported you in reaching this goal. How do you plan to use a similar strategy of bite-size goals to reach other goals in your life?

A: By looking at the end goal of what I want and then coming up with ideas for steps I could take to get there. Also creating a timeline for what might work and finding ways to keep myself accountable. At the end of the day I need to be willing to change the plan.

One of the other things I learned was that things often don’t go just the way we think they will.

During the training for the marathon I got sick quite a bit. In the 5 weeks leading up to the race I was sick every week with something, including strep throat the week before. The plan that I was using didn’t work but instead of giving up I made adjustments and pushed through. I felt underprepared.

Q: So beyond the step-by-step goals, what other supports did you make use of?

A: I had to coordinate with my husband and he’d have to be on “kid duty” when I was training. So, I had to communicate when I needed help and offer time to him. It forced me to communicate more clearly and helped us as a couple make sure we were both getting time to do what we needed to do for ourselves.

Q: What else do you want to share from this to inspire others?

A: The human potential is so amazing. We never really give ourselves the opportunity to tap in to it.

Q: After achieving such a big goal, what did you notice about pushing yourself after?

A: I noticed that I am much more likely now to not take things so seriously. If things are going wrong, like a bad day at work, I don’t take it as personally. Life is difficult and there are opportunities in those problems. It isn’t about stressing about the problem but about figuring out what the solutions are.

Q: So, having learned more about yourself, what are some of your future goals?

A: One of the big ones is that I want our family to go on a 6-month road trip where we can visit all 50 States. The scary part of saying it out loud is that we could fail. We are planning towards that though.

Q: Pain keeps us from doing a lot of things - be that physical or emotional. How did you push through the pain?

A: I told myself to just lean in to the pain - embrace it. I told myself “I like the pain”. It was the opposite to what we usually do - run away from the pain. It flips things in our brain.

Q: Last question. in summary, what are your top take aways?

A: 1) There is a level of determination inside each of us that is surprising.

2) Human potential is so much more than we realize so much of the time and we can push ourselves further than we think.

3) Like anything difficult in life we need to know when to ask for help from others.

4) It is not about the finish line but the running of the actual race. The journey to get there. The benefits come in the pursuit of the goal. That’s where the lessons are!

Among other talents, Alyssa is a photographer and videographer! Here is an inspiring 7-minute video of her doing the marathon!

Alyssa’s video on the marathon - amazing resilience!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “ How Absorbent Are Your Shocks? ”, and is hosting an intimate Resiliency Weekend Retreat in June at The Cedars Ranch for women who want to increase their capacity for living life well. Register today!

Ultimate Pain Treatment with Dr. Martin

Thu, 02 May 2019 18:00:00 GMT

It was a total joy to have my brother Dan here in Texas for our debut wellness event at The Cedars Ranch , "Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic" with Dr. Kristin Neff. In families we play certain roles. Dan has been our ‘brainiac’. I found his insights as we debriefed the self-compassion day so fascinating I thought they warranted a general interview!

An Interview With Dr. Dan Martin - Ultimate Pain Treatment

Q: Dan, we've had some interesting talks about your insights into pain lately. Let's start though by having you describe your job for us.

A: I offer post-op medical care following elective hip and knee replacement at a community hospital in Winnipeg, Canada.

Q: What are the related conditions you see?

A: I diagnose and provide management of type 2 diabetes, anti-coagulation, and diagnosis and early management of peri-operative complications such as acute myocardial infarction, cerebral vascular accident (stroke), blood clots, etc.

Q: Tell me more about the extent of who you work with each week.

A: I work with 10 different orthopedic surgeons who do 35-40 cases per week. I'm responsible for discharge medication reviews and prescriptions including high dose opioids.

Q: Are there themes you see in the medications?

A: This particular patient population may be somewhat more overweight than average but generally represents a good cross section of Manitoba's population. There is an overwhelming incidence of type 2 diabetes, cardiac risk factors, hypertension, anxiety and depression.

Q: Do you feel like patients are coming in over-medicated?

A: Patients are, on average, on a huge number of medications including multiple meds prescribed for mental health and many have large number of self-prescribed "supplements". Many are on medications for chronic pain - physical, psychological and a combination of both. Multiple prescription meds may be required to numb the various types of pain, but these mostly deal with the pain symptoms rather than underlying cause.

Q: Are you seeing a connection between the physical and psychological pain in your patients?

A: My job requires me to treat acute post-operative pain, knee replacement being known to be among the most painful of commonly performed surgeries. Many patients already have chronic pain conditions. I'm adding high-dose opioids or other medications on top of their already well-dosed pain-killers, anxiolytics and anti-depressants.

Q: You are seeing people on your unit because of something very physical but you are seeing a lot of mental health suffering. What does that have you thinking?

A: There are huge numbers of people carrying a great deal of pain. My conclusion from that is that there has to be something fundamentally wrong in our culture to create so much pain. The large abundance of medications are inadequate to treat the symptoms.

Q: What are we not doing well?

A: We are not adequately addressing the root causes of this pain.

Q: What do you think some of the root causes are?

A: I suspect a lot of the cause is deeply rooted psychological pain related to people's disconnectedness from each other.

Q: What might be more effective ways to helping people with this pain?

A: Not sure I have the answer. I suspect some kind of psychotheraphy is needed but I don't know what form it would take.

Q: Let's get personal. What have you noticed in your own experience that helps?

A: In my own personal experience I will at time use medication but usually psychological escape in order to numb pain.

Q: What helps to actually deal with it instead of numbing?

A: Becoming aware of the pain in a safe setting with friends and family allows me to feel the pain and then deal with it.

Q: Are there any resources you have found helpful?

A: I have become keenly interested in some of the newer psychological models such as Dr. Brené Brown 's Vulnerability and Shame or Dr. Kristin Neff 's research on self-criticism and self-compassion. I like how both of their models combine an objective scientific approach with a new awareness of the root causes of human suffering.

Q: If you were to prescribe something non-pharmacologic for your patients more often, what would it be?

A: I have the disadvantage of encountering patients for only a short period of time. I try to make my brief encounter with them compassionate and therapeutic. Ultimately my hope for them would be a positive therapeutic relationship with their primary care provider.

Q: What do you wish for them?

A: All too often these patients may be experiencing shame in their primary care setting [Obesity Stigma: Important Considerations for Public Health, J Clin Transl Endocrinol. 2014 Sep; 1(3): 73-76.]. What I wish for them is the ultimate road to healing is to deal with the shame which is often at the root of their pain and their need for pain-numbing medications.

Q: So a summary statement?

A: Shame results in disconnections which causes pain and the cycle continues. A well intentioned medical community anesthetizes the various kinds of pain symptoms, in the process numbing positive experiences of life as well, while unable to treat most of the underlying causes of pain.

Thank you Dan.

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “ How Absorbent Are Your Shocks? ”, available on Amazon. Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Why Self-Compassion Is Life-Changing

Thu, 04 Apr 2019 05:00:00 GMT

Compassion is a word the vast majority of us easily embrace as a beautiful value. You might consider it one of your core values. It may be the lens that you want to see the world through.

“Compassion involves "feeling for another" and is a precursor to empathy, the ‘feeling as another’ capacity for better person-centered acts of active compassion; in common parlance active compassion is the desire to alleviate another's suffering. ^” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion

So far so good, right?

Where this starts to break down is when we examine how well we are consistently compassionate towards ourselves.

Guilt, shame, negative self-talk and ridiculously high expectations are all part of what we more frequently offer ourselves.

Picture a scene where we have someone other than you hanging out with you all day and saying all these horrid things to you. “Your stomach is ugly.” “I can’t believe you just said that, you are so dumb!”

Whatever if may be, your negative self-talk is not something you would likely ever say to someone else. The impact of us allowing this self-critic to go unchecked is enormous!

When other people talk to us the way our inner critic sometimes does we call it ABUSE!

Receiving messages all day long that criticize us instead of building us up takes a toll. It requires resources and limits our abilities to care for ourself and limits our ability to care as effectively for others.

Self-compassion provides a rich environment where we can more quickly fill our tanks back up. Self-criticism is like poking holes in your fuel tank.

As we practice self-compassion and unplug our inner critics, we begin to see others differently. We notice when our friends are mean to themselves. We start to model kindness to self more often. We can differentiate between healthy self-compassion and distasteful narcism.

Unplugging your inner critic and awakening your self-compassion is life-changing!

As we started planning for The Cedars Ranch 's debut wellness event (our new event center in the Texas Hill Country), this important topic quickly took the lead as a foundational one for all other wellness topics and events to come.

Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic will be hosted at The Cedars Ranch on Saturday, April 27th, featuring keynote speaker Dr. Kristin Neff , pioneering researcher in self-compassion at the University of Texas.

We'd love you to join us for the self-compassion event of the year, and learn proven strategies to cultivate emotional well-being, build inner strength, and thrive in our lives. This event is also prequalified for CCEUs with the International Coach Federation (ICF), in the form of 2 Core Competency Hours and 4 Resource Hours. Get Your Ticket Today while places remain!

Buy Your Ticket

Please feel free to share this event with your friends, family and colleagues too. Hope to see you April 27th!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, CEC, PCC is a Leadership and Mentor Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , and Training Partner on EQi 2.0 with MHS. She is co-owner of new Texas Hill Country eco event center and wellness retreat, The Cedars Ranch . Marilyn provides professional coaching for executives and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training, soft-skills development, facilitation of key discussions and team coaching. Want to work with Marilyn? Reach Out to her today.

Marilyn is published author of everyday resiliency workbook How Absorbent Are Your Shocks? , and is leading a workshop on developing emotional resiliency at the upcoming Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic event at The Cedars Ranch in the Texas Hill Country this April, 2019.

Letting Go Of Appearances

Thu, 07 Mar 2019 06:00:00 GMT

Lately life has offered Bill and I a seemingly endless set of experiences where we can choose between extremely stressed out or regaining perspective with the long-game in mind.

We had our soft opening for The Cedars Ranch . People arrived from far and wide to celebrate with us. Amazing. Our grandchildren from Texas and New Brunswick, Canada got to meet each other. Our brothers got to meet each other. Extremely special.

The day for the party arrives and it is freezing! The wind is blowing hard making it even colder. Earlier in the week it looked like it would be cool but sunny and pleasant. Nope.

Even the Canadians with us were cold so we knew it was really cold, not just Texas cold.

We had a decision to make. Focus on wanting those who braved it to see our beautiful building OR wanting those who braved it to have fun, meet each other, stay and eat, drink and dance.

I think this is the choice we often have in life. Do I show you just my pretty put-together self and our connection is limited OR do I trust that even if it isn’t all pretty that I can enjoy a deeper and more meaningful experience with you when I let you really see me?

The irony is huge. If I only want you to see me all put-together it would be based on a belief that you will like me more that way. The very choice to only present this version of me to you keeps you from actually being able to love the real me.

By focusing on the appearance, we lose the genuine. A focus on looking good to be accepted keeps us from being deeply known and loved.

It took some convincing (of me) and it was not easy but we put up tarps and plywood in our beautiful, just finished modern dance hall.

There were still many parts of the building that people could enjoy and admire. The focus shifted for me though in such a good way.

We had spent weeks and many many hours trying to get so many things on the property finished to show friends and family. So many of these areas did not get visited the night of our opening because it was just too cold! The very act of switching focus away from having a beautiful building to show to creating a warm, celebration event for our guests did something in us.

Immediately our guests became part of a very unique team building experience wrangling tarps in the wind, meeting each other over plywood installation and searching for boards to use on our property. My brother drove in to Wimberley for more tarps and rope. It was amazing to see everyone come together to pull off this party.

I never even got to take a break to put on that special outfit. It would have just gone under my coats anyway, lol. The day absolutely became about connecting with each other and celebrating together.

It was hard and it was perfect. The Cedars Ranch was birthed out of a desire to create an amazing space for people to connect, heal and celebrate. That’s how we kicked it off. For the first time in my life I had a dance with each of my brothers. Bill and I had special dances with our grandchildren. Friends met each other, family met each other.

So, this was a great reminder for me to focus on what’s most important and to let go of appearances sometimes when they get in the way of what is way more important and life-giving.

You know I’m going to ask you a question!

Where are you tempted to do this in your life? Where are you trying to make a positive impression but losing out of the life-giving power of genuine?

What are you willing to let go of so that you can embrace something richer?

I’ll leave you with a little glimpse of our celebration in action!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, CEC, PCC is a Leadership and Mentor Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , and Training Partner on EQi 2.0 with MHS. She is also co-owner of new Texas Hill Country event center and wellness retreat, The Cedars Ranch . Marilyn provides professional coaching for executives and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training, soft-skills development, facilitation of key discussions and team coaching. Want to work with Marilyn? Reach Out to her today.

Stretching Beyond Your Comfort Zone

Thu, 07 Feb 2019 06:00:00 GMT

As I write this I’m about to be the attendee at a conference that is in a related field but not my official field of coaching.

So?

It has me feeling two things that I think are worth contemplating.

First, as an extrovert I’m excited to meet hundreds of strangers. Enjoying that aspect of this may not apply to you. However, getting to hang out with people that are not our normal “tribe” allows us to hear new ideas, see the world from a different perspective and gain new skills.

The second thing I’m feeling is nervous. I don’t speak this profession’s language. I don’t have their credentials nor do I want them. I’m not sure if there will be an “in group” and I will obviously not be welcome.

All of this makes for the very real possibility that the experience will be challenging and that I can grow not just in knowledge but in emotional maturity.

Throughout the stretching experience I will have many opportunities to check in on my self-talk.

Trust me, I could go on.

So what’s the point?

Our best growth usually happens where we are getting stretched. If I keep lifting 5 pound weights for my bicep curls I will not be growing my biceps.

When we stay in our comfort zone we get really good at doing what we have already been doing but not much more.

What would some stretch learning look like for you?

Where could you put yourself to be a bit uncomfortable but really poised to learn some great things and transform yourself a bit?

Well, here I go to my adventure!

What is yours going to be?

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, CEC, PCC is a Leadership and Mentor Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , and Training Partner on EQi 2.0 with MHS. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executives and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training , soft-skills development, facilitation of key discussions and team coaching. Reach Out to Marilyn for more information.

How To Start Your Year With Intention

Thu, 10 Jan 2019 06:00:00 GMT

Resolutions that stick are accompanied by appropriate goals and actions. So, let’s just jump to the specifics.

Today’s blog post is simply an outline you can use to be really intentional about your 2019. Enjoy!

(As a bonus to yourself, you can set a reminder for yourself every few months to encourage yourself to stay with your goals!)

Relationships:

1. Which 3-5 relationships would I really like to deepen this year?

2. What activities will support the growth of that relationship?

3. How can I invite the other person to commit to this with me?

4. What can I expect to be the outcome of more intentional and meaningful time with these people?

Myself:

1. What tops the list for ways I could care for myself better?

2. In an effort to grow my internal cheerleader and quiet my internal critic, what is a new phrase I can frequently say to myself?

3. What are the top 10 things that fill my energy tank back up?

4. What would an aggressive and strategic regular re-fueling program look like?

Learning:

1. What topics or hobbies really bring me pleasure?

2. How can I make sure those are fitting in to my life more this year?

3. Who in my life shares one of these areas and what would supporting each other look like?

4. What learning have I thought about over the years but never pursued? How could I start?

Work:

1. Where in my career could I show more initiative or take more intentional risk?

2. Are there things I do that I could stop doing or delegate to be more effective?

3. How can I build regular strategic thinking time in to my week? When? For how long?

4. Science is showing uninterrupted time is dramatically more effective. How can I create times that are distraction free, even if I have to start small?

Physical:

1. What needs to improve about how I eat?

2. To be moving more in ways I enjoy, I should plan to be doing more … ?

3. Do I do better when I have a new challenge or specific goal? If so, what is it?

4. Does accountability help me here? What does that look like for me this year?

Spiritual:

1. What helps bring me peace and joy? How can I be intentional about building that in to my life regularly?

2. Many things help with sleeping better and lowering anxiety. Which ones will I incorporate this year for my improved well-being?

3. Would finding some like-minded people to share my version of spirituality with, be beneficial this year?

4. How will I take time to check-in and listen to myself more deeply this year?

As part of my changes for the new year, I am shifting to a once / month "Marilyn's Musings" blog post from Capacity Building Coaching. Meanwhile, you can sign up to my Luv Life Coaching Blog and receive monthly blog posts supporting your relationship too.

Click here to subscribe: Luv Life Blog Sign Up

Wishing you all a wonderful 2019!

Until next month,

Marilyn Orr

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development. Reach Out to Marilyn for more information.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “ How Absorbent Are Your Shocks? ”, available on Amazon. Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Learn more about our upcoming " Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic " event in April, with Dr. Kristin Neff, and sign up today to receive access to updates on this self-compassion event of the year!

Unplugging Your Inner Critic

Thu, 06 Dec 2018 06:00:00 GMT

When I think about critics I think about the infamous Statler and Waldorf muppet characters. They crack me up. ( Statler and Waldorf wikipedia )

However living with a pair like that would be horrid. It’s one thing to enjoy them in a muppet show, quite another to imagine them following me around judging and criticizing me all the time.

I grew up with sarcasm. It can really bite. It is meant to be funny but at someone’s expense. Statler and Waldorf have that mastered - they can always find something mean to say about someone.

As we prepare for our first wellness event at The Cedars Ranch , " Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic " with keynote speaker Dr. Kristin Neff (as announced in the previous blog post ), I am reminded over and over how much our self-talk matters to our wellness. Unplugging our inner critic. So critical!

Imagine trying to perform on a stage with Statler and Waldorf yelling insults at you! That would be tough.

How often though do we channel our own version of Waldorf? or Statler?

What are some of the meanest things your inner critic says to you? Here’s my challenge to you. Catch yourself - capture some of your self-talk (self thinking) and write it down. This may be a bit shocking!

Before we can unplug that critic we need to find the cord! Embracing self-compassion also means letting go of harsh, nasty self-judging.

What gives you the right to talk so meanly to yourself? What makes that ok?

Who else would it be okay to talk to like that? For some of you, how you talk to yourself you would call abusive if you heard someone else being talked to like that!

If you brought this kind of abusive talk to someone’s attention and they were truly sorry, hadn’t realized what kind of damage and impact they were having, what would you expect next?

A sincere apology right? Remorseful self-reflection and a sincere desire to apologize and then to never ever treat that person like that again!

If capturing your self-talk shows you something mean, how about an apology to yourself? How much flourishing could you be doing if you were not living with being judged and talked down to so often?

So, as we prepare for a new year soon, what about a year filled with more self-compassion and less criticism and judging of ourselves?

Here is an interesting read on self-judgment: " 5 Reasons to Start Releasing Self-Judgement "

Unplugging your inner critic takes a bit of work. The relief and transformation that comes from replacing criticism with compassion is tremendous! It’s the difference between going home to find a fight going on versus going home to find that someone who loves you has bought you flowers, made you dinner and has their arms wide open to embrace you.

So here’s to shutting down the critic - unless you are watching an old muppet show!

We'd love you to join us for our self-compassion event of the year, " Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic ", Saturday April 27th, 2019 at The Cedars Ranch in the Texas Hill Country. Our special one-day event will feature keynote speaker Dr. Kristin Neff , pioneering researcher in self-compassion at the University of Texas. This event is prequalified for CCEUs with the ICF.

Be sure to sign-up to receive access to registration when it becomes available since space will be limited!!

Sign Up Here

Until next time,

Marilyn

Learn more about our upcoming " Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic " event and sign up today to receive access to updates on this self-compassion event of the year!

Increasing Emotional Resiliency

Tue, 06 Nov 2018 06:00:00 GMT

In the coaching world we talk about “self mastery”. I see it as the foundational work we need for ongoing resiliency. That ability to bounce back and even thrive during or after difficult times and situations is made up of multiple skills, habits and beliefs. In Psychology training many years ago, we learned about ‘the 3-legged stool’. When we want to bring about lasting change in our own life or supporting change for someone else there are 3 key areas to examine:

Behavioural - examining choices and making changes

Cognitive - understanding thinking patterns and where they are faulty

Emotive - what emotions are connected to situations, relationships, etc.

There are many theories as to which comes first. The bottom line though is that each one impacts the other two. When my mood is elevated I will think more positively and am more likely to make better behavior choices.

Exciting Event Announcement!

On Saturday April 27, 2019 we will be hosting a transformational full day event at our new Texas Hill Country event venue The Cedars Ranch entitled " Fierce Self-Compassion: Unplug Your Inner Critic ". It is a day focused, truly, on resiliency. We have planned the day to support us all in growing our skills to provide us all with better foundations for living well.

Our afternoon is a total treat, giving us a chance to learn from self-compassion pioneer, Dr. Kristin Neff . Being able to change our thinking towards ourselves is foundational to all other changes to our thinking, feeling and behavior. Dr. Neff is both an exceptional academic and a very grounded practical speaker.

Our morning will feature a selection of practical workshops that will help us train our thinking and build our own personal capacity. Neil Stegall from Mariposa Sangha will lead morning workshops in mindfulness meditation - dovetailing seamlessly with Kristin Neff's "mindful self-compassion" approach that she'll share further during her afternoon keynote presentation.

I will be hosting interactive morning workshops focused specifically on exercises that increase your resiliency from an emotional perspective. Making use of my resiliency workbook " How Absorbent Are Your Shocks? " on increasing personal capacity, participants will have time and support to focus on what will help them the most and will leave with more helpful activities.

Interwoven throughout this day of personal growth and transformation, will be opportunities to unplug, relax and enjoy nature at The Cedars Ranch . We’ll have some creative outdoor activities and quiet reflection zones, as well as opportunities for herb walks on the land.

If you want to travel in for this day, consider staying on for the weekend to enjoy Wimberley, Austin or San Antonio. Wimberley is in the middle of wine country, the area has multiple music events on any given day, and the nature in the region is spectacular.

Bill and I look forward to sharing this beautiful space, our new gorgeous venue and this wonderful event with you all! What better gift could you give yourself than a chance to increase your ability to be well regardless of what is going on in your life?

Sign up today and we'll keep you updated on the Self-Compassion Event of the Year:

SIGN UP

Until next time,

Marilyn Orr

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Strong Women Make Waves

Thu, 25 Oct 2018 05:00:00 GMT

One of my dearest friends gave me a present this year for my birthday. I love it.

Many of my closest friends are strong women. Most of my coaching clients are strong female executives.

So?

Well, I want to write today’s blog to them but also to the people who live with them, work with them, watch them. Let’s have this conversation.

Although the statistics support some very serious questions that need to be asked (#leadHERship), that is not my focus.

Clearly, women in senior roles in government and private sector roles are in the minority. More women complete degrees.

Let’s talk about the women that break through whatever barriers there are. What are they like and what have some of their ways of thinking cost them?

To be crystal clear, NONE of these women that I know as friends or clients would EVER see themselves as victims. (This could be partly why they are leading within their organizations or own companies.)

The topic I want to focus on is how their self-concept, seeing themselves as strong independent people can impact them.

There can be both internal and cultural pressure on these women to not show emotion. Tears or tenderness can be perceived as weakness. Anger can earn them the “B” classification.

They are frequently met with belittling comments, body language and not invited to lunch with male colleagues, even when there are significant groups of colleagues going.

Although strong women in executive roles notice these things and they hurt, if it doesn’t stop them it has other implications:

We could go on here but I think that paints the picture.

If you live with or work with a strong woman how can you support her better?

Behind every strong exterior presentation is a real human being that, like all of us, wants to be cared for, known, asked genuinely “how are you doing?” and simply enjoyed for who they are.

If you are one of these women that I describe, you may be very practiced at not letting yourself be vulnerable. Too many times that has backfired on you. The problem here is that you are paying a price for that.

Use your skills to deduce who you can be yourself with but do so and be intentional about letting them in a little deeper. The desire to be known and loved is human and is there because we need it for our most fulfilled well-being!

Who can you be more open and vulnerable with?

Here is more reading if you are interested: Barriers and Bias: The Status of Women in Leadership

If you want to test and see if you live with an unconscious bias, Harvard along with two other organizations created a test: Project Implicit

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development. Reach out to Marilyn for more information.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Doing Poorly!

Thu, 11 Oct 2018 05:00:00 GMT

“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly!”

This is a great and memorable quote of our friend Nancy’s Mom. (Thanks Nancy for sharing this and the link to Tim Wu’s article!)

It is surely not what our society is telling us these days. In fact, I make a living in the coaching world, one dedicated to helping people meet or exceed goals, be their absolute best, achieve, etc.

This is not a blog about giving up on reaching higher and achieving.

Tim Wu recently wrote an opinion piece in The New York Times entitled " In Praise of Mediocrity ", that just nails this topic. We need things in our life that are just enjoyable. Just because the very act of doing them is pleasurable, not as part of an important life goal.

Recently Bill and I have been doing jigsaw puzzles. Nothing could be more a statement of doing something just because! Spend hours on it only to take it all apart after and put it back in the box.

As the fall gets under way and we all try to re-establish patterns that may have gone by the wayside over the summer, let’s consider adding in some hobbies or activities that don’t have to produce a darn thing!

What have you enjoyed in the past that has become less fun?

I’m sure you have heard people say this too, something that used to be a fun hobby became a vocation and then became not fun.

What things have you done for pleasure in the past that now feel like work?

What tweak could you make to one of your activities that could bring the fun back?

Taking a class can help you commit to fun. Knowing that a certain night of the week is dedicated to an activity helps. Knowing you paid to have fun that night helps. Hanging out with other people who enjoy the same hobby or activity helps.

Bill and I have been learning East Coast Swing dancing. Trust me, we will never be performers! (pause here to laugh hysterically) It is just fun. We can now go out dancing and enjoy the experience.

What’s your next fun thing to be trying for the first time or doing again?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Breaking the Habit of Self-Sabotage

Thu, 27 Sep 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Today's "Marilyn's Musings" blog post is written by guest blogger, Susan Hemmings:

Who’s In For the Ride?

In the past summer I went to Canada’s Wonderland with my brother and nephew. We love the rides and I wanted to enjoy the thrill of the speed and excitement of being in zero gravity! I love rollercoasters and Leviathan is one of the biggest coasters in the world. On this ride however, the long slow accent to the peak was almost unbearable. With every click of the cars moving slowly up the track the urge to run fueled my panic. I had a choice to make: I could focus on the panic and urge to run and let fear overcome and overwhelm me or I could focus on the next stage of the ride and take the fear along with me. After all, no-one made me get on the ride.

I’ve noticed this fear coming up again in my life. I’m not riding roller coasters, yet this fear surfaces when I’m gathering the momentum necessary to meet my personal goals. I decide what I want or need to do. I start doing the work. I’m moving along the track! And then, just like the being on the accent of the roller coaster, doubt comes rushing in along with fear. Unlike the roller coaster, I choose to get off the ride. I find a reason to skip the gym. I find a reason to eat food that doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t take my vitamins. I find a reason to stay up too late. I choose to sabotage my own successes.

Self-sabotage (and the sabotaging of others) is common. Why do we do it? Is it caused by a fear of the unknown? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection and abandonment and shame? If people see the real me, will they still love and accept me?

I think it’s a question of loving yourself. Do I love myself enough to keep moving forward despite what others may or may not do? Do I love myself enough to be authentic?

For every force there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So then, what is the opposite force of self-sabotage? I believe the answer is to lean in. Where sabotage is an expression of the urge to run away from change, leaning in is the opposite reaction. Lean in to your goals with as much energy as fear is urging you to run from them. That’s right! Acknowledge the fear and the urge to run then, take them with you. This is may be easier said than done.

So what can help you strengthen your commitment along the way?

1. Make sure your goals are good, healthy, and an expression of your values right now.

Ask yourself how will reaching your goals impact your life? Start to map out the affects and changes that will happen. Think about the negative implications too. Change means loss as well as gain. Sometimes that loss needs to be grieved. Acknowledge it. Grieve it.

2. Put yourself first.

I admire this in my husband. He’s not selfish, but he does take care of himself first. In doing this, he is better prepared to serve his family. As women, we tend to elevate the needs of others before our own. This is an act of sabotage. “Look out for number one!” does have some merit here.

3. Identify your team.

Who will love you no matter what may come? Who will encourage you to be the most authentic person you can be? Who will challenge you when necessary? These people are your team. Lock in with them.

4. Break it down.

Making smaller commitments that will keep the momentum going. One way to do this is to make decisions for your actions one day ahead of time. I keep a checklist of my actions that reflect my values. I ask myself, “How am I going to do these tomorrow?”. I commit to an action that fits each value statement one day at a time.

Some people make it look easy but, living on the edge of your soul and pushing yourself on is never easy. There is risk. There is fear. There is loss. There is gain and triumph too! So, the next time you feel the urge to get off the ride lean in harder.

Susan Hemmings - Guest blogger.

Susan Hemmings is a spiritual mentor, personal trainer, and teacher of English. She has been involved with spiritual mentoring for 15 years. Her empathy and keen insight has been a guide for a multitude of people who she has helped both in structured and unstructured counseling and ministering scenarios.

Getting Past “What’s In It For Me?”

Thu, 13 Sep 2018 05:00:00 GMT

At least weekly I get offers via Instagram, FB, email, etc. to turn my coaching into a 6 or 7-figure income business. That used to appeal to me.

It didn’t take long to understand that some of the ‘techniques’ to do so don’t sit well with me.

For sure there is growth to be had in all of our businesses from well-worded marketing. Sometimes we don’t have customers because we have failed at ‘the ask’. There is a line though where marketing and sales can cross over to make use of fear, insecurity, pressure and manipulation. Not okay with me.

It seems that for many who are truly trying to make it in business it’s hard to imagine putting their own needs and desires on hold to truly help their customers and colleagues succeed. This requires a genuine checking in to see if what they are selling is truly what the customer needs or needs then.

I think behind it, even subtly is that if I think I can get my needs met by you ‘buying’ from me then I am less likely to genuinely be concerned about what you really need in your business or budget.

Research says that we long for genuine. We long for authentic. What does that really mean?

It is getting used as the best way to get more sales. Check out an article in the Huffington Post: " 6 Reasons Why Authenticity Results in More Sales "

I know I am longing for a level of care and selflessness mixed in with my business interactions.

“I really need to move my career along and I’m feeling nervous about making my sales quota this month. You buying these 4 items from me would really help me meet my targets and sleep better tonight.”

This may be genuine, transparent and vulnerable but it is still all about the person doing the selling.

“Of course I’d love to do this work for you. I truly believe that it would benefit your business. How does it fit in your overall plan right now? Will this purchase put too much stress on your budget? Is there a creative version of this we should consider?”

These are not questions we hear often.

How do we maintain a core value of genuinely caring about the well-being of other businesses, when helping them get what they need most threatens what we need most? It’s with a focus on the long game. I’m going to choose to do business this way. I will choose to make sure that my ‘solution’ is the best fit for you or help you find another one that is better. Behind this is the belief that there are enough people in the world that my business will be the right fit for.

At times though this takes a huge amount of courage. It requires that we move away from selling or doing business out of fear, desperation, insecurity etc. It sounds cliche but this kind of business interaction requires some faith.

If I think you can meet my needs, I have two choices:

1) I can continue as if the best plan is the one that meets my needs or

2) I can take the path of faith or trust and seek to understand what would benefit you the most, choosing to believe that if I conduct my business in ways that respect my customers and colleagues the most, it will come back to me in beneficial ways, eventually.

The short game is to apply pressure on you so that my short-term needs are met. The long-game is to step back and see what you need long-term and sacrifice ways that you might be able to meet my needs short-term by partnering with you now.

Faith. Trust. Kindness.

These are hard concepts in business where we feel justified to focus on the short-game in the name of business and survival. Usually we find ways to hide behind ‘this is the best thing for my customer, they just don’t know it’ thinking.

Fear.

How much will we decide out of fear?

How many of our business interactions will be based on what we want to get from the other party instead of genuine care and authentic interactions free of manipulation and an attempt to control others.

I’m so so sick of manipulative tactics in business. I want the real deal. I want to do business in ways that don’t include pressure tactics, guilt, or pressure.

Are you with me?

I want to put all my eggs in that basket, that there are people, there are businesses that want to do both life and business this way.

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Being Your Own Best Support

Thu, 30 Aug 2018 05:00:00 GMT

So often when we are around people who irritate us we use the wrong strategies to deal with it. Sometimes we mis-diagnose what is underlying their behavior. Sometimes we react with our own blindspots.

Different things will push your buttons than push mine but underneath those irritations are often the same core issues. Let’s look briefly at the different ways that insecurity can show up.

Someone who is insecure will try to impress and try to feel good about themselves by looking better than others. This can come out in so many ways:

This list could go on and on.

The root is that our legitimate need to be seen, known and loved often does not get adequately met. Especially if we have lived a significant number of years with this need not being properly met we keep looking for it to be met.

One of the problems with this though is that what would have been appropriate behavior as a young person becomes awkward, rude and off-putting as an adult.

The need to be seen, known and loved remains legitimate but expecting those around us to meet that need often moves us in to unhealthy relationship patterns.

So, what is the answer?

It is an ownership issue. When we apply pressure on others, subtle or overtly, to help us feel better about ourself then we are giving away our power. External validation is important and I think we all need to give and receive more of it. However, there is a core amount of feeling really good and secure about who we are that we need to do for ourselves.

I need to own my need for positive feedback, for compassion and kindness and learn to effectively give that to myself. I need to practice forgiving myself, being gracious with myself when I’ve messed up.

There is a great old Bob Newhart scene where he, as the psychiatrist, thinks he has the quick fix for his patient’s fear. (If you need a good laugh, here’s the link: Bob Newhart - Stop It Link )

Learning to care for ourself and feel more secure because we regularly offer kindness and compassion to ourself doesn’t just happen because you read the idea in a book or blog.

What does practicing being your own best support look like? Here are a few ideas:

I’ll leave you with Brene Brown’s wonderful phrase, a great one to own: “I am enough”.

Until next time,

Coach Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

National Relaxation Day

Thu, 16 Aug 2018 05:00:00 GMT

In honor of yesterday being National Relaxation Day , I chose not to write a blog post.

What can you let go of?

What choices can you make to embrace greater self-care and deeper personal relaxation time?

If you missed National Relaxation Day yesterday, plan your own relaxation day soon!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Personal Growth Through Self-Assessment

Thu, 02 Aug 2018 17:30:00 GMT

We all know what it’s like to be around people who are constantly trying to impress you so that both you and they can think they are all that and a bag of chips. Not fun.

Is there a difficult side to people who don’t think highly enough of themselves? Do we just call this humility?

On either end of this spectrum the distortion and inaccuracy causes issues both for the individual with the distorted self-concept and for those around them.

The individual who doesn’t know their strengths can mistakenly expect the same level of competence out of others, not knowing that they are above the average in key areas of living and functioning. True humility can also feel like false humility when it doesn’t line up with an accurate picture of reality. That can push people away because it doesn’t feel authentic.

So, how do we get to a more accurate measure of self-assessment?

Taking time to ponder is becoming a lost art culturally. We live in societies that keep us busy busy busy.

Pondering your strengths, your interests, your dislikes and your weaknesses is time well spent. Noting what others have frequently commented to you about yourself helps. (E.g. I have heard many times “I’ve never told anyone this before …”. This helps me know I’m great at being a safe compassionate listener.)

What have you heard from others over and over?

Some of what we have heard may have landed or even been intended as criticism. Is there a way to see the strength side?

My Mom used to tell me I was too sensitive. On our recent trip to visit my adult children in Canada they kept a running tally of how many times “Mom cried”.

So, my sober self-compassionate assessment of myself in this area is that I have a very tender heart and I let my own emotions and the emotions of others really move me.

I love that about myself.

What have you been criticized for by someone else or multiple people? Is it possible that beneath what they see or experience is a strength that they don’t have?

When I teach DISC, a behavioral styles tool, I say “any strength over-used can be a weakness”. What does that mean? Sometimes our strengths blind us to the impact they have on other people or how they can be negatively affecting us. Take the highly detailed person. Their ability to catch mistakes is amazing but they may spent an unhealthy amount of time trying to make sure “it” is perfect. They may also not have much tolerance for other people’s mistakes.

What areas in your life are so strong that perhaps you are expecting too much from other people?

You may have strengths you don’t ever think about. One way to get to them is to think about which behaviors by people you interact with really bother you over and over. Instead of just feeling frustrated by someone else’s incompetence, use that as a moment to reflect and acknowledge that you have a strength that not everyone around you has.

For some of this growth and awareness to happen you may need to grow your self-compassion muscles. Dr. Kristin Neff has many great resources for that: Self-Compassion Exercises

Happy pondering!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Lessons in Adjusting Your Conflict Lens

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 16:00:00 GMT

It is a skill set all by itself - the ability to see a variety of possible intentions from people’s actions.

Life has led us to have a fairly immediate first take - for some of us we see and interpret other people’s actions through rose-colored lenses. Some of us see the darker side or the skeptical perspective.

Here’s the problem - we look at a behavior, usually, and make assessments about motivation and attitude.

It’s pretty hard to know the sum total of someone’s heart by their actions. We can make good guesses, but they are just that, guesses.

Cross-cultural communication gives us wonderful glimpses in to how wrong we can be when using behavior to make assumptions about core values, motivations and thinking.

Even patterns that we see in someone else that lead us to feel justified in drawing the conclusions that we do, are still often built on the assumptions that we are making. The thing about assumptions is that we don’t usually know we are making them, obviously.

So, what are the options?

1. First, obviously, whenever possible, an open conversation where the parties concerned have a chance to explain, elaborate, etc. is ideal. If you are initiating this kind of conversation, then come with an open mind and a determination to look deeper, below the surface for other motivations, insecurities, different thinking and reasoning.

2. Secondly, take time to simply brainstorm a variety of reasons why someone might be behaving the way they are. Whichever end of the spectrum you tend towards, try to come up with at least 5 possible scenarios that explain that person’s behavior. It’s okay if some of these are ludicrous, that can actually help too.

3. Acknowledge to yourself, and anyone else in the discussion, what your frequent bias is. (I tend to see the best in people and so have to work at acknowledging that sometimes motivations are self-serving or self-protecting.)

4. Work more for solutions on how to move forward versus detangling who to blame and why. Sometimes digging really deep on motivations is not even necessary. So long as you can all agree on how to move forward productively you may be able to just assume the best of each other, expecting creative solutions for moving forward.

5. Instead of seeing the other party as your opponent, being able to use language that discusses the barrier as it’s own entity goes a long way. When you can stop seeing the other person’s behavior as the problem and instead see the result of shared behavior as the issue then you can put your heads together to solve it.

When we partner with the person who thinks differently than we do when working towards a solution we get much more creative and effective strategies!

Who might you be seeing through lenses that are not giving you enough clarity?

Where are the frustrating blocks in work flow that could be improved by some shared brainstorming?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Team Building Practices

Thu, 05 Jul 2018 05:00:00 GMT

This Fall many companies will offer team building activities for their teams. Money and time will be spent. What really are the goals behind team building and how do they apply to you?

There are a number of reasons to do team building, including:

There are other benefits, but these cover many of the main benefits.

Team building is not just formal. It is not just “off-site” sessions with a trainer or coach. Team building happens casually in so many ways.

Who on your team, who that you work with, would you benefit from getting to know better?

What relationships should you be getting to know better?

Those people that we think differently from can be difficult to work with. Instead of just hanging out with the people that we are the most like, do yourself a favor and spend some time with the people that you are most different from. Try to approach opportunities to get to know these colleagues with curiosity about how they see the world and what unique strengths they bring to the team.

Booking one-on-one times with co-workers can be a powerful way to increase engagement and improve your own enjoyment of your job. Take time to book lunches and even just coffee with co-workers.

Make use of conversations to understand your colleagues better. You can talk about the weather but how about talking about things like:

What questions do you wish your team mates would ask you? How about asking your teammates what question they would love to be asked? Have your question ready too, tell them what question you would love to be asked.

If this is all enjoyable for you perhaps you are the resource your team needs to help plan a full team building event. There are many resources online for any goal that your team wants to accomplish.

The more engaged you are at work and the better your relationships there, the more you are going to enjoy going to work every day!

Happy team building!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Coffee & Meditation

Wed, 20 Jun 2018 05:00:00 GMT

There is a bumper sticker in the town where I live that says something to this effect: “If I’m driving too slow for you, you are in the wrong town”.

Depending what mood I’m in or if I’m in a hurry I either find this adorable or very frustrating.

Some of you are living extremely busy work and personal lives. How, in the middle of that kind of pace can we practice “being in the moment”?

There is so much research out now about the benefits of meditation and related practices such as yoga. We know that exercise removes stress from our body.

What do all of these things have in common? For one, they keep our brain focused on the present moment.

Let’s contrast that to anxiety and worry. Anxiety and worry thoughts are usually focused on future possibilities or re-living or re-hashing things that have already happened.

So, in super busy lives with plenty of stresses, how can we increase the amount of time we can focus our brain on the present moment?

This doesn’t work well!

How do we borrow from this idea for real life? The mantra from yoga class is also helpful: “Notice without judging”.

That may sound too small to do any good but it is a pattern of being that we can slowly grow. When I’m eating, enjoy the flavor, the texture, the aroma of my food. When I’m in the shower stop planning and just enjoy the hot water landing on my skin.

This way of maximizing on your life lets you have moments of wellness and peace in the middle of craziness, frequently.

In the middle of some of my most intense stress, this practice allowed me to pause and find the part of me that was totally fine in that moment.

Here is my challenge to you, and to me:

Pick 5 things you do regularly, routinely and commit to practicing being totally present during them. Notice how they are impacting your 5 senses. Notice what your body is feeling.

What 5 things can be your reminders to be fully present in the moment?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

What Are Your Stories?

Thu, 07 Jun 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Today’s blog is simple and is an invitation. I’m going to give you a few examples and would love to hear from you! The theme is:

Really hard things that paved the way for great things

What are your stories?

Until next time,

Marilyn.

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Trust and Intimacy

Wed, 23 May 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Lucky for me I have found a career in coaching where I am supposed to do the thing that I love most in the world. Building trusting and intimate relationships. Not only because I’m an extrovert (that helps to be sure) but as a human I am hungry for authentic connection. As a coach with the International Coach Federation this skill is a “core competency” one in a list of eleven.

“ 3. Establishing Trust and Intimacy with the Client —Ability to create a safe, supportive environment that produces ongoing mutual respect and trust.” https://coachfederation.org/core-competencies

My background is in Psychology and Counseling. One theorist that I always was drawn to was Carl Rogers. Specifically, he taught the concept of Unconditional Positive Regard. It is the basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what they say or do.

I’m convinced that regardless of where we apply this in life, we can create progress. If I apply this concept in therapy I am creating a safe environment for healing. If I use it in coaching I create safety and a space for growth and exploration. If we know how to build trust and intimacy with our colleagues we will also see cool things happen in our workplaces.

Part of what allows for the growth of trust and intimacy (not just in coaching) is holding to a belief in the other person’s brilliance, creativity and resilience. I hold the other as capable and choose not to judge. I choose not to think that they should be doing things my way or see them as someone that needs to be fixed or rescued.

This is so much easier in our professional relationships. When we bring this in to family members, especially ones that we have pain and conflict with it gets harder. The more we have had to work through hard things with people the deeper the trust and intimacy can grow, depending on if both parties handle the tough spots respectfully.

What are some great ways to practice growing this skill?

1. Choosing to respect the other person’s opinions, viewpoints and choices even if you disagree or would act very differently. Respecting simply acknowledges that for who they are and how they see the world, their opinion is as valid as yours.

2. Honor your commitments and promises to the other person. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Be open and honest with them and err on the side of under-promising and over-delivering.

3. Celebrating with them what they consider as success or accomplishments. These may be things that seem small to you but noticing what they mean to the other person and intentionally pausing to acknowledge is a great way to get closer to someone and build trust.

4. Respect boundaries - theirs and your own. Being true to who you are also builds trust with others - they know what they can count on you for.

5. If you are wanting to tackle deeper or more personal topics in a relationship practice asking first and checking on the comfort level of the other person before presuming.

Few things are more rewarding than putting work in to having better relationships!

What skills and practices do you have that helped you build healthy relationships?

Which work relationships do you want to strengthen?

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Beauty From Brokenness

Thu, 10 May 2018 05:00:00 GMT

During a recent training with other coaches the speaker mentioned this wonderful Japanese philosophy and resulting practice of kintsugi. It is a philosophy that our speaker powerfully embraced in his work.

I wanted to know more and as I read about kintsugi I fell in love with this way of thinking. Let’s read a little from Wikipedia:

“As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.[5] … kintsugi can be seen to have similarities to the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi, an embracing of the flawed or imperfect.[10][11] Japanese aesthetics values marks of wear by the use of an object. This can be seen as a rationale for keeping an object around even after it has broken and as a justification of kintsugi itself, highlighting the cracks and repairs as simply an event in the life of an object rather than allowing its service to end at the time of its damage or breakage.[12]

“Kintsugi can relate to the Japanese philosophy of "no mind" (無心 mushin), which encompasses the concepts of non-attachment, acceptance of change and fate as aspects of human life." Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi

Kintsugi art curtsy of Morty Bachar www.lakesidepottery.com

We all have cracks. We all walk around with things from our past that we can see as limiting, as justifications for hanging on to shame, fear, and other limiting beliefs.

In some ways it is easier for us to heal from the things that have been done to us. We walk through a process of healing where we embrace the pain, the anger and eventually find closure through letting go and forgiveness.

The harder cracks come from ways that we have let people down. The times when we have been the ones doing the harming. Even when the ones we have hurt have extended forgiveness we may hold on to the pain as a way of continuing to provide the punishment that we think we deserve.

Kintsugi art curtsy of Morty Bachar www.lakesidepottery.com

This piece of pottery is stunning. Imagine it though without the beautiful metal that is holding the broken pieces together.

The very choice, and it is choice, to not offer ourself forgiveness and closure for the horrible, painful things we have done simply leaves us broken and more likely to hurt again.

The very thing we hate about ourself perpetuates the very thing we hate about ourself. The secret is in acknowledging that we have hurt others out of brokenness. Not denying the darkness that we are capable of but allowing beauty to come of it.

What are the things from your past that still haunt you?

If self-forgiveness does not have to mean forgetting that it ever happened but instead letting that history be re-purposed in your life then what?

How can the cracks and brokenness that you have held on to be a reminder instead for how you want to show up now?

Until next time,

Marilyn Orr.

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Themes In Our Lives

Thu, 12 Apr 2018 05:00:00 GMT

There are times in life when we can see themes running through our lives.

Sometimes those themes are good, beautiful and feel like gifts. Sometimes the theme is hard, with hardship after hardship.

Truly, after writing a book about resiliency I sure felt like I got to practice it, in some difficult circumstances.

I’m actually not superstitious in general but I do joke about being careful about what you write about!

Let’s ponder the idea of themes in 2 ways.

1) Scientifically.

When I was pregnant I noticed pregnant women much more than when I wasn’t. The stats didn’t change, just what was on my radar.

I would have gone through my series of stresses even if I had not written a book about resiliency but because I had both the topic and the tools to get through were top of mind.

This is part of the science behind the positive psychology practice of a gratefulness journal. We can train our minds to notice themes, to look for them.

What themes have you been seeing? Where have you been putting your focus?

2) Practically.

Whether I look through a lens of seeing God or the universe or fate or just me as the maker of my reality, I still have choices.

I remember being so struck when reading a concentration camp survivor‘s story. (Her name was Corrie Ten Boom.) She was grateful for the cockroaches or lice (can’t recall which) because it kept the guards out of her cell area.

So, a significant part of how I experience my life has to do with what I train myself to notice.

Does it take away the hard times? Nope. It lets me see beauty and love in the midst of them!

What practical practices can you add to your day that will help you focus on good things?

Until next time,

Marilyn.

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon .

Cheesy Fear Quotes & A Way Forward!

Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Nothing To Fear Day is celebrated on May 27 and Face Your Fears Day is celebrated on 13th Oct every year.

Here is a great quote on our topic:

“Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” ~ Yoda

Quote source: https://www.thefreshquotes.com/fear-quotes/

There is so much written and so many ‘inspirational quotes’ about facing your fears, doing it anyway, etc.

Some of that is wonderful but I think some of this thinking also just leaves us still afraid and also feeling weak because we couldn’t just face it and do it anyway.

So, what are the options?

I actually like Yoda’s wisdom best. The part of fear that we need to pay most attention to is where it quietly and insidiously grows our anger (as a self-protection strategy, often) and our hatred and causes others to fear and be angry and hate.

Quote source: https://www.thefreshquotes.com/fear-quotes/

So then, what is a healthy way to deal with fear.

What Yoda puts his green long finger on is what happens to our fear when we don’t acknowledge it as fear but blame others, make excuses and pretend we aren’t afraid or try to minimize our fear of feeling powerless by becoming bullies.

What if we acknowledge the fear and the very unpleasant sensation of powerlessness as step number one?

Discharging the power of what we are feeling drags it out in to the open. Fear thrives on secrecy and shame. It feeds in the shadows.

For some reason telling the dentist how much fear I feel and why, specifically somehow reduces my fear. I no longer feel like I need to carry my fear alone. I can let go of some of it because someone else can carry it with me and help me create strategies that help me overcome a fear barrier that could easily keep me from doing something good for me.

So sharing your fear with someone that cares or can actually help you strategize around it can really be effective.

Proving something to yourself is all well and good but the other principle on facing your fears, realistically, is to break growth in that area down in to bite-size pieces.

If it’s a fear of speaking in public you can start by speaking up in a small safe group if need be. Say more in a meeting than you would normally say. Introduce yourself more than normal at a networking meeting.

Quote source: https://www.thefreshquotes.com/fear-quotes/

What are 3 things you “fear” or carefully avoid?

Would you be willing to write down one small step you could take for each?

Are you willing to tell a friend or manager what is intimidating you and ask for their support?

So often I have coached people on something they really feared and once they worked on a strategy to conquer that fear it actually became a strength that really supported their career and their happiness.

Would you be willing to take one of your fears and write 3 paragraphs about how your life would be different if you had strength in that area instead?

I’d sure love to hear your stories! Email me if you like, I love hearing from you!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

5 Steps To Becoming a Visionary Leader

Thu, 15 Mar 2018 05:00:00 GMT

Our society has many examples of visionaries. Who do you find inspirational?

How can you get on the journey to move towards being a visionary leader in your world, whatever sphere of influence that happens to be?

“First described by Daniel Goleman in 2002, the visionary leadership style was one of six leadership types documented. The leader is inspiring in vision, and helps others to see how they can contribute to this vision; allowing the leader and followers to move together towards a shared view of the future.” https://www.money-zine.com/definitions/career-dictionary/visionary-leadership-style/

1. Visionary leaders encourage strong relationships

You know the old saying - If a tree falls in the forest … Well, there is not much impact of having a vision if no one else is impacted or cares to join you in it.

Live your life and your work life in a way that encourages strong relationships. Listen to people. Be kind. You know the drill.

2. Visionary leaders narrow down ideas

Visions are much more than just great, creative ideas.

True visionaries don’t just have a bunch of ideas. I’ve worked with many entrepreneurs, and consider myself one. An issue for many of us is too many great ideas. Some entrepreneurs can think of a new company to start almost daily. Visionaries narrow down their ideas and then flesh out the ones worth pursuing.

3. Visionary leaders spend time thinking

Visions without effective strategies don’t go far. Depending on your personality and therefore what energizes you, fleshing out a strategy to move your vision towards reality may include surrounding yourself with the right people. Brainstorming is best done with people who know the importance of not blocking the free-flow of ideas. It is best done with people who don’t have to jump to why it won’t work!

4. Visionary leaders don’t have to hog the limelight

The whole point of being a visionary leader is that you are creating a group or team of people that want to see that vision become reality. These leaders know that it takes more than them to create the changes needed to realize the vision. They also know that the required skill sets for this vision don’t reside in just one person. Leaders who try to take all the glory end up losing team members left and right.

5. Visionary leaders are flexible

Emotional intelligence includes flexibility.

Creating strategy with smart and creative people invariably leads to tweaks, changes, and better ideas. To be a visionary leader you will benefit from being flexible. Not being too tied to your ideas but being open to new and better ones.

What is the point of being a visionary leader? Why not be a follower?

There is nothing wrong with being a follower. In fact I think we all need to be both - the levels will vary as to which one we do more of.

Let’s think of it this way. We are each unique. The things I have a vision for will be different than yours. The way I go about accomplishing my vision will be different than you, even if at a high level we have the same vision.

We can think of many world changers and ask, “What if they did not pursue their vision? How would our world be different?”

Our world just lost Stephen Hawking. Let’s end with a quote from him:

"One, remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Two, never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it. Three, if you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don't throw it away" - Interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer, June 2010 http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-43396627

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

5 Steps For Dealing With Shaming Behavior

Thu, 01 Mar 2018 04:00:00 GMT

Lately I have been shocked at running in to the use of shaming techniques as a means of getting business done. It's not new. You've seen it many times and so have I. It's standing out for me at the moment because I normally have the luxury of working mainly with people who don't use it as a dominant way of getting things done.

"Shame arises when one's 'defects' are exposed to others, and results from the negative evaluation (whether real or imagined) of others." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

So much of the shame we feel (and most do feel it) we generate for ourselves. I want to focus today though on what to do when others are trying to use shame as leverage on us.

For external shaming to work, part of us must agree with our accuser.

This is not a topic we can talk about today without referencing Brené Brown. If you haven't already done so at least 139 times, please go to TED.com and check out her two videos - one on Vulnerability and one on Shame .

So what does it look and sound like when someone is trying to shame us? I think in order to create a good defense we need to be able to know it when we see it.

When others are trying to use shame for leverage it comes out in a few common ways:

Do you see the theme here? They are judging you and your idea and trying to get you to defer to them and their idea being better. Usually shaming is passive aggressive too, meaning contradictory messages so that the person has 'plausible deniability' in their own mind.

Dr. Brown says that “Shame is the gremlin that says ‘uh-uh, you’re not good enough.’” It is the leverage that people can try to use to get us to second guess our opinions, to try to get us to take different actions in order to get their approval or to let them have their way.

I'm curious about how we can gain the skills to be that voice of empathy and understanding for ourself. Other healthy people reassuring us is fantastic but they are not always immediately available.

1.The first defense against someone else's shaming is to notice that it's happening and see it for what it is. Usually, for me, the first thing I notice is feeling gross in the conversation - I might be getting defensive like I need to justify my position or I might just be feeling stupid.

2. Once I realize that the other person is using shaming techniques I have a choice of what to do during or after the conversation. If I'm not too overwhelmed in the moment I try to reflect back to the person what seems to be going on. (Most people are using shaming because they have been shamed and are not even aware that they are doing it.) This might sound something like "it seems that you really don't like my idea and that you think your idea is better". This sometimes stops people in their tracks and lets you call a spade a spade.

3. If I can't intervene in the moment I still need to process what happened soon after. I like to make notes on what the other person said and what their body language was saying to me. I then go ahead and write about what I was feeling as a result of the interaction. Where it goes next depends on how much I internalized the shame. It could be either "I felt like he thought I was stupid to have that idea" or, with my own baggage, "I feel stupid for having that idea".

4. Some self-care in the form of giving myself some empathy and understanding is powerful. E.g. "Marilyn, your idea has some really valid points to it and it is not okay for someone to try to make you feel stupid for having a different idea from them."

5. Lastly, I take time to reflect on where I want that relationship to go in the future and what kind of honest conversation I am willing to have with that person about how we will and will not be communicating in the future, if we are to have an ongoing relationship. (This doesn't always have to happen but if the shaming and/or the relationship are significant enough, then strategy is critical.)

Humbly I want to add how easy it is, for me too, to pass shaming on to others around us when we have been shamed. Without consciously meaning to I still catch myself communicating in ways that lift my ideas above those of others. I hate that in myself and see this writing as a great way to remind myself to watch both my words and my body language and always be willing to own up to my shaming behavior.

Where have you let shame have too much weight in your life?

Until next time,

Marilyn.

This "Marilyn's Musings" blogpost that was originally written in 2016.

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Benefits of Diversity

Thu, 15 Feb 2018 06:00:00 GMT

When I was eighteen months old I moved to live in a new country. Belgium. Not long later I was living in Germany. Back to Canada when I was five. My Dad bought a VW van and we camped all over Europe during those 4 years.

Being exposed to different cultures and different languages was formative and left me with a love for other cultures.

There is plenty of research indicating the multiple benefits of diversity in the workplace. Here is a good one highlighting some studies and the top benefits: https://www.brazen.com/blog/recruiting-hr/benefits-of-diversity-in-the-workplace/

We can be exposed to diversity though and not reap the benefits.

Benefiting from diversity requires a willingness to wrestle with ideas and be open to new ideas, new thoughts, new processes etc.

Isn’t that true of most growth? We need to see that our thinking, emotions and behaviors can benefit from some changes.

In a few days I head to Mexico. We won’t be staying at an isolated resort but at my cousin’s condo. It is a great opportunity for me to benefit from diversity. So, how can I prepare? How can you make the most of the diversity in your life? How can you invite more diversity?

Here are questions I want to ask myself:

What beauty do I see that is different from beauty I see at home? (Nature, art, colors, food, faces, etc.)

I value people taking time for each other and offering kindness. How do I see that expressed differently?

Do I notice any different ways of problem solving?

When I have a frustrating experience - what assumptions am I making that are contributing?

How much communicating am I doing non-verbally and what messages am I sending?

What is inspiring me and bringing me joy? (Being somewhere different allows for different experiences than the normal ‘grind’ - what do I need to incorporate more in to everyday life?

What makes us closed off to other cultures? We have been affirmed for doing things a certain way in our own culture and taught those ways since we were born. Instead of seeing those things as culturally appropriate we make the leap to think of them as ‘the right way’.

It is respectful here in the South for me to be referred to as “Ma’am”. Where I grew up that had a bit of an alternative slant, it would be used mainly to refer to a significantly older woman and isn’t a compliment to someone younger. I had to learn to receive it as intended where I live now. It was hard at first. Now I find it endearing. (Which disappoints my boys who loved to try to get a reaction out of me with it.)

Such a small example. Embracing another way of showing up in the world, be that ethnic diversity or any of the million other ways that we are different from each other requires humility. It requires stepping back to look at intent and the heart behind actions, not just the actions.

Let’s look for beauty in each other, not just this Valentine’s Day week but as a regular practice!

Adiós amigos! Hasta la proxima vez! (Until next time.)

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Narcissism: What It Means & How To Live With It

Thu, 01 Feb 2018 06:00:00 GMT

It is highly likely that you have heard the word narcissist in the last month or so. Well, now you have!

This word and concept are seemingly much more talked about than before and I think with good reason. Wikipedia presents indicators that it has increased in our current North American culture. Let’s explore the topic, what it means in everyday life and how to live around it. You likely live or work or are related to someone who has these traits. You may also be one of the many that has them.

First some definitions:

Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one's own attributes. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism

Egocentrism is the inability to differentiate between self and other. ... Although egocentrism and narcissism appear similar, they are not the same. A person who is egocentric believes they are the center of attention, like a narcissist, but does not receive gratification by one's own admiration. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentrism

The other distinction I think we should make is between narcissistic personality disorder, a real diagnosable psychological disorder, and narcissistic tendencies. Narcissism is an extension of healthy self-love. Where the line is to crossing over is open for debate.

For a great article on the ‘official’ qualities of narcissistic personality disorder and other patterns that accompany narcissism this article is a very perceptive read:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201311/6-signs-narcissism-you-may-not-know-about

Where do problematic levels of narcissism come from?

“The clinical theorists Kernberg, Kohut and Millon all see pathological narcissism as a possible outcome in response to unempathic and inconsistent early childhood interactions. They suggested that narcissists try to compensate in adult relationships.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism (Morf, Caroline C.; Rhodewalt, Frederick (2001). "Unraveling the Paradoxes of Narcissism: A Dynamic Self-Regulatory Processing Model". Psychological Inquiry. 12 (4): 177–96.)

The lack of being loved well as a child has left damage that impact the ability to see oneself as imperfect but worthy of love and connection.

So, since I like to be practical, let’s get to the practical stuff.

Are you a narcissist?

Narcism is hard to see in yourself. That’s kind of the point. If this is you then you truly believe you are right most of the time, that you are better than the people around you, and that your angry and defensive reactions to others are justified. If you are willing to read the lists of characteristics and admit they may apply to you then there is hope.

It is worth getting help. What you have to gain is a deeper sense of peace with yourself and your world and much healthier and more satisfying personal relationships!

How to behave around a narcissist

A lot of how you interact with a narcissist is determined by what your relationship is to them. If they are your boss or life partner you are impacted daily by their patterns.

1. Learning how to pick your battles is critical to your well-being. They will be picking way more battles that you. Arguing and pushing back may be important for your well-being at times but sure takes energy.

2. Being able to protect your own boundaries and sense of self is critical. Know your own opinions and positions. They may try very forcefully to persuade you that they are right so keep a space inside yourself where you know what you think and feel! (Journalling somewhere private can be a lifesaver!)

3. Get help. Perhaps the help of a therapist! Talk with others to recalibrate your thinking.

What is normal, what is kind, what is appropriate gets twisted within narcissism. There can be a brainwashing effect on those close to them.

This is a huge topic. We have barely scratched the surface. If this is relevant to you then please read the linked articles.

(Obviously reach out too if you want to chat further.)

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Developing Personal Flexibility

Thu, 18 Jan 2018 06:00:00 GMT

Just as there are many facets to emotional intelligence, so there are to resiliency. One key skill that contributes to both is flexibility.

We all have an initial reaction to the word. I think of people who don’t need life to be rigid. People who can quickly adapt to change. This is definitely an aspect of flexibility.

Here’s a great definition:

“Flexibility is the ability to adjust your emotions, thoughts, and behavior to changing situations and conditions. This component of emotional intelligence applies to your overall ability to adapt to unfamiliar, unpredictable, and dynamic circumstances. Flexible people are agile, synergistic and capable of reacting to change, without rigidity.”

https://www.safaribooksonline.com/library/view/the-eq-edge/9780470681619/29_chapter-15.html

So then what is it that makes some people flexible? What are they thinking and doing differently that enables this flexibility?

• They don’t catastrophize situations

• They don’t let their emotions overwhelm their ability to think and problem-solve

• They problem-solve on the fly sometimes

• They are not easily deterred if the first or second idea don’t work

• They don’t entertain self-destructive dialogues

• They are comfortable with great, letting go of perfect

• They reframe situations looking for benefits and the positive aspects to changes

• They are resourceful being willing to get help and engage others

• They process emotion at times and in ways that allow them to not be bogged down by them

• They look forward towards a solution

• They focus on the solution versus who or what to blame

• They see quitting as a valid option in some situations and don’t need to equate it with failure

You get the idea. Let’s play with some of the questions that these flexible people may be asking themselves: questions that can help any of us.

• What are my choices right now?

• What is the worst thing that could happen with each of those choices?

• What skills do I have that can help me through this?

• What is making me feel stuck?

• If I was through this situation what would matter most after?

Is there a process here? I suspect there are many and each of us will find our own that works based on our unique strengths and skills. Let’s see what we can distill though.

Timeline:

1. Roadblock or problem occurs

2. Answer or solution is not immediately obvious

3. Begin scan of possible solutions and ways forward

4. Acknowledge disappointment, fear, etc. but not to dwell on it

5. Draw on internal and external resources

6. Brainstorm and choose forward action until a roadblock is hit

7. Repeat

How can we grow in our flexibility?

When we notice a barrier to moving forward and we notice our emotions escalating, having some grounding questions handy can really help.

Acknowledge the emotions and promise yourself that you can come back to them but don’t let them paralyze you.

If you can see flexibility as a bunch of specific skills and practices that you can train yourself in, then you may be amazed at how quickly you can grow this aspect of both emotional intelligence and resiliency.

Until next time,

Coach Marilyn

Marilyn Orr is Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook "How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?", available on Amazon . Subscribe to " Marilyn's Musings " twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Marilyn Orr is Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook "How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?", available on Amazon . Subscribe to " Marilyn's Musings " twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

5 Ways To Support Others’ Dreams

Wed, 03 Jan 2018 06:00:00 GMT

On December 30th we received a new family member - such a great sign of new beginnings.

New life. All hopes and dreams lie ahead. Full of possibility.

There is nothing right now to get in the way of little David dreaming and creating the future he will end up wanting for himself.

What gets in the way of us chasing our dreams? What prevents us from keeping an open mind to possibility?

It is so tempting to write to you about how to pursue your dreams. This time though, at the start of this new year, let’s put our focus on how we can help other people realize their dreams.

How amazing will it be at the end of this year to be able to list the people that we helped move towards their dream. There will be a ripple effect. Their dreams will impact other people’s lives.

Practical ideas for supporting others’ dreams:

1. Ask questions like “If you could be doing anything at all, what would you like to be doing in 10 years?” or “What would you be doing if you did not need to be making money?”

2. Help change people’s negative self-talk by giving them overt feedback that reframes what they may see as failure. E.g. “I know that the project did not go as you had hoped but it has been amazing to see how much you have learned in the process.”

3. Practice helping friends and colleagues think things through instead of giving advice. Inadvertently when we give advice we suggest that we know better and the other person should not trust their own thoughts. Instead when we help them come up with their own solutions and answers we create a space where their belief in themselves can grow.

4. Help expose and introduce your friends and colleagues to people that can help them realize their potential. I think of it as life purpose matchmaking.

5. Be a mentor. No matter where you are on the journey, there is someone who could benefit from you coming alongside them - offering listening, great questions and belief.

I’ve had many a dream that I pursued that numerous people thought I was crazy for pursuing. Some worked, some didn’t. Positive feedback and encouragement have been hugely helpful.

Who can you intentionally support this year?

This year, how about doing for a few people in your life what you wish had been done for you and your dreams years ago!

What differences will your friends be freed to make in our world because of your efforts?

Happy New Year!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Communicating Without Assumptions

Wed, 20 Dec 2017 06:00:00 GMT

My rug and my cabinet exterior are both made from recycled soda bottles. Many of my choices are fueled by my desire to live more environmentally friendly.

So?

So, when I was shopping last week and the lady after me in line at the grocery store got my attention to say “You know, it’s a small thing but you really should be using cloth bags!” it really pushed my buttons!

I felt a compulsion to explain, justify, make her realize that she had no idea who she was saying that to.

Of course I use cloth bags, most of the time. She was doing what we all do. She was making assumptions about me based on a small snippet of her experience of me.

One of the most powerful outcomes of practicing asking open-ended questions is that it provides a safeguard against assumptions we may be making. In coaching training we talk about “clean questions”.

A truly clean, open-ended question has a few key qualities:

1. It truly is a legitimate question, not a suggestion pretending to be a question

It does not contain my opinion. (What do you think of starting the new year with a habit of cleaning your desk every Friday?” is not a clean open-ended question.)

2. It is judgment free

Ideally a clean question is asked in a way that does not illicit a defensive reaction. “Why” questions usually trigger a feeling of a need to justify or feel defensive. (E.g. Why do you think you leave things to the last minute?) Shaming and criticizing are not effective ways to motivate!

3. It is expansive

Making a question really “open” is a skill in itself. One of the easiest ways to practice this skill is to start with “what” or “how” instead of “when”, “why” or “who”. The more expansive the better if you are wanting the person to explore ideas openly.

When we make assumptions about others and communicate those to them, they have a number of choices. Explain. Justify. Get defensive. Give up. Shut down. Try to prove us wrong. Not much about these choices is positive.

When we refrain from including the assumption in our questions or interactions we allow for growth, exploration and encouragement so much more easily.

Where are you most tempted to communicate based on assumptions?

What new habit would you like to incorporate into your communication for 2018?

Whatever holiday celebrations look like for you, I sure hope you get refreshed and renewed!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching , holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation. Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training, soft-skills development, facilitation of key discussions and team coaching.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

6 Ways To Increase Personal Work Engagement

Thu, 07 Dec 2017 06:00:00 GMT

Often when we talk about engagement in the workplace, it is a conversation about how employers can encourage a higher level in their employees. There are massive studies around this topic and how disengagement correlates to more sick time, accidents, etc. Gallup has done phenomenal amounts of work around this topic and has come up with the top 12 items that support engagement. Here’s a link to the 12 correlating questions, a good read - http://www.goalbusters.net/uploads/2/2/0/4/22040464/gallup_q12.pdf

Let’s think about our own engagement level though and the ways we benefit from being fully engaged. When I’m not fully engaged in my work (or life for that matter) I suffer. Work is less interesting, more frustrating, I’m stressed to see Monday morning roll around. When I find ways to be personally invested in my work I benefit.

Let’s be clear. I am not advocating selling your soul to the business you work for. I thoroughly encourage work/life “balance”. What I’m talking about is finding ways to work that are more life giving and rewarding for you.

I’ve had my share of really horrible jobs. Many years ago I was a “word processor” in a phone company. It was my job to type people’s hand written notes. I was marked on my keystrokes per minute - I’m not kidding! Someone printed what I typed and for doing so, was at a higher pay grade than I was. Even worse, the people who marked my work were also at a higher grade and completely enjoyed catching “errors” with a red pen - and debating with me on my understanding of grammar and my definition of a sentence. The red marks lowered my keystrokes per minute, even if their contributions were glaringly wrong. (To guard my sanity I often asked my friend with an MA in English to review my work and tell me I wasn’t losing it!)

I went home many nights in tears - tears of frustration and anger. After being given a very serious review about my performance with hints of “you could be fired” I decided I needed to do something. My work itself was very frustrating and partly because it felt like my intellectual contributions were being negated at every turn. This was the motivation I needed to start taking Masters courses in counseling. It eventually led to me getting my MA in counseling. My strategy at the time was to have something in my life that was intellectually stimulating and to have a place where my contributions could be affirmed.

It worked and I ended up taking classes with the manager from the same company’s employment center who ended up moving me in to human resources and it was life changing.

There are many different reasons why we want to disengage at work. It can be a difficult boss. Maybe it’s office politics or too much or too little work. Lack of recognition or lack of freedom in how to get the job done can also be big factors.

Whatever is behind it, do yourself a favor and find the things that help you engage more for your own sake. What will let you feel more fulfilled? What will bring you a sense of accomplishment?

Here are some ideas to increase your work engagement:

1. Set your own goals for yourself. Setting and achieving goals is life-giving for most of us.

2. Grow and develop relationships with people that ‘get you’ at work. Perhaps worry less about what level they are at in the organization.

3. Focus on what you can contribute to your co-workers, especially where it is not expected.

4. Practice giving positive feedback to your colleagues, even if you are not getting any from them.

5. Add some learning in to your life, even if it isn’t at work. It will help energize you.

6. Celebrate your accomplishments even if you are the only one at that celebration.

What is one thing you could do differently this coming week to make work more fulfilling for you? (You know I’d love to hear your stories!)

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon . Subscribe to “ Marilyn’s Musings ” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

Why 2 Thanksgivings Aren’t Enough!

Wed, 22 Nov 2017 06:00:00 GMT

Being a Canadian living in the States I get 2 Thanksgivings. Life is good! (I don’t even eat turkey :) )

As Bill and I create our dream together we have so much to be grateful for. We have also had a bunch of challenges and disappointments and set-backs. We could easily focus on the problems. This is the typical glass half full or half empty dilemma.

So, we all hear about being thankful, about gratefulness practices and journals. Then, why am I writing about this today?

We all need reminders. Opportunities to reset what we get focused on. I don’t think that 2 “Thanksgivings” are enough.

There is a wonderful video circulating on Facebook about a family celebrating the holidays. Many of the things that are just a normal part of their life are wrapped up - the car, family members, etc. The joy on the father’s face as he unwraps the things, that are already a part of his life, is wonderful.

Listening to a talk show on NPR yesterday about happiness and the happiest cities in America revealed some interesting facts. One was that new things that we get, thinking they will make us happy, do bring a new level of enjoyment but the “shelf life” of that is about 9 months. What lasts is choices in relationships and well-being.

So, if we want more to be thankful for we need to do more things:

1) Sew the seeds

What we develop and put effort and time in to now will be there for us in the future. What do you want to have in the years to come? How can you change how you spend your energy now to have more of that? (Good friendships take time and intentional effort to nurture, health doesn’t just happen, it is the result of dozens of daily choices over a long period of time.)

2) Changing our thinking

Learning the skill of re-framing is a life-changer. I believe at the core of optimism is this ability to look at the same situation as someone else but see the good and the possibilities.

Here’s a dare for you. Take 5 of the hard things that have happened to you in the past and take time to write 3 good or positive things that have come out of each. This is never to minimize the pain of those things. I do not believe in repressing or ignoring our grief. This is about seeing how the hard stuff opens up doors to new possibilities.

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all - whichever country you live life in!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Marilyn Orr is a Professional Certified Coach credentialed by the International Coach Federation, who, through her coaching business “ Capacity Building Coaching ”, thrives on building both personal and organization capacity through leadership coaching and development.

Increasing Your Self-Awareness

Wed, 08 Nov 2017 06:00:00 GMT

“He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.”

― Lao Tzu

Lately I’ve had the pleasure of having conversations with both family members and friends about their Myers-Briggs or StrengthsFinder results. The use of assessments is not the only way to increase one’s self-awareness but it’s a fun one!

Partly the assessment gives you time to reflect and agree or disagree with statements in the tool about you.

These kinds of tools can be used well and bring a lot of understanding and acceptance between people on a team or in a family.

Sadly, I’ve also seen these tools used very poorly. When used wrong, the results can inappropriately be used to limit people or simply hurt and alienate people.

Today I want us to simply pause and think of a next step for each of us in our journey of deepening our own self-awareness and understanding. This truly is the foundation to lasting growth and change.

Assessments are just 1 of many ways. Taking time to either receive some feedback from people who know you or taking time to reflect and ask yourself some thought-provoking questions are great avenues also.

Assessments often word things or group qualities in ways that we would not do on our own and can therefore expand our thinking. Even when we disagree.

Here are a few, just a few, of the assessments out there that I’ve worked with and enjoy using (on myself and my clients):

DiSC (measures behavioral style preferences)

Myers-Briggs (personality type indicator)

360 (this elicits feedback from your peers, direct reports, boss, etc.)

Strengthsfinder (34 themes and you receive top 5 or all in ranking order)

EQi (Emotional intelligence ranking 15 scales, all can be worked on)

There are values assessments, animal types, conflict style indicators, etc.

The Johari Window is a great illustration. It was created by psychologists Joseph Luft (1916–2014) and Harrington Ingham (1916–1995) in 1955. Here is the model:

We don’t know what we don’t know! We need to use a variety of methods to shine light on our blind spots and the “unknown” areas of our being.

Although there are new conversations around Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, there definitely seems to be a connection between being all that you can be, self-actualization, and being fulfilled and happy.

What will you do next to increase your self-awareness? What will you do to shine light in to your blind spots and free up some of your own potential?

If you want resource ideas let me know, I know a lot of coaches :)

Until next time,

Marilyn

Top Five Leadership Qualities

Thu, 26 Oct 2017 05:00:00 GMT

There are people that just stand out as different from the crowd. Sometimes for good reasons, sometimes, not so good.

What is it that makes people get noticed? What leads people to getting promoted? To being preferred by their customers? What says “leader” about some people, regardless of what position they currently hold?

As I coach leaders and people that do make hiring and promotion decisions, here are some of the top things that I hear from them:

Ready for some homework?

What are the top 10 qualities that you admire in a leader? After you have written them down rate yourself on each from 1-5 (1 being low, 5 exceptional).

Which of these qualities do you want to grow in? Who around you is strong in that area that might be willing to mentor or coach you?

Which of these qualities do you feel strong in? How can you encourage this quality, and the benefits it brings, with your colleagues?

Bonus Homework:

Ask 3-5 of your colleagues or direct reports to write down what they see as your top 5 leadership qualities. Comparing that to your self-concept can be quite interesting!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Chasing Your Dream

Wed, 11 Oct 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Isn’t it interesting that we call going after a big goal or vision “a dream”?

Well, it can feel surreal. The details on how you got there can be vague. To others and to yourself, at times, it can feel less than logical.

When we look at people after they have achieved their dream we can be jealous, we can minimize what it took them to get there or we can be inspired.

Here’s the thing, most realized “dreams” come with a lot of work, plenty of disappointments, pain, the temptation to quit (over and over) and usually onlookers that tell you that the dream, or you, are crazy.

Currently, Bill and I are on the path to creating a wellness retreat and wedding venue. There have been curveballs in the process that we sure did not anticipate. A few times one or the other of us questioned if it was worth it.

As an example, a recent curveball we have had as we finalize financing for the big buildings is that the bank won’t let us live on our property during the year of building. (There is a strong Homestead Act in Texas that is meant to protect homeowners against creditors.)

What keeps us going when discouraging setbacks happen?

Always, it’s a clear grasp on the ultimate vision. The “Why”.

- What are the reasons you started towards your dream in the first place?

- What will the benefits be when your dream comes true?

- How will lives or the world be changed?

- How will you benefit?

- If you don’t finish pursuing your dream what will the consequences be?

This “Why” will be important throughout the life of your business or organization, if that is what your dream is about. If you want inspiration here, Simon Sinek’s TED talk is always worth a listen: https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action

The reality is that each of our dreams is unique to us. We can’t just hope that someone else will accomplish our dream for us. The dreams you have, the ideas for you and futures you want to create, are unique to you - they come out of your passions, your gifts, your experiences, your needs, your insight.

I would argue that there is often a spiritual component behind them - be that God, the universe, shared humanity, whatever you see that as. The dream Bill and I share will create a space for healing, celebration, connection, peace and learning.

It is worth fighting for. It is worth putting up with some discomfort for.

What are your dreams?

Have you shelved one because it was too discouraging?

Dream chasing requires a lot of support. It takes a village (of friends) to get to the realization of most of our dreams.

What supports would help you right now to make your dreams become reality?

Want some homework?

Take five minutes and write down the answers to your “why”. Share them with at least one person. If I can help you dream or work through a hard spot in your dream, I’d love to.

Until next time,

Marilyn

Note to Self

Thu, 28 Sep 2017 05:00:00 GMT

As part of the International Coach Federation Greater Austin chapter I have the opportunity to hear amazing speakers, often! Last night was one of our own, an amazing lady, Carolyn Scarborough. She is a writing coach helping people unleash their creativity. Feel free to check out her site if that interests you: https://www.carolynscarborough.com

There were so many great quotes from last night. Two of my favorites: “Fire the editor” and “The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee”.

One of our exercises was to write to ‘writing’ like we were lovers. It gave us each a chance to explore what our relationship is like with writing and what our hopes and dreams are. Super cool!

The evening also reminded me of a powerful exercise I haven’t done in a while and that I want to share with you.

Write yourself a letter!

Here are 3 separate ideas under this concept. (I hope some of you take on the challenge to do all 3!)

Past Me - What does older, wiser, more healed, more mature me want to say to younger me?

Younger me may have picked up some false beliefs through some wounding that I want to address. Maybe I need to kindly fire younger me from trying to ‘protect’ me from things that I can handle now. Sometimes younger me just needs to be offered love and compassion to allow current me to leave her behind, in peace.

Current Me - What do my head and my heart need to say to each other, and me?

Whether it’s that we are stuck in an old story about ourself or simply stuck, the act of writing can unstick us. Maybe you need affirmation or compassion about a specific thing. We can look to others for these things but how amazing when we can offer them to ourself!

Future Me - What would your future you to be doing, living, feeling?

This type of letter can help you stay focused in tough current circumstances. It can help you clarify your vision and even purpose. Perhaps you want to tell future you about this time or a past time in your life and either celebrate or grieve with him or her. Your future you has more wisdom and insight about current you. Even writing questions to future you can bring you clarity and freedom.

I hope this is both fun and therapeutic for those of you that choose to do this. As always, if you want to share anything with me, I love hearing from you!

Tips and Ideas:

• Write to yourself by another name (or your middle name if you have one)

• Email yourself the letter

• Actually pop the letter in the mail now or at a specific date

• Give the letter to a friend to mail to you later

• Using paper instead of a computer will help you not worry about grammar and spelling

• Have your kids do this with you

Happy writing!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Enriching Your Soil

Thu, 14 Sep 2017 05:00:00 GMT

My garden teaches and illustrates many of life’s lessons for me. Today I want to focus on the importance of rich soil. Obviously this blog is not about gardening but the garden sure highlights some great principles.

These two images are of the same plant, same seed but what a dramatic difference!

There may be some other minor factors contributing but the two main differences between these two are 1) the soil and 2) regular watering.

Let’s talk about soil. There are key components and ratios for great soil. Fertilizers provide various amounts of nitrogen (N), phosphorus (P), and potassium (K). Important, but rarely discussed is the “loft or fluffiness” in the soil (I’m not making this up, honest!) This factor means that the soil will get both air and moisture effectively and not compact.

The soil producing the lush version of the Grape Hyacinth Vine comes from a great local company that really has specialized in soil. Here’s something they say on their site which I think we can extrapolate from:

GeoGrowers: “To make sure that our soils are balanced, we have them analyzed regularly at Texas Plant and Soil Lab”.

http://www.geogrowers.net/CustomSoilBlends.html

So, what are the lessons for us?

Know what your key nutrients are for your optimum wellness and happiness.

How much time do you need with friends? alone? in nature? etc.

Maximize your fluffines s ! (I couldn’t resist). Space - this parallels my gas tank analogy, not living on empty. It’s okay, It’s even wise, to give yourself more than the bare minimum for your wellness. This ties back in to self-compassion and self-kindness. This allows for extra resiliency and keeps us from hitting the maxed-out line so quickly.

What stresses can you eliminate or reduce in your life? Where have you said “yes” but may need to say “no” or “later” to?

Create a baseline with wellness professionals.

Soil gets tested, well water should be tested once per year, your car gets checked over regularly. Who would be the appropriate wellness and balance professionals to work with who can proactively help you do check-ins?

When we feed our body, mind and soul the right nutrients, water what’s growing regularly and take time to weed out the bitterness and disappointments before they take over we are well on our way to happy and meaningful living.

Here are some more garden pictures, just for fun!

Until next time,

Marilyn

How to Become a Hero

Wed, 30 Aug 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Over the last week, after the awe of the eclipse Texas has experienced the trauma of Hurricane Harvey.

Many of our friends and family have been really impacted but all are safe, what a gift!

It has been inspiring to watch the rescue efforts and to watch people gearing up to help for the very long next phase of rebuilding.

Just like in the recently released movie Dunkirk, a historical account of how everyday people stepped in to rescue with their own boats, we are seeing ordinary people going door to door rescuing Texans using their own small boats. Official first responders just cannot get to everyone.

Amazing.

There are some “side effects” from this storm that we are benefiting from here in Texas.

People are working together and not caring about skin color, race, political affiliations, rich or poor. They are simply neighbors caring for each other in a situation that has leveled the playing field!

I hope that many of these experiences will have a lasting impact on people. I hope that many of these kind encounters will help paint ointment on the rawness both from this trauma and from the Virginia riot and tragedy. Sometimes the impact is short lived but I think for some there will be a life-long change. That’s what I want us to focus on.

Imagine John got his own boat, got in to the water on the streets of Houston, went door to door looking for people that needed rescuing and actually found a family to help.

John got them out of the house safely, took them to dry land and ended their panic, their isolation. He ended the possibility that they could deteriorate in to critical condition or, worst of all, could die if not rescued.

The impact John had is immense. It is heroic. It is life-changing and life-saving work. John showed up in a way that really mattered.

He can honestly now look at himself differently. Whatever ways he may have criticized himself before, he now can completely alter how he sees himself after doing this rescue.

We all long to make an impact. This is not about being a people-pleaser. This is about shared humanity and a healthy desire for our life to count and for our actions to make a difference in someone else’s life.

You may not have a chance to be this kind of hero. However, we all have opportunities, everyday to have impact. To show up in ways that change someone else’s day or their life, perspective, mood, etc. There is evidence that simply connecting with another human being through smiling with them can alter their mood to a degree. Click the image here for an article from Penn State "Is Smiling Contagious?"

One of the best things we can do to be ready to be a daily hero to others is to care for our own needs so that our tank is full and we have joy and happiness to share.

What can you do each morning to remind yourself how you want to show up for the people around you?

Is it time to add something more meaningful to your life where you can make more of an impact more frequently?

Is there someone who helps make your life better, even in small ways, that you can thank?

Until next time,

Gratefully,

Marilyn

Leveraging the Benefits of Fresh Starts

Thu, 17 Aug 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Growing up in an Air Force family I got to move more than many of you reading this. It wasn’t until I was well into adulthood though that I noticed the phenomenon that I want to share about today.

When you move somewhere new and no one knows you, a couple opportunities present themselves.

You get a fresh start. A chance to choose how you want to show up - to redefine yourself and how people will experience you. You choose what you will commit to and where you want to lay low. This, of course, is only if you make yourself conscious of this and take advantage of the opportunity.

You also instantly lose your ‘notoriety’ - not in the public sense of that but in the sense that there were numerous people who knew your strengths, your accomplishments, your sense of humor, what they could turn to you for, people who enjoyed being with you.

This second point is an opportunity too but it can be a harder one to embrace.

A few years ago when I moved from New Brunswick, Canada to Massachusetts to Bill’s world I left what had been home for decades to a place where no one knew me. I began to know my in-laws truly after moving.

During those months it was interesting to be out somewhere with Bill and have people react to his name. ‘Oh, are you an Orr from the dealership?’. Bill’s family name meant something where we were living. It was fascinating to be known only for that inherited characteristic.

Now, in Texas, people don’t know the name Orr. (I hardly ever even hear ‘Are you related to Bobby Orr?’). People don’t know Bill and I where we live now.

There are benefits from new starts and I think some of these benefits we can get without moving to a new country, city or town.

We can get attached to our ego and the kudos we get from it without even knowing how attached and dependent we are on that. Fresh starts let us lay that down and just be known and loved for our core self. People in Wimberley that I hang out with now have never heard me speak, likely don’t read my blog, have never been coached by me or counseled by me and yet seem to enjoy my company. Cool.

When we receive attention and feedback based on accomplishments and performance sometimes we don’t get to enjoy the more basic sensation of purely being enjoyed without performing. New relationships are an opportunity to NOT present what we’ve done, ‘who we are’ through performance, degrees, who we know, etc. This may be scary but it is also so rewarding.

I can only imagine that it is like when a celebrity finds a little getaway place where nobody knows who they are. We all have that but on a different scale. There’s a weird mix of ‘don’t you know who I am’ and ‘I’m so glad you don’t know who I am’. Freedom and identity loss.

So, without moving how do we get this?

It can be simply moving in to a new club, meet-up, company, etc. We can make these transitions with intentional strategy to not hide behind or ‘benefit’ from telling all the new people in our life about our accomplishments. The benefits will be a chance to strip back how you’ve been used to showing up and rediscovering yourself.

How do you want to be known?

What is it people love you for?

What were you doing just to keep getting your ego stroked (that wasn’t life giving)?

Well, I’m going to practice what I preach and enjoy this new phase in my life of living in the country, outside of a small town where very few people know my name.

Here’s to all your fresh starts!

Until next time,

Marilyn

Blasting Through Barriers to Change

Thu, 03 Aug 2017 16:30:00 GMT

We live in a world where looking at the positive is more “in” than ever. I’m a believer. Gratefulness, seeing the glass half full, ‘reframing’; these are all good things.

There is a trap though that we can fall in to. We can too quickly minimize the real challenges and barriers and therefore not have the right strategy to overcome them. Or we can lack adequate emotional processing of them to not unwittingly cart them around with us far too long.

Our logical brain knows that there is absolutely no impact on the facts by prolonging seeing the Dr. about a suspicious lump. It simply delays treatment when it is a real problem and delays the sense of relief if it’s nothing. People still do this though. We do it with the changes we want to see in our lives too.

There is something very enticing about ignoring and minimizing things that feel overwhelming. Sometimes it is even wise if we don’t have the resources and capacity in that moment to deal with something. The trick is to not delay any longer than necessary.

So, while remaining open to seeing the positive and while practicing gratitude, let’s also stare our very real barriers in the face so they don’t get to have undue influence on our futures!

Common barriers include:

Obviously the list can be endless.

Here are 10 questions to help you explore barriers:

Think of something you would like to be different in your life - at home, at work, as a parent, wherever, and try out some of these questions.

Well, that felt good, you know I love asking questions! (Rest assured, I have people asking me tough questions too, lol.)

Happy pondering!

As a result of some of my growth strategies you will see a change coming now in my blog posts. In addition to coaching and supporting individual growth and development I’m wanting to support the growth and development of couples. Luv Life Coaching is my company for this work and starting next week I’ll be alternating weeks between Capacity Building Coaching blog posts and Luv Life Coaching posts.

Obviously, I’d love you to join me in both of these adventures but the choice will be yours! If you wish to subscribe to my new Luv Life Coaching blog, you can click HERE .

Note that if you subscribe, you will still be receiving one blog post from me a week, just now split between both companies!

Until next week,

Marilyn

Break Free From These 3 Time Stealers

Thu, 27 Jul 2017 05:00:00 GMT

As is often the case for business owners, naming my business required a lot of wrestling. Capacity Building Coaching is about helping clients build their own personal capacity - with better emotional spaces, improved thinking, healthier habits, increased assertiveness and better strategy. It’s also about increasing the capacity of your business and team by doing all of these same things at both the individual level and at the group level.

One big component to increased capacity is more strategic use of time. That, obviously, is one of our most important resources and one that we actually have some control over.

Let’s look at some ideas on how to be more strategic with your use of time so that you free up time for what you know really matters - in your career and in your life.

Social media - if you like this stuff at all or need to use it for your job you know that you could spend all day on it and not have much, if anything to show for it at the end of the day.

What are some less subtle time stealers though?

1. Stressing about something without moving it to action.

How many hours have been spent mulling something over when the actual action to “fix” or move it forward requires far less time!

Ideas:

2. Constantly switching between tasks.

My personality makes me a master at this! There's lots of research showing how much time it takes when we switch between tasks.

Ideas:

3. Being overwhelmed.

So, I’ve got time to work but I don’t know where to start. Overwhelming and sometimes parallelizing.

Ideas:

We could keep going with this but I bet if we all used just these strategies regularly we would be shocked at how much time and energy we free up!!!

I’d love to hear your struggles or strategies! Drop me a line.

What do you want to do differently this week?

Until next week,

Marilyn

Friendship

Thu, 20 Jul 2017 17:30:00 GMT

I am an “Air Force Brat”. By the time I was 5 I had lived in a few countries. My family moved less than many military families, thankfully, but I still learned to pack up and move on.

Some of that was bad and I had to unlearn. I realized many years ago I learned to just turn off the pain of leaving friends behind. I don’t embrace that anymore.

One of the good things I learned was how to make friends in “the new place”. Between that and my high extroversion trait you’d think that making friends would just magically happen for me. Well, it does and it doesn’t.

Meeting people and striking up a conversation comes very easily (Bill might say, perhaps too easily, lol).

Having hundreds of high-level friends comes easily for me. As an extrovert I put people in the friend category that some of you would definitely put in the acquaintance category. (I love that cheesy saying that “A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet”.)

Real friendship though takes intention, time, trust, openness, vulnerability.

I definitely have deep friendships with people I hardly ever get to see. The friends that would be there if I needed them. That I could go super deep with immediately even if we haven’t talked in 6 months. Those friendships though are ones we have both sewn into. Sewn in time, deep talks, lots of laughter, perhaps shared giving to others together.

Here’s what I notice. Life gets busy for all of us and often what suffers is taking time to give yourself the gift of really solid time with your friends. You need it. There are few things that fill our tank like time with healthy friends that we can really be ourselves with. Time with people that we can laugh and cry with. Friends that see our warts and extra pounds and bs and love us the way we are.

Who do you need to have some time with?

Be picky about your friends! Does the relationship feel mutual? Is one of you the rescuer of the other? Do you feel a pull to fix or be needy? Healthy friendships are not about fixing. Support is different from fixing.

Which of your friends do you laugh the most with? Do you need to do some more laughing with them soon?

Now, let’s talk about BFF and real life. Friends come and go. That’s okay. Different friends meet different needs in our life. Some will be super long-term and others will be for a season. Hold them lightly and gratefully. I like the languages “One of my dear friends” over best friend. “Best friend” excludes others and gives the impression that one friend can be just about everything for you.

I have friends that challenge me to be more philanthropic. Friends that crack me up. Friends that know how to get me to open up more. Friends that check in on my spirituality. I need them all. Friends that love business and share that world with me.

Here is to my friends! Many of whom may even be reading this. I love you, you are what make my life so incredibly rich!

And, here is to you getting some really awesome time with some of your dear friends soon or, to taking steps with acquaintances in your life that will turn them in to dear friends!

What is your next intentional friend step?

Until next week,

Marilyn

Getting Comfortable With You

Thu, 13 Jul 2017 17:00:00 GMT

I just had the privilege of being interviewed on Ms Entrepreneur. It was really enjoyable but also a chance to practice great self-talk and self-compassion.

The amazing host, Janie, made the interview so enjoyable. A few weeks ago I was interviewed on the radio and that was a bit of a stretch for me. This was a FB live video interview. Both were great opportunities for me to simply show up as me and bring what I have, who I am. I could not bring what and who I am NOT.

I couldn’t bring skinny Marilyn. I couldn’t bring who I will be 5 years from now. I could not bring anything other than who I am. To quote Brene Brown, “I am enough”.

Let’s get cheesy for a minute. Only you can be you so do it well! You will spend a lot of time in your mind so make it a nice place!

If I let myself focus on what I am not or am not yet it takes away from what I am and what I can offer.

What is limiting your confidence? What is keeping you from showing up boldly somewhere in your life?

How do we get more comfortable with our current, real, not perfect self?

Beating yourself up for what you are not is paralyzing - setting goals and creating action plans for growth is a much more productive answer.

Acknowledge that those imperfections you are so aware of can keep you both approachable and humble. (Watch Brene Brown a few more times on her TED talk :))

Changing your thinking about yourself is possible! The benefits in happiness, freedom and possibilities are really endless.

I’m rooting for you!

Until next week,

Marilyn

Paths to Independence

Thu, 06 Jul 2017 17:00:00 GMT

As a Canadian living in the USA I get to celebrate Canada Day July 1 and Independence Day July 4. I’m intrigued by both the parallels and the differences those two celebrations have.

Wikipedia has great little summaries:

“On July 1 1867 , at noon, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and the Province of Canada were proclaimed the Dominion of Canada, with John A. MacDonald its first prime minister. Now, the area of Upper Canada was called Ontario and Lower Canada was called Quebec. With passage of the British North America Act, the Dominion of Canada was officially established as a self-governing entity within the British Empire.”

“ Independence Day is annually celebrated on July 4 and is often known as "the Fourth of July". It is the anniversary of the publication of the declaration of independence from Great Britain in 1776 … the birth of the United States of America as an independent nation.”

Trust me, this is not a history blog. That is NOT one of my strengths (just ask Bill!).

What intrigues me is the two different paths to independence. I think it offers us a wonderful illustration for moving to healthier relationships. Canada made the move much later than the US and to this day continues a very cordial relationship with British Royalty, etc.

Many years ago, after going through a very difficult situation with close friends I booked a few sessions with a therapist to help me work it through and learn what I needed to learn.

It was very productive and helped me to see where I had not been setting good boundaries. I let others’ opinions matter more in my life than my own - about me! I was still wanting external validation and attaching my confidence to feedback from others. I needed help in becoming more independent!

Obviously I’m not alone. Nor am I 100% over this people-pleasing tendency but I have definitely found a lot more independence and freedom from needing to please others. Just like the contrast between how the USA and how Canada obtained their independence (and how it looks now for each country) I think our own paths to healthier independence can vary.

In the process the counsellor wanted me to confront my Dad about the abuse I had received from him. I wasn’t ready for that and actually don’t think that I needed that for my freedom. The path to freedom can be an internal, personal one. In fact, I believe that your freedom in relationships IS NOT dependent on the other person. If I base my freedom on a conversation with another person then I am still dependent on their reaction. That is not freedom.

It may feel like an appropriate step in some relationships to “speak your truth”. Let’s keep the two steps very separate though. If you need to be more independent that is something you choose to do and likely need to process emotionally - with a journal, with a counselor, etc. It is rarely something you can process easily with the person you need to be less dependent with.

It is an older classic but still full of great wisdom - the book is called “Co-Dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. There is also a workbook (easily found on Amazon, etc.). Beattie includes a great little test to help you examine how co-dependent your relationships are.

The healthy version for us as people is healthy inter-dependence. My goal in life is not emotional independence. It is relationships where we share the ability to be fully present, not shrinking and not over-powering with each other. Be seen, valued and honored and offer that in return.

The pendulum can swing sometimes when we discover a need for less dependence but the happy place is with deep, vulnerable and honest connection. Connection free of control, shame, judgment and manipulation.

Here’s to your next steps in healthier relationships!

What are your next steps?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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The Power of Storytelling

Thu, 29 Jun 2017 05:00:00 GMT

It is summer and the perfect time to sit by the water with a great book. There is nothing like getting lost in a great novel.

Last night I had the privilege of hearing Geri England, a coach from Dallas, TX, talk about the power of storytelling. It was a great evening with fellow Austin coaches, telling each other stories and having our stories heard.

This is a gift both of my boys have, asking for stories. “Mom tell about the time …”. Storytelling is very bonding. Our being responds to each others’ stories like little else. Geri explained about the various chemicals that story produces in our brain, amazing.

Paul Zak writes a compelling article on the power of story and how we would benefit from incorporating it regularly in to our work environments and meetings.

https://hbr.org/2014/10/why-your-brain-loves-good-storytelling

Here are a couple of Zak’s key points, they are remarkable:

“Oxytocin is produced when we are trusted or shown a kindness, and it motivates cooperation with others. It does this by enhancing the sense of empathy, our ability to experience others’ emotions.”

“Character-driven stories do consistently cause oxytocin synthesis. Further, the amount of oxytocin released by the brain predicted how much people were willing to help others.”

Story allows us to experience connection with others and triggers our desire to help. Wow. No wonder it is getting noticed by businesses!

Some of the commercials that you have been most impacted by likely contain a story. Many of the best ones do.

One of my favorite commercials is for the BC Lions. As a coach it feels like it parallels what I get to do for a living - cheer people on - help them grab the victory that I know they are capable of grabbing.

Here it is, 30 awesome seconds:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaVNboUO05g

When was the last time you just sat around with friends or family or work colleagues and told some stories?

How can you use stories for team building?

What story do you want to be living this week?

Until next week,

Marilyn.

Marilyn Orr is a Professional Certified Coach, who, through her coaching business “ Capacity Building Coaching ”, thrives on building both personal and organization capacity through leadership coaching and development.

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The Blame Game

Thu, 22 Jun 2017 05:00:00 GMT

There are key ingredients, traits, outlooks, that enable some people to grow from feedback and personal insight and others to regress.

You know some of the people that regress - they get defensive when someone points out something. They are experts at pointing the finger at multiple other people and circumstances to explain why it is not their fault. They always have a reason for why things went wrong and that reason is never their own mistake or shortcoming.

You don’t have to be very old to know how to play this game. Sadly, some people, who learned it at a young age, are still playing it well in to adulthood.

What does it do for them? Minimizes their pain of feeling inadequate. We could call it some other things but I think it boils down to this.

What does it do to them? Well, they frequently are throwing other people under the bus, they aren’t growing emotionally because they won’t examine themselves closely for fear of what they will see and they are defensive when you try to have a conversation to resolve conflict. Hmm.

This is not a fun way to live. This, in its extreme cases is isolation. It is the opposite to happy and it prevents intimacy and being truly known and loved.

At the core, I believe, the person using these patterns is convinced (consciously or not) that were people to see the real, imperfect, them that they would not be worthy of love. It is sad but also very annoying if you are trying to work or live with someone with these self-defense mechanisms.

When are you most tempted?

I know I get tempted when someone is trying to give me advice and I feel like they don’t know as much as I do on the topic. I get tempted when someone is giving me feedback on a topic I feel insecure or sensitive about.

What are the steps to growth then, no matter where along the spectrum you are on these habits?

Give yourself permission to listen to the other person’s feedback or opinion WITHOUT replying. Intentionally separate out your response. You can even tell the person that you are going to do that. E.g. “I’m just going to listen to your input right now and then take time to think about it before responding.”

Take time to ponder the feedback. Journalling is an excellent tool for this. How did you feel when you got the feedback? What were you immediately tempted to say back?

Ask yourself some key questions: Have I ever had similar feedback before? If they are right about what they see in me what is the worst thing that could happen? Have I been rejected for not being perfect before and am I bringing that in to this situation?

Choose self-compassion, as best you can. You really can be imperfect and deeply lovable! In fact, as humans we are built to love vulnerability and openness in each other.

Return to the person who gave you the feedback and explain your reactions and processing first. (If this is work this may be short, something like “I’m working on being less defensive so taking time to process feedback really helps me.”) Then give your honest thoughts on their feedback, owning as much as possible of the situation.

What will this process do for us when we use it? Among other things:

So, here’s to authenticity and being loved for the imperfect, vulnerable people that we are!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Creative Stress Releases

Wed, 14 Jun 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Often one of the hardest questions I ask clients is to name the top 10 things that refresh them or “fill their tank” back up.

It is rare to have someone be able to rattle off 10. Some, even with lots of encouragement, have a hard time doing so.

Depending on whether you are an introvert or extrovert, what refreshes you may look drastically different. Then of course each of us is unique.

What do most of us share? Laughter. For some of us this will be best experienced in a group or with friends. For some on our own.

There are many proven benefits to laughing. I love this little article:

https://www.gaiam.com/blogs/discover/7-health-benefits-of-laughter

Ok, so I worked hard for you all, lol. I’ve tried to find some funny things to share. What’s funny to me may not be what strikes your funny bone though. Here’s your homework:

Set aside at least one time this week to enjoy something funny - a funny friend, some hilarious youtube videos, some cartoons, a comedy. Let yourself laugh. Let go of some tension - remember that even with a long “to do” list, laughter is brilliant and wise.

Perhaps you are going through something heavy - a loss, a huge transition. Laughing even now is not disrespectful or inappropriate. Humor and ‘black humor’ serve us well.

So - there is always the funny cat video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njSyHmcEdkw

How about those adorable baby videos? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWGkjZJfJPM

Want a recommendation on a funny movie? Here’s a list by Rolling Stone: http://www.rollingstone.com/movies/pictures/readers-poll-the-25-funniest-movies-of-all-time-20140521

With so many health and well-being benefits with none of the pain of running a marathon, why not intentionally plan for more laughter???

You know I love to hear from you - if you want to share a link to something funny I’d love it!!!

Let’s end with this lovely Irish Blessing:

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Diversity and Support

Thu, 08 Jun 2017 16:00:00 GMT

Likely you would all agree that you want to be supportive to your friends and family. Me too. We want to encourage them in their endeavors, listen to their dreams and disappointments, celebrate with them and love them how they most enjoy being loved.

This is a time in world history when we talk so openly about embracing diversity. Making sure our board of directors are diverse, making sure our hiring practices represent gender equality, extending rights regardless of gender identity transitions or sexual orientation, backing up diversity values with laws and standards. Great strides, necessary strides are being taken. There is still plenty of room for growth here but there is movement.

At the same time it seems to be a time when people are very entrenched in their positions and where relationships are at risk over differences of opinions, political or otherwise.

How can we love and support others when we don’t agree with them?

Does support mean agreement? I don’t think it does, I think we are just so used to only supporting people when they are doing what we think they should be doing.

It is easy to support people when we approve of their thoughts, actions, attitudes. I’m not talking about condoning illegal or abusive behavior here. There are so many things though that others do that simply fall in to the category of “something I would not do” - or think, or say, etc.

Here are my thoughts on how we can handle these situations. Let’s say someone in your life has just done something that you think is unwise.

Separate out the person from the value or action. Can you love the person even though you would choose a different action?

Process your own emotion about the situation. It is okay to have your own strong feelings about someone else’s decisions and choices, obviously, but way more helpful to the relationship if you can process your reactions and emotions away from them. This releases the energy of your reaction and lets you focus on supporting them versus your conversation being about your reaction and feelings.

Think of how your friend’s choice is viewed by them. What does this mean in their world? What amazing values are they demonstrating by their choice, even if you would do so very differently? Make a list of the strengths and positive values you see in that person and, when possible, even in their choice.

Give them feedback that supports their positive values and qualities you see in them.

It is okay to refrain from giving advice, disagreeing, sharing what you would have done differently. Most of us don’t like being told what to do or how to do it. Most of us don’t like being told how someone else would have done something better or different. If someone really wants your opinion they can ask you for it and you can cross that bridge then!

So, let’s build bridges over to the people on the other side of some issues, beliefs, and ideas. Let’s see what will happen when we start loving people who think differently from us!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Being In The Flow

Wed, 31 May 2017 20:00:00 GMT

There are different words connected to this concept of “flow”. Intuition. Discernment. Luck. Psychic. Prophetic. Gut feeling.

The idea is that somehow you are tapping in to insight or knowledge that you may not have facts to back up. Flow is the idea that you are following your “gut” often enough that you are not in the way of God (or the universe) orchestrating things in your life.

When you look up “flow” it connects you to “flowchart”. It is that idea but on a more spiritual plane. Actions and choices connect to each other in ways that we can look back on in wonder.

Wikipedia defines intuition as follows: “a thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning”.

So, how does this all tie together and how do we “get in the flow”?

I’m just going to share my theories here, no hard science, just my musings.

There are little indicators that we need to pay attention to but we need to learn to listen discerningly. We are all capable of hearing those “shoulds” that come out of guilt or shame. That is not the prompting I’m talking about. There is another, usually softer quieter prompting we feel - it’s like a fleeting idea often that something would be good to do.

It might be as simple as thinking of sending a card to a friend or taking someone a meal. It might be asking a question in a meeting that may not feel entirely logical or backed up by “conscious reasoning”. Sometimes following our intuition can feel risky but more often than not it is highly rewarding. The problem is that in order to get good at using your intuition you have to actually follow the hunches (and that can be a little unnerving at first).

Last night Bill and I visited friends who had lost a grandson 5 years ago yesterday. I had gone over with a box of kleenex and cried with them the morning that he had died. Our visiting yesterday was uniquely comforting. I had no conscious thought that it was the anniversary of his death. I did feel like I really wanted to visit them yesterday. Hmm. Interesting right?!

I’ve had many friends say “just when I’m really struggling you call or visit”. This is not about any genius-ness on my part. For me this is about an orchestra being played and I’m simply trying to hit my notes. I’m not conducting and I don’t know the big picture but if I can learn to pay attention to my desires and ideas, especially as they connect to relationships, amazing things can happen.

Please don’t hear me say to throw logic out the window. As we discussed last week emotions and logic are both important and should feed each other. This is about assuming that there may be a plan (by God, by the universe, depending on your perspective) and that there is an opportunity to enjoy participating at another level.

Some people tap in to this cosmic dance through meditation or prayer. Some people have simply learned to listen throughout their day.

How will you play with this idea this week?

What are your stories of “being in the flow”?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Your Emotions Are So Logical!

Thu, 25 May 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Which came first, the emotion or the thought? It’s an interesting question and it matters when we either want to be more self-aware or create lasting change.

There are assessments that measure whether a person tends more toward emotion or thinking. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a great example of that.

Some of us feel first and then, hopefully, think about the situation, including our feelings. Some of us think first and then, hopefully, take time to check in and see how we feel.

I love that. I most definitely am a feeler first. As a way of protecting myself growing up in a highly dysfunctional family I actually worked hard to bury my feelings and also to separate them from my thinking.

Part of my healing and growing process has been to pay more attention to what I’m feeling and let my feelings inform my thinking. Instead of seeing feelings as anti-logic (illogical) I have come to understand that they are often smarter than my initial logic. Since I am a feeler first it sometimes takes time to get to my thinking. Truly I have to let myself experience and understand what I’m really feeling - that is, let myself feel for awhile. Then the thinking becomes clearer.

This feeling phase may take the form of crying, talking it out, journaling, etc. It allows for the thoughts to get unplugged. The feelings bring clarity to the thoughts for me.

How is it for you?

I’m not going to pretend to write about the process for thinkers because that is too foreign to me, lol. I’d love to hear from some of you though that score high on the T scale in Myers-Briggs. How do you incorporate your feelings in to your process?

What I love is how thinking and feeling go hand-in-hand. One does not contradict or make null and void the other. Quite the opposite. They are essential together and make for great decision making. There was a day when we thought “purely” logical leaders made the best decisions. Now we know that emotionally intelligent leaders make the best leaders.

What could you work on that would improve your thinking/feeling balance or flow?

As you know, if you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, I’m a big Brene Brown fan. Having watched her TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability again recently I’m reminded of her powerful statement “you cannot selectively numb”. When we choose to numb the hard feelings - shame, pain, betrayal, etc. then we also numb joy, happiness, love, etc.

Turn up the volume!!!

Choosing to let yourself feel more deeply is a step in choosing to let yourself be seen and loved more deeply!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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What’s So Powerful About Coaching?

Wed, 17 May 2017 05:00:00 GMT

It is International Coaching Week. I thought it would be a great time to talk about the power of coaching and what it is and is not.

So often I hear people say “Oh I don’t think I need coaching, things are going well.” To use a sports analogy that would be like saying the Patriots don’t need a coach because they have won so many games. (Sorry if you are not a Patriots fan.)

Coaching is best suited to people who are doing well. In some organizations it is a benefit for the best performers. Absolutely it can help people where they are struggling but internal motivation and readiness are key factors in the success of coaching.

Coaching makes you dig deep. It can make you uncomfortable. Have you ever noticed that sometimes there is a bit of resistance before you break through to a new way of thinking? A coach is trained to help you breakthrough your old limited thinking to new possibilities.

Imagine being listened to. I mean really listened to! Imagine someone who hears your passions, sees your strengths, knows how to get you to your best strategies, improve your work/life balance and life in a much more fulfilling way. It is powerful stuff.

This is an awesome video on what coaching is and it’s benefits:

https://vimeo.com/136645385

Here is a great definition from this video about coaching:

“Coaching is a guided process where somebody helps you, through the power of questions and active listening, come to your own conclusion. You have to get your own answers. These are the best answers because you are the expert for yourself. I think coaching is the leadership style for the future.”

Coaching is not advice giving.

Coaching is not therapy.

Coaching is not mentoring.

Coaching is not consulting.

Coaching is highly supportive, non-judgmental, enlightening, surprising at times and builds self-esteem.

It is really hard to describe even though I have been coaching for 12 years. It is a very experiential process.

Here’s my offer, if you have not had coaching before but are curious I’ll gladly give you a free session. This is not a sales pitch, I’m not taking on many clients right now, but I know many great coaches.

One of the best benefits of being a coach is knowing a bunch of other great coaches. We coach each other often. I love getting coached. Coaches hold the space for me - knowing that I can do something, be someone, when it might be hard to do for myself. They help me play bigger, like myself more, be more at peace.

Thanks to all my colleagues who are making life better and more meaningful for other human beings on this planet!!!

Happy Coaching Week!!!

Marilyn

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Managing Stress

Thu, 11 May 2017 17:15:00 GMT

This is a topic we keep visiting here but for good reason. I dare you to find 10 people who can honestly tell you that they are not that stressed right now!

Today let’s talk about managing stress around big undertakings. I feel like I’m getting to practice this one as Bill and I tackle creating The Cedars . Working with others in their big projects has also allowed me insight in to some of the tools that work.

Let’s look at both principles and practical ideas to support them.

I nstead of looking at the whole project or transition in front of you, start to break it down in to components. (How do you eat an elephant?)

What tools help here? It can be as simple as creating some color poster boards for the different aspects (buckets). Obviously there are digital tools that can help here too - all the way from Project Management tools to as simple as spreadsheets.

What are your different buckets right now?

Design the high-level series of steps needed from where you are now to the finish line. This can include a timeline or simply the big milestones and steps.

This step is important so that you are not caught at the end having forgotten important pieces or really scrambling simply from lack of planning. Visual tools really help. Plotting items from your different buckets along 1 large timeline can start to give the different parts a home so that you are not carrying the weight of trying to get it all done in your head.

Placing ideas and “to-dos” on paper do not lessen them but it reduces stress because we can start to see how we will get to it all.

Of all that is on your plate right now, what could you apply a timeline too?

Make a resource list. It is critical to start here with who and what can help in any way. I think it helps to separate this from the specific tasks because it is easy to get too narrow in what we ask for.

Who are the people that can help? What can you outsource, even if it’s short-term?

Figure out concrete, super specific first steps in each bucket. The more specific you can be here the easier the next step will be. SMART goals has been around forever but there’s a reason for that. It’s a good starting place! Great website with resources:

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm

Where do you need to start? How much time will each step take?

Match resources to specific tasks and make “the ask”. People often tell us that they want to help but there is a big gap between that and actually having them help. An “ask” that is more likely to end in you getting help is:

Very specific in what the task is (rip out the old plant and put in 20 tomato plants)

Time-bound (e.g. 3 hours)

Offers a couple of specific options (e.g. Tuesday or Thursday afternoon)

What matching could you do in your life right now?

It might include, for the next 2 months I’m going to hire a cleaner or have meals delivered, whatever would allow you to do what you do best.

Here's to your success in your big project and transitions!!!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Tools for Difficult Conversations

Thu, 04 May 2017 05:00:00 GMT

This week I’m getting to speak in Wimberley. The Chamber of Commerce is having it’s first ever small business week with a day of seminars and a day of exhibitions. The topic is difficult conversation tools so let’s chat about that that today.

As I prepared for the 1-hour workshop, I started by listing what does make conversations and conflict difficult at times:

The list could continue but it is already overwhelming. It is almost more amazing that we ever actually can get through difficult conversations!

So, where to start if you want to make difficult conversations easier?

Prepare: Take time to prepare for potentially difficult conversations by reflecting and getting very specific with what you want to bring up. What are the 1 or 2 things that are core that you’d like to be heard on?

Discharge: Discharge some of the emotion by validating it for yourself - journaling is a great way to do this. Going in to a conversation expecting to be validated by the other person adds extra potential for the conversation to go sideways fast.

Listen: Be prepared to listen. One of the quickest ways to bring down someone’s defensiveness and anger is to actually hear them. Ask questions like “Can you tell me more?” or simply reflecting back what you are hearing, including the emotions, can really discharge their desire to escalate.

Take Turns: When we are trying to be heard at the same time as the other person, usually no one gets really heard. Delaying your response until they feel heard often simplifies or changes what you feel you need to say. When a conversation is really intense these turns can even be separated more severely. Listen to one person with no response and then take time to process.

Separate the Issue: Separate out the issue from the relationship. Whenever possible look at the upsetting issue or situation together as if it stands alone as something you can both brainstorm and strategize about. Two heads are better than one! Remembering that the issue is not the other person but a specific behavior or situation helps to keep it in perspective.

The absolute best relationships, highest functioning teams, companies, etc. have figured out how to embrace conflict and use it as an opportunity for growth and insight.

Are there difficult conversations you have been avoiding? What step are you willing to take next?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Conscious Relaxation

Thu, 27 Apr 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Yesterday I fell asleep on my bed with my mouth full of food and my feet hanging off the end of the bed. It was the grown-up version of the toddler who face-plants into their food in their highchair.

This is not my normal, in case you were wondering. I had 2.5 hours of dental work done and chose to be “consciously sedated”. Bill might question the “conscious” part as he had to get me home after.

Here’s my point. I went from high anxiety to very relaxed. This is NOT a blog recommending drugs. What I want to talk about is our ability to make conscious choices to bring our stress level down AND/OR do things that are highly relaxing.

I could have gone through the dental experience without sedation. “Toughed-it-out”. What would I have proven? Even now I am having to resist to urge to justify to all of you why I did not tough it out. I’m resisting.

What matters is that I respected my emotional and physical resources, my overall well-being, enough to go the easier route. That’s not “chicken” or cowardice, that’s smart, in my opinion.

So, what could reduce your stress level this week?

Better delegation?

Leaving work on time a couple of evenings?

Going for a walk in nature?

Seeing the Dr. over a health concern you have been trying to ignore?

We all do it - try to just ignore our stress. That’s the sick thing about stress - it can attack us both consciously and sub-consciously. So, the more we can be conscious of what is causing us stress the more we can consciously make choices to reduce and intervene in our stress.

Likely, before you can answer the above questions it would help if you took an inventory of what your stresses are right now.

What is keeping you up at night?

What makes you queasy just to think about?

What things make you feel very tired either when you do them or to psych up to do?

When you can narrow down your top stresses you can start to think about the barriers and what additional resources might help.

There is great research suggesting that you add nature to your list. Here is a great article from Psychology Today.

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/why-nature-positively-affects-your-well-being-and-how-to-apply-it/

“According to proponents of environmental psychology, spending time in nature rather than human-made environments has three positive effects:

1 Reduced stress

2 Improved mood

3 Improved cognitive performance”

My wish for you is that you get so relaxed at some point you fall asleep with your feet off the end of the bed. Please do NOT follow my example and fall asleep with food in your mouth!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Networking & Small Talk Strategies

Wed, 19 Apr 2017 05:00:00 GMT

As a natural extrovert, networking and small talk come easily to me, but I still put thought in to them.

If you are an introvert, networking and creating conversations with strangers may be both painful and exhausting. It is an important part of life and often brings gifts to those who do it well. Although you may never love it, I hope some strategies and ideas here will make it less painful and more productive for you.

Maybe you don’t mind networking but don’t feel very good at it. Often we just go to networking events without any forethought. Let’s chat about being more intentional.

Networking and small talk opportunities present themselves all the time. It can be as spontaneous as starting a conversation in line at the grocery store but let’s look at the times when we are expecting (or expected) to do it.

So, you are heading to a local Chamber event. It’s a mixer. You are supposed to “mix”. The thought may horrify you. Perhaps you have planned ahead and know someone that is coming that you can spend the time with. Here are some ideas:

Many people love to be able to talk about themselves. If you get good at asking them questions you may find that they never take the initiative to ask you anything. It’s good to watch for little openings where you can interject something of yourself. However, being willing to let much of the conversation be about them is ok. When people feel listened to it really leaves them feeling good about you.

Here are some open-ended questions you can use when appropriate:

Networking is easier if you focus on letting other people do most of the talking. That means being ready with questions, but make sure you are really listening. If you are nervous it may be tempting to be working on your next question. Just listen well instead. The next question will actually come more easily when you really listen well.

Happy networking!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Staying on Track with Goals

Thu, 13 Apr 2017 15:00:00 GMT

I remember being amazed at how many women were pregnant when I was. Of course the number of women pregnant at the time was no higher.

When something is on our consciousness in a different way we notice it more. If I buy a new car, “all of a sudden” I am noticing that car around everywhere.

This is how our brain works.

That funny saying is relevant here - “Don’t think about a pink elephant!”

One of the best ways to stay on track with our goals and new patterns of behavior is to find ways that keep them front of mind - ways to be very conscious of them.

What we focus on definitely gets more energy.

Have you taken time lately to choose an area to grow in? It might be personal, it might be professional. It might be health-related or an area you want to study. Whether you are a strongly driven person or someone who is quite happy with the status quo, growth is always relevant.

Once you have selected an area for growth and have created strategy and steps for moving forward it’s also great to put some safeguards in place to make sure your growth does not get ignored or put on the back burner.

This is a process I take clients through when we are finishing up a coaching series. Let’s say you have created a strategy for checking emails less frequently. You’ve started a new habit - checking 3 times per work day. This starts to feel like a new habit but then life gets busy. Your new habit is at risk. What will bring you back first to notice that you have stopped your new habit and also to remind you of why it was such a good strategy?

What will keep you conscious of your goals, strategies and behaviors that you want to make in to new habits?

Here are some ideas:

The industry for tools to help with reminders for exercise and diet has become huge. What lessons can we learn from these tools and apps for other areas in our life that we want to grow?

What skill or habit do you want to grow?

What supports will you put in place to support the maintenance of that growth?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Love Languages

Tue, 04 Apr 2017 05:00:00 GMT

This week I'm sharing a blogpost that I wrote last year on love languages. It's always timely! Hope you enjoy!

The idea that we hear love and speak love in different ways has been made widely popular and very accessible by the work of Gary Chapman.

I highly recommend his book, in fact I give it to all the young couples in our family. This link will take you to a site where you can take the assessment (just takes about 5 minutes) to see what your top love languages are.

https://marriageresourcecentre.org/2013/05/03/featured-resource-five-love-languages/

Understanding love languages has 2 big implications. First of all, you will know better what you need and can be more confident asking for it. It may not be the language most easily spoken by the most significant people in your life - but you can share with them how you most naturally hear love.

Secondly, it will help you understand how the people in your life - life partners, family, friends, co-workers, receive love. You can start to observe what they offer to others and even without them taking the test you can start to pick up patterns.

We usually offer love to others in the way we most like to receive it.

Here's the caveat - I think all 5 languages are important to receive at some level. Even if, for example, affirmation is at the bottom of my list, it doesn't mean I don't need to be affirmed.

Also, there is something about not receiving culturally appropriate love. If I have really gone above and beyond at work, being acknowledged for that would be important - that may be with a gift and a note but most importantly, it will have the biggest impact if it fits my notion of what is appropriate.

It's your birthday - no matter what your language is you will likely respond well to affirmations through Happy Birthday wishes for you and gifts. If you don't get quality time with your loved ones on your birthday, that may have a big impact, even if quality time is lower down your list.

Lastly, I'll say this. Look for love coming your way in other languages than yours. So many times I have watched couples feel unloved by each other. He keeps doing acts of service for her. She wants quality time and keeps feeling like he isn't loving on her. Or, she keeps giving him gifts and he wants her to listen deeply and affirm and encourage him.

Being aware of love languages can help us understand ourselves and others better.

What is your love language? What is the love language of the people in your life?

Until next week,

Marilyn.

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Facing Fear in Texas Y'all!

Thu, 30 Mar 2017 05:00:00 GMT

When it comes to fear in some ways I’m very fearless and in others I’m a scaredy cat. One of the highest ranked fears - public speaking - I quite enjoy. I don’t like having needles but they don’t really bother me. Heights, splinters, spiders, snakes and bugs in general, I’m not so good with.

When I was a little girl I would draw a squiggly line and then scream “snake!!!”. My brothers thought they had devised a brilliant way of keeping me out of their room when they were away at school and I was still home (they are 5 and 10 years older than me). They lined the entrance to their room with plastic creepy crawlies knowing that I wouldn’t go near them. This did work until I discovered tools - I’d get the broom out and sweep them away. Ha.

The idea is that at each stage I would sit in the experience long enough to go from experiencing fear and anxiety to actually being at peace in the presence of the image of the snake. I am effectively retraining my brain to reinterpret the “flight” signal more correctly. (Yes, I know there are some dangerous snakes in Texas but if you run before you even look you can’t even describe the snake and don’t even know if it’s dangerous.)

The second method is called flooding. This is where you put me in a cage with a number of friendly safe snakes and I stay there until my fear has subsided and I’m “over” my fear.

Not many of us are brave enough to choose flooding. Both of my sons are fearless in their own ways - credit to them, all the way. My eldest son was nervous about public speaking (like most the world) so what does he do? Stand-up comedy at clubs! That is flooding. I like speaking but that’s scary to me!

So, with my fears of bugs, spiders, snakes and all creepy crawlies where do I move? To untamed land in Central Texas. I’m building a green, environmentally friendly venue with a commitment to sustainable practices including native species. I’d like that to come with only butterflies and birds though please. Haha.

So, I have welcomed my own version of flooding but thankfully it is kind of coming more like frequent opportunities for systematic desensitization. I can’t go outside without seeing creatures, I live in the country. Like it or not I deal with creatures. Strangely, what has helped me, is knowing that I have truly and firmly moved in to their territory. I can’t resent them for being in my space - I have come in to their space.

So, as you know, I’m going to ask you to think about a few things.

What do you want to get more free of?

What has been holding you back from enjoying your world or holding you back in your career?

If you are not ready for a flood perhaps you are ready for a small step. So, firstly, what would the area be to work on, then what would the first small step be?

I have recently gotten 2 feet from a Texas Garter snake and just stood there and looked. That’s huge for me and I’m celebrating by telling “y’all”. (Huge again, is me posting an image of a snake here below!)

Share your victories with me please!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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From Manipulation to Authenticity

Thu, 23 Mar 2017 05:00:00 GMT

As promised (last week), today I want to focus on offering ideas for those of you who see this pattern in yourself but want to grow.

Here is the tricky part. Manipulation often gets people what they think they want. It reinforces itself.

If I don’t want to feel pain and by lying I avoid the pain then I’m likely to try that again.

If I want you to feel bad for me and do something nice for me and that works then I’m likely going to use that perspective of myself as a victim again.

The patterns around manipulation really tie to self-protection strategies - some were birthed out of an initial legitimate need. Think of a child growing up in a family that is not meeting their healthy normal needs. That child will get creative in finding ways to decrease their pain and increase having needs met, whatever way they can. As we move in to adulthood these patterns backfire and keep us from being able to have healthy loving relationships.

In family systems therapy they look for these patterns. It may show up as a child being sick a lot, etc.

So, what is the problem? Sadly, when we use layers and personas (like the victim or the rescuer) we never get truly loved. We never let someone really see us for who we are, warts and all.

If we are not honestly seen we are not loved for who we are. click to tweet

Often at the core is a belief that if you really saw me for who I am you would not love me or you would love me less.

Sometimes we shroud manipulation in the cloak of protecting others from something that would hurt them. I was the “nice” child. It was self-protection - if I’m always nice to you then you can’t get angry at me - and I feared anger in a big way. My niceness was still self-protection.

Manipulation can show up in many ways:

The list could go on and on. It works because manipulative behavior is normal behavior but with a hidden motive. Sometimes it is hidden so well that the person doing the manipulating is not even aware that they are using an illegitimate way to get their needs or wants met.

So, how to change?

Do some reflecting - What are the tools you use to “protect” yourself? What are you not letting people see about you? How has your practice of manipulation served you in the past?

Consider healthy alternatives - Once you are clear on how manipulation has supported you (but kept you from really being loved) then you can consider healthier alternatives. If you showed up more honestly and vulnerably in one relationship, to start, which one would it be?

Take test steps towards authenticity - sometimes it helps to preface these steps with a statement about how hard they are. This is a legitimate way to let someone closer. For example “I’d really like to tell you what you want to hear right now - that would be easier - but I value our friendship so I’m going to be honest. …"

Get support - Pick someone you think will keep loving you and come clean. Tell them you’ve noticed a pattern of manipulation in your life and you want to change. Let them support you.

Visualize - Get a clear picture of what it would be like if someone met the real you, raw, authentic, and really loved you just the way you are. Let that picture draw you.

Nothing in life is better than being deeply loved for who you are! click to tweet

Obviously, for some of you reading this, the support of a therapist or coach to work on changing old habits will be wise. The beauty of starting a professional relationship is that you have no history and can start off vulnerable and honest. I highly recommend it, obviously, not because I’m a coach but because I know the power of both therapist and coach in my own healing and growth.

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Marilyn Orr is a Professional Certified Coach, who, through her coaching business “Capacity Building Coaching ”, thrives on building both personal and organization capacity through leadership coaching and development.

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Influence or Manipulation?

Wed, 15 Mar 2017 05:00:00 GMT

Baby’s do it, Moms do it, CEOs do it. The truth is, we all do it. Some of us overtly, some of us in ways we are not even conscious of. I’d like to write today to help us all think about this - both from the side of resisting manipulation from others and from finding healthier ways to communicate and get our own needs met.

For manipulation to work there has to be leverage. The person manipulating us is counting on us deferring to their thinking, their feelings, their judgment over our own.

Preston Ni has done some excellent writing on this topic and in the article link below looks at 14 signs of manipulation. Here is his definition, it’s excellent:

“ Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense. ”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation

There are psychological disorders - called personality disorders - that take this to a whole new level. The extreme versions can exaggerate what manipulation can be like and really teach us a lot. The attempt to seize power or benefits can be achieved by intimidation, anger, sadness, “victim” positioning, withdrawal of communication, etc.

What are the steps towards being less vulnerable to manipulation attempts?

There are many but here are some I’ve used in my own growth:

Notice. Start by noticing the use of emotional communication in others. Notice when emotions can change quickly. Someone appeals to me through my sympathy and if that doesn’t work they quickly change to using anger. That’s a clue. Notice more subtle situations where for me to speak my truth feels awkward because I’m inappropriately worried about how the other person might feel.

Process. In relationships with frequent manipulators we get stuck in thinking about how they will be feeling and we lose sight of how we are feeling. Take time to feel and think about your own emotions, needs, desires, etc. You might have to jar yourself out of a pattern of ignoring your own feelings if you have lived around a lot of manipulation.

Practice. Beginning to stand up to manipulation may be a new muscle for you. Don’t expect to start out perfectly, it may be messy. Try to avoid the temptation to use unhealthy communication in response to manipulation. The “win” is being able to clearly and assertively communicate in response. Lashing back can be just taking the bait. Practice with a friend. Write out what you want to say. Journal. All these things help bring clarity and prepare you for the real conversation.

Using statements like “I want to acknowledge your emotions of … and I also want to say that my response is …” can call the manipulation out in to the open.

Part of the strategy behind manipulation is to keep it somewhat in the shadows. Calling it out and shining light on the facts really can give you back some power. click to tweet

Now, what about when we see this pattern in ourselves?

Choosing vulnerability through honesty can be scary. If I just give someone the clear choice to meet my needs or not without manipulation they might choose not to. Let’s talk more about that and how to move forward in healthier ways next week.

Until then,

Marilyn

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Upside Down Thinking

Thu, 09 Mar 2017 17:15:00 GMT

On Monday I made a commitment to my personal trainer, who was coaching me, to journal about my upside-down thinking. Why not up the “vulnerability factor” and share that with you? I know that if I wrestle with something, there are other people out there wrestling too.

Many are around my relationship with food.

I feel entitled to celebrating with food that is not good for me. So, my faulty thinking is that I am doing something nice for myself - either to celebrate (which I find many excuses for) or to comfort myself if I’ve been stressed.

The reason that this is upside down is that I usually choose something that is not good for me as a way to “do something nice for myself”. I’m actually doing something NOT NICE for myself. I would love to correct my thinking here. Here’s what I know from my therapy days and from coaching:

My thinking leads to how I feel. My feeling leads to what behaviors I choose. My behaviors lead to specific results. click to tweet

Here are some questions I want to ask myself. Steal whatever ones help you!

Marilyn, what celebration tools could you substitute that are actually kind to you?

What are some other things that really help you when you’ve had a tough day?

You have used some resources before that have supported you in making better choices for you. Which ones do you want to bring back out?

Where do you think you learned your faulty thinking?

If you exaggerate your unhealthy thinking to make a point to yourself, what would your “rewards” be?

When you have been giving your body what it needs consistently, how do you feel?

What gives you the most energy?

Who can support you in making this shift? What question would you like them to ask you?

So, perhaps you struggle in a different area. Maybe it’s around exercise. Perhaps it’s around healthy boundaries or being assertive.

What questions do you want to ask yourself? What questions do you want a friend or coach to ask you?

Until next week!

Marilyn

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The Gift of Writing

Wed, 01 Mar 2017 06:00:00 GMT

Recently I learned that there is not evidence to suggest that weekly or daily blogging supports your business in measurable ways. It takes time, energy and dedication. So, why am I still doing it?

As I share my reasons you can be sure that I will be requesting that you consider the possible benefits for yourself. Not that you need a blog (but you may want one) but that you are willing to embrace more writing in your life.

First of all, I love that I hear from so many of you that you look forward to reading my blog and it’s a way of us being connected even if we don’t get to talk.

Secondly, with a weekly commitment to releasing this blog I have a weekly date with myself. A weekly time to stop and enjoy the luxury of pondering life. A weekly time to reflect and chew on what has been casually crossing my mind.

It is a kind of meditation for me. I have learned to not try hard, to not focus in but to just let thoughts flow freely when it’s time to write. It is a very cool experience that I don’t find elsewhere in my life. All else gets suspended and this peaceful and creative space opens up. (If I were younger this might be finger painting instead.)

The process of writing is often something I talk about or write about in the context of journalling. When something is stressing us out or causing us pain journalling is a highly effective way (for most people) to get both emotional relief and cognitive clarity. When we just think about situations we tend to go in circles like a hamster on a wheel. Once we put pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard) something magical happens.

We tend to not write the same thing over and over but tend to move forward more linearly in our thoughts. When we let go of control and just let thoughts flow (like I do when I blog) then new thoughts, more honest feelings and a deeper awareness of what we have been suppressing happens.

As a society we have adopted a fast-paced, don’t-take-time-to-think, lifestyle. I think we have moved past just suppressing painful emotions to not even taking time to stop and think and feel in general.

So, my third is that my pausing to ponder gives me a regular chance to check in with myself and see if there is anything that I need to pay more attention to.

So, here’s the “ask”.

Would you be willing to give yourself the gift of pausing to write, about whatever you want, just once per week?

Would you be willing to do that for at least 6 weeks?

Without a blog deadline it may help for you to set a regular time in your calendar.

I’d love to hear from you, what happens for you if you take the challenge!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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The Skill of Truth-Telling

Thu, 23 Feb 2017 18:00:00 GMT

Whether it’s the omission of a fact, the little white lie or an intentional deception, we have all participated in offering an inaccurate slant on reality.

Why do we do it?

So many reasons. To impress, to avoid consequences, to avoid being judged, to try and get our own way, to avoid feeling shame, to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, to get the job or the promotion.

Current events have focused a lot lately on how the lack of truth-telling can come back and bite you. Even if truth, because it is the morally right thing to do does not appeal, there are plenty of reasons for learning how to do it, even when it’s hard.

Authenticity is a frequently used word in our society. We love authenticity, so we think. It includes being real, truthful, transparent, even when that doesn’t make you look good. It is not an easy thing to be authentic.

To live life more truthfully, the following is what needs to happen:

* We have to let go of the desire to look like we always have it all together - there is some ego to let go of to be a consistent truth-teller.

* We have to trust people to still like us and accept us when we can’t impress them because the truth isn’t always impressive.

* Fact checking is important before we pass along what we think we know. Or at least say that the facts have not been checked.

* We need to have skills to give difficult feedback to others in ways that communicate acceptance so that they can grow.

* We need to believe that we are lovable and worthy of acceptance - in all of our imperfection.

There are cultures where it is considered more polite to lie then to tell you something you don’t want to hear. This leads to a lot of confusion and further hurt feelings if you don’t know the cultural norms here. There are people in our North American cultures that have adopted a practice of telling you what they think you want to hear as either self-protection or to manipulate.

Truth is tough. You can’t always get your way with truth.

What do you have to gain by embracing truth-telling?

* Respect. Especially when a lie or a deception would make you look better but you choose truth. It is easy to respect people who tell you the truth when that is a hard thing to do.

* Friends. Back to authenticity. People who have the courage and the self-confidence to stand in relationship without embellishment are people who are capable of connection at a deeper level. We can’t be intimate with each other's layers of self-protection. Only with the real person beneath those layers!

* Professional advancement. This is no guarantee but the ability to own mistakes in the workplace can really build trust for you and help you be seen as a leader.

There’s more here but let’s use our current surroundings with mentions of “fake news” and reporting of events that never happened to remind us to grow in our own embracing of truth-telling.

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Marilyn Orr is a Professional Certified Coach, who, through her coaching business “http://capacitybc.com/ Capacity Building Coaching ”, thrives on building both personal and organization capacity through leadership coaching and development.

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Don’t Tell Me I Can’t!

Wed, 15 Feb 2017 22:30:00 GMT

There is a long list of things people have told me I can’t do, shouldn’t do, won’t be successful at doing. Many of those things I have done.

You too?

There’s something about a challenge that I find hard to resist. Yes, I’m a bit competitive but mainly in proving things to myself. (Well, and certain games :))

What are some of the messages that you have received in your life that were intended to limit or “protect” you?

Some of them were possibly gender-based. Some were out of the fears of the speaker, being projected on to you.

Are there some of those messages that still drive you?

Here’s the thing. I love that I can prove nay-sayers wrong but that is actually not freedom. When I am reacting to someone’s beliefs, even if they propel me forward, I’m still being reactionary. Sometimes great things happen because we react.

However, what great things might be happening in my life if I was able to let go of the power of those limiting statements? click to tweet

Where have I been embracing the fears that someone else has when they look at what I am doing? I could not have confidence if you put me in a cockpit and said “fly this plane”. I’m not trained to do that. I don’t have those skills. My vision is not good enough.

I can have confidence doing what I’m “called” to do. I can have confidence with my own dream and vision. In fact, I would argue that I’m responsible for following my vision because it is a puzzle piece in this world that impacts the people all around me. I want to embrace following my dreams from a place of knowing that the dream fits me and will benefit others.

What fears have you been submitting to? Who’s voice of caution has been limiting you?

What passion have you been limiting but actually should perhaps be pursuing? click to tweet

This week we will have our first Open House at The Cedars. We haven’t got most of our buildings up yet so even that feels vulnerable. It would be easy to entertain the fear that we have to be all together, perfect, finished, before we let people in on the dream. We are choosing not to do that. We are choosing to believe that people want to support us on our journey.

Who can support you in your journey? Who can you share your dream with - even if it is in infancy form?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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5 Principals of Encouragement

Thu, 09 Feb 2017 18:00:00 GMT

As a coach I have the honor of getting to hear people’s very personal thoughts, fears and insecurities. We all have them.

We also all get to experience overwhelm at times. At times of overwhelm our fears and insecurities tend to get louder.

Often when I write about aspects of resilience I am writing about what you can do to be more resilient. Today is about resilience but the focus is on how you can support the people around you. (The obvious personal application here is to surround yourself with people who know how to encourage you - or teach the people who surround you how to encourage you.)

To encourage is to build up. Oxford defines it as: “ Give support, confidence, or hope to (someone) ”. That looks different at different times and we all appreciate encouragement in different forms. Let’s look at a variety and your job is to pay attention to the people in your life in order to know what will “land” best with them.

Principle #1 - Keep it About Them

“I’m proud of you” may be encouraging, depending on the relationship, but it brings the focus back to the person saying that.

“Watching you speak to our frustrated customers is very inspiring.” This example is about the overall impact of that person’s behavior and skills and remains more about them.

“We are watching in awe at what you are creating.” This is one I got this week that landed for me at a time of overwhelm. It was powerful because the words also reminded me that what is happening around me right now is big, it doesn’t just feel big. It reminded me that it is worth it to keep pushing through - that the effort is working.

Principal #2 - Be Specific

“You are doing a great job”. Nice but without the detail the recipient does not know what specifically they are doing that is being appreciated. They are not clear on which skills, talents, habits, attitudes, etc. you are pointing to.

“Your ability to stay calm and ask clarifying questions when the customer is mad really calms the customer down and increases the chance of them staying with us. Amazing.” This points to specifics and it doesn’t bring it back to being about the speaker.

Principal #3 - Let it Land

Many people are expert at deflecting positive feedback, praise, recognition and compliments. We can help the encouragement to take root by helping it to “land”. This can be as simple as pausing after giving specific positive feedback. (Yes, this may be an awkward silence - you can handle that!)

Your feedback may be greeted with denial or minimization. That’s when you can take your gloves off, lol. I often pull out humor at this point. “Let’s try that again …” If you really want to play hard ball you can point out that their dismissing of your feedback is dismissive of your perception of reality (but use this one sparingly - it is not about you).

Principal #4 - Get Them to Do It

Even better than really encouraging someone is to partner with them to encourage themselves. This makes it land more effectively often too. It is powerful and intimate and it builds trust. “I’ve been watching you with our customers. What specifically do you think you are doing that is working so well?”

Listen well to them. Don’t let them off the hook easily. Get them to be specific. Mirror back to them what they are noticing. “Your patience is really obvious and it is a very powerful asset you are using.”

Principal #5 - Make it Cultural

Encouragement should not just happen at the bi-annual review. This needs to be part of how we communicate with each other every day. If this kind of encouraging specific feedback is not part of your work or family culture then start making a culture shift!

Give this kind of feedback often. Ask for feedback for yourself. (Yes, this will feel strange at first but it will give permission for others to do the same!)

Talk about the power of encouragement - share the principles (mine and yours) for doing this.

Be more vulnerable about your need for it - if you are a strong leader this may shock people. That is a good thing.

Your homework, should you choose to accept it, is to think of specific things for 3 people and go encourage them before the week is over! click to tweet

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Lessons in Celebration

Wed, 01 Feb 2017 06:00:00 GMT

Many years ago a friend gave me a Willow Tree Angel - this one:

I love her. I think of her as “Celebration” but she is actually “Courage” . Fascinating.

Courage and celebration do go together I think.

I am a celebrator. Loudly and often. (It’s great living on 20 acres where I can really be loud and not have the police come, lol.)

It may sound strange but one of the hardest things I ask of my clients is for them to celebrate themselves and their achievements or their qualities.

Many people find it easier to see the good in others and to celebrate others.

I firmly believe though that the better we get at seeing the good inside ourself, the better we will get at seeing the good elsewhere. click to tweet

Let’s define humility - It is about not thinking too highly of yourself but taking an honest sober look at who you are. That includes strengths. Ignoring or minimizing your strengths, qualities, achievements is technically called “false humility”.

That’s a tough line to walk sometimes.

To create a habit or lifestyle of celebration you need to lay a foundation of practicing gratitude. click to tweet

They are not the same thing, gratitude and celebration, but they are linked.

Gratitude is a feeling. I feel grateful. Celebration is active. It’s a verb.

Taking something from thinking and feeling to action is powerful. It’s like turning up the volume on something really good for you. You know, like when your radio is on low in the car but then your favorite song comes on and you just have to crank it! (I apologize if you’ve been with me when this happens - all conversation stops.)

So, why practice celebration?

* It trains our brain to see the good more often and more brightly.

* It feels good (once you get used to doing it)

* It is contagious and brings the party to those around you

* It gives permission to those around you to celebrate more too (culture change)

* It breaks off shame

* It supports our growth from passive to assertive (Assertive here being defined as ‘a true acknowledgement of what we feel and think actually getting expressed in a healthy way’.)

So, please get celebrating - there are so many reasons to celebrate! Celebrate you, celebrate others, celebrate the good things in your life, the gifts and talents you have the honor of hosting for the world.

I end with a double-dog-dare!

I dare you to write a list today of 10 things about you that you can celebrate! click to tweet

Do something to celebrate them - can be as simple as a “YAHOO”, can be by doing something creative with those qualities. Maybe you take yourself out for a celebratory coffee.

You know I’d love to hear how you celebrate! Drop me a line!!! Or tweet me @MarilynOrr1

Until next week,

Marilyn

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The Power of Mentoring

Thu, 26 Jan 2017 17:00:00 GMT

There has been a lot to think about this past week. Somewhere around 100 topics have gone through my mind as things to write about.

“Alternative facts”, the “Women’s Marches”, values-based leadership.

Some days feel so consumed with negative or stressful news that I’m choosing instead to write about one of the other themes that is filling our lives.

Bill and I are the new kids on the block when it comes to owning a wedding venue or being in any way part of the wedding industry. It has been amazing to find so many generous and kind “competitors” who are willing to share their wisdom. (The supply and demand ratio likely allows for the level of friendliness that we are experiencing but, we love it.)

Out of the wedding show that we attended a couple of weeks ago, we have been responding to the offer for meetings where we can learn from those who have been doing this already.

We don’t officially have a mentor but we have been making the most of these opportunities to learn the easy way.

Let’s talk about the principals here that apply to all of us.

Who is in your life that could share some wisdom with you either in the form of advice or in the form of asking you some great questions? click to tweet

What questions would you benefit from asking this person?

We are loving asking:

* What was one of the best things you did?

* If you were to start over what would you do differently?

* What is something you think we should know?

* What safeguards have you put in place for your own well-being in this business?

* What do you wish someone had told you when you were starting?

Not all advice that we are given is relevant but the conversation that starts from these open-ended questions is rich and always leads to really helpful information for us.

What questions would you benefit from hearing someone with relevant experience talk about?

In a few years I hope we are able to return the favor.

Who can you provide some mentoring to?

What wisdom would you like to share from your learning, maybe even learning the hard way?

Who can you encourage to ask you open-ended questions?

This lost practice has been making a come-back in some organizations. Why not start at least a casual mentoring relationship - the rich open conversations will bring you a lot of richness!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Infusing FUN Into Your Day!

Thu, 19 Jan 2017 06:00:00 GMT

Bill is Always Playing Games With Me!

But I like it.

Games were an interesting part of my childhood. They brought some of my best and some of my worst memories.

Now they seem to trigger this happy place (even if I’m losing). It has been intriguing me. Living in 240 sq. feet when it rains hard day after day (and you don’t have cable and your internet doesn’t let you stream) makes games very attractive.

It isn’t boredom though that makes them so fun. Obviously, with a huge game industry I am not alone.

There is a bit of tension at just the right level - every turn has potential for little surprises, not knowing what will happen next. It can be a bit nerve-wracking. There is just the right amount of competition for me. It is fun to win and it is fun to watch Bill win.

Playing games is a reminder that although there is a long “to-do” list, life is about fun, not just work. click to tweet

It takes us away from talking work and frees up energy.

None of this is rocket science so why am I musing about it?

It was usually a special night in my family when the games came out. Many of my associations (of being beaten severely by my brother Dan at Monopoly) were from the holidays.

When I started hanging out with Bill’s parents I found them playing cards together quite often. This was completely foreign to me. I remember my parents taking turns playing games with me but not with each other.

A simple little game can just put a bit of easy fun in to your day. I think it can change the tone of a normal busy week day and infuse just a bit of party. Why keep all the fun for the weekend?

So, games may not be your thing but what is some activity that you find fun that you can sneak in to your everyday life? Something that can put your “to-do” list in its place?

P.S. If you are a Monopoly lover like me, you might enjoy the Monopoly card game - a pretty quick easy version of the original!

Until next week, have fun!

Marilyn

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What Your Busyness May Be Hiding From You!

Thu, 12 Jan 2017 06:00:00 GMT

What is one of the most common responses you get when you ask someone how they’ve been? “Real busy”. It’s almost like if we aren’t busy something’s wrong. We must not be that important or productive. We do seem to give points in our society for “busy”.

Many years ago I read a book by a man who had done a silent retreat, FOR A WEEK! In case you don’t know me personally, I’m an Extrovert (the capital E is intentional). That is one of the hardest things you could make me do!

The book was about how much he learned about himself during that week. That part does appeal - the more we can understand about ourself the freer we can be. I think that true freedom comes when we allow to become conscious what we have worked hard to keep sub-conscious.

We use a lot of things to keep our fears, losses, anger and pain buried. It, unfortunately, does not lie dormant though. In ways we are often not aware of, we are influenced by the stuff we are scared to look at. Without shining the light of day on this stuff, we hold on to false conclusions and core beliefs that are not accurate.

How do we keep these thoughts at bay? Comfort food, the constant presence of noise - TV, social media, etc. We keep our mind busy.

I think some of our busy-ness is about not wanting to experience what happens when we stop. click to tweet

There is life on the other side of processing whatever comes up! Usually easier, better, freer life!

So, my challenge to me and to you as we start this new year is to allow time for just stopping. Time when stuff can float up to the surface.

Get a journal. Validate what’s coming up for yourself - it’s as simple as writing it. Insights come. Emotional detox comes. The opportunity to choose new beliefs comes.

Take time to check in with yourself - we know it’s best practice in business to have regular check-ins with our direct reports. Same principle - do a check-in with yourself. Better yet, make it a regular date!

What are you carrying around that you’d love to let go of? click to tweet

Until next week,

Marilyn.

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5 Life Lessons from Trailer Living!

Thu, 05 Jan 2017 06:00:00 GMT

It’s a small but mighty little book. It’s called “ Life Lessons: Two Experts on Death and Dying Teach Us About the Mysteries of Life & Living ” and it’s by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (known best for the 5 stages of grieving) and David Kessler. This book has impacted my life in some powerful and practical ways. I highly recommend it.

The book really is simple and profound. It is based on the wisdom from people who are dying. Choices they would make differently looking back. What they finally figured out really matters.

Today’s blog may not be quite so profound. I’m going to talk about lessons my trailer has taught me in 2016. Grab a coffee!

Having just spent some holiday time away from the trailer, it had Bill and I reflecting on it. We measured it last month. As we work on design for other spaces, I’m trying to get a better feel for square footage. We live in 240 square feet. We notice that more in this cooler weather when being outdoors all day is not appealing.

What is our trailer teaching us? This feels like lessons for home but they apply equally at work!

1. Put stuff away a.s.a.p.! Most of our spaces do double duty. The biggest “counter space” we have is when we put the lid down over the stove. Our table is also our office and also where our dishes dry.

2. Notice what you use and what you don’t use. Clothes, dishes, books, linens, all of it seems to be fun to own even if we never use it. That is true but really silly. If you have not used something in a while either pass it on or start using it! Since our space is limited we regularly do this so that what we actually need is handy.

3. Good meals take good planning. I can pull a meal together out of whatever I happen to have in the fridge and cupboard. We have a very small fridge and freezer so planning is critical. It’s really true for other things in life too. Allowing for some strategic thinking time results in a much different experience!

4. Get creative when something isn’t working. This life is new to us. As a result we have had numerous episodes where we lost power. We lost our water supply when it got really cold. We asked many people for opinions and help. Reach out, brainstorm, research! Often we aren’t stuck as dramatically and we just put up with “good enough”.

5. The K.I.S.S. principle really is smart. Fewer dishes, fewer items of clothing, fewer books, fewer everything, this helps our lives and we really don’t suffer for it! It results in less time spent looking for things, less time making decisions. There’s something to it! Less cleaning time and more time to relax!

So, do I look forward to a bigger space later this year? Yes. But 800 square feet sounds enormous right now. And I really hope that I bring with me the lessons I’m learning from my trailer!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Planned Spontaneity

Tue, 20 Dec 2016 18:00:00 GMT

I grew up in a military family. Lunch was at noon. Supper was at 5:00. My Dad’s idea of rebellion was wearing black civilian socks with this military outfit. If we were on a trip my Mom had all the food planned ahead and packed. It was nothing for my Mother, when visiting me, to ask me what was for supper 2 days ahead!

For those of you that know Myers-Briggs, I weigh in as an ENFP. Extrovert. Intuitive. Feeling. Perceiving. Described on the 16 Personalities website: “The ENFP personality is a true free spirit.” ( https://www.16personalities.com/enfp-personality ).

Routine does not come to me naturally but I grew up subjected to it in the extreme. Some of my Dad’s discipline I have envied over the years but rarely mimicked. In fact many years ago when I chose to do a year of competitive body building one of the main reasons was wanting to have a season of high discipline and routine in my life.

So even though my personality loves spontaneity, I still have some old tapes playing that keep me coloring inside the lines in some parts of my life. Bill, my dear hubby, did not grow up in a military family and has different tapes. Thank God!

We had a large day the other day that ended with a lovely party with coaching colleagues at the beautiful Austin Club. Home is now about an hour’s drive from downtown Austin (depending on Austin traffic, of course). Bill suggests we just stay at a lovely hotel nearby.

Fantastic idea. 100% not an idea that would have been acceptable in my family growing up or for most of my adult life. Awesome idea none the less.

Now, here’s what would have been nice. An bag in the trunk with toothbrushes and paste, deodorant, clean underwear. Granted you can get most of that from the front desk, what I want in my life is organized spontaneity. (Oxymoron?) My parent’s organization abilities and passion definitely wore off on me some.

Whichever end of the spectrum you are coming from there is something joyful in choosing to be spontaneous. It opens up new possibilities. It’s like getting a surprise present! Life can get so serious sometimes. Spontaneity flies in the face of that. It’s like hitting pause on all of the “shoulds” that we live with.

It increases our flexibility.

What would growth in openness to spontaneity look like for you?

What would you like to do in the next few days that you normally wouldn’t give yourself permission to do?

I’m going to do more coloring outside the lines. I hope you join me!

I'll be taking next week off to enjoy the holidays, so "Marilyn's Musings" will be back in the New Year!

Wishing you all a very happy and peaceful holiday season.

Marilyn

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5 Lessons for Deep Diving

Thu, 15 Dec 2016 15:15:00 GMT

I can barely swim so don’t take this literally, that is for sure! I’ve been impressed lately by both clients and friends doing the very hard work of personal deep dives.

The people that have touched my life the most in wounding ways have been unable or unwilling to do those dives.

So, what is it?

What I am referencing is those times in life when we do a much more in-depth self-examination then at other times. When we are willing to recall painful events from earlier in our life - events that we have tried to minimize or simply not think about. It means looking at old painful memories in order to see them differently, and often more painfully. (A poor analogy but, way worse than keeping your eyes open during a scary gory movie.)

Why in the world would people do this?

Usually this happens only because the pain or dysfunction of current living has reached an unbearable or untenable level and we will face big loss if we don’t do this work. Once in a while people are just ready enough for significant change that they muster the courage.

From my therapist days, this was often when I would see people reach out for an appointment. Truly, the people who had the biggest breakthroughs were often the people who had indeed reached some kind of crisis point and were ready to do the scary dive.

So, what helps?

1. Surround yourself with support. Not everyone in your life will agree with you doing this level of self-reflection. Probably because they haven’t and won’t. Find the people who have that will love you and respect your boundaries through that season.

2. Include a professional who does this kind of work. Not all therapists can or will do this. Some are working under insurance restrictions only able to offer 3 sessions (called brief therapy).

3. Get an inspiring new journal. This is not me being all girly. There are many different styles for getting clarity but by far, the one I have observed and done personally that is most reliably effective is journaling. Any rules you have in your mind about what journaling is supposed to be need to go. Just be raw - write to whomever you like or just write. It helps bring clarity.

4. Notice without judging. You can use this sh** on anything. This is a powerful way to get clarity. As soon as we start judging either our self or someone else something shifts. Our self protection kicks in and we move to blaming or minimizing. Notice first, feel it raw and separate that from what needs to happen next.

5. Draw your boundary lines. Invariably after this kind of work there are shifts in key relationships. Some of this is because the work we do gives us specific awareness of unhealthy patterns with specific people that contributed directly to our pain. Some of it is simply that in our growth and healing we see that we need better boundaries. This can mean being more open to intimacy in healthy relationships. It can mean more distance or limits to unhealthy relationships.

If you are on a deep dive now, or can feel the need for one coming, I applaud you. The benefits include getting you back and enjoying your close relationships at an entirely different level.

What will you use to remind yourself to keep going when it gets tough part way?

Who can be your best ally in this critical work?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Spiritual Ears

Thu, 08 Dec 2016 18:00:00 GMT

A trend that is allowing us all to be able to have shared language about our experiences is a move towards talking about our spirituality vs. our religion.

What is spirituality?

Wikipedia points out that “in modern times the emphasis is on subjective experience of a sacred dimension and the ‘deepest values and meanings by which people live’.”

For each of us that is different. For some this is about paying attention to intuition and that inner voice. For some this is about a personal connection to a higher power.

What has me “musing” as I write this, is how much our own emotions come in to play here. Last week I wrote about why I love to cry. Perhaps this is my last point on that list of why.

When I keep my heart soft, i.e. I experience my feelings instead of minimizing or stuffing them down, my spirituality is much easier to access. Everyone “hears” differently, whether we are talking about intuition or “the divine”. Unprocessed or experienced emotions clog us up like peanut butter in a straw.

How do we learn to listen?

We have so many things competing for our mental energy. Listening to the quiet voice from within may be something you have stopped doing years ago. Setting aside times dedicated to checking in can really help. By planning ahead for listening times we can train our brain to anticipate a different kind of space. In a sense we give ourselves permission to put all of the other things on our "to do" list on hold for a set period of time.

Like starting other great habits, it can be more effective to start with short periods of time if this is new to you. During that check in time you can choose to just be still. You can grab a pen and paper and write what comes to mind. You can use a question to get you zeroing in - for example “What has made me feel loved in the past day?” or “Who needs prayer (or energy depending on your paradigm) right now?” or “What are the emotions I’m experiencing right now - to notice and not judge?”.

This is a skill that can be learned. Once learned it can be accessed on the fly.

Highly intuitive leaders have learned to do this. People reaching their full potential, in my opinion, have learned to do this. It is about growing a level of trust in yourself beyond the logical cognitive decision making.

The results of this kind of listening are varied. It can be about gaining insights, more intense emotion, a sense of knowing something that you can’t quite logically explain or simply a deeper peace.

Here’s to your spirituality and finding time for peace at this hectic season!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Why I Love to Cry

Thu, 01 Dec 2016 06:00:00 GMT

If you know me you know I cry easily.

I worked hard for that. I had to learn to cry. Some of you can relate, some of you may think I’m crazy.

There are the obvious reasons for loving a good cry. We know that our bodies store emotion - grief, disappointment, sadness, anger, etc. There are a few really effective ways to discharge that energy and having a good cry is one of them.

It not only has a cleansing (detox) effect but can actually bring us cognitive clarity about what is happening. Some of us get the clarity and insights first and some of us get the tears first. We need to listen to both our head and our heart and often those need to be separate experiences to really be thorough.

Here are some less obvious reasons why I embrace tears:

I feel very alive and in the moment, it ends any distancing I may have been using from myself (you know, “I’m too busy to stop and notice how I am feeling right now” stuff). It re-awakens passions and longings.

It is an opportunity for intimacy. Vulnerability is one of the most predictable places for love and acceptance. True vulnerability is extremely attractive to us humans - it is where we most deeply connect with each other. So, I love letting close friends and family in to that vulnerability and let them love me. (Bill is amazing at this, no need for advice, fixing, just love.)

It brings to the surface any murky unclear feelings I have been having. Even without talking or conscious thinking, just listening to the feelings by giving them space brings them in to focus.

So, some of you reading this may need to set aside some time to “feel”. Some of you wish you knew how. When I was learning to be easily able to access my emotion I used to watch some kind of “tear-jerker” show and use it as a springboard. Another tool is to just start writing about what you are aware of with respect to how you are feeling. That usually peels back a layer and gives access to the next layer.

What emotions have you not paid enough attention to?

What is your best emotional release? If not crying, then what?

Until next week,

Marilyn

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7 “Cures” for Grumpiness

Wed, 23 Nov 2016 06:00:00 GMT

We all have those days. We are just plain grumpy.

You know the feeling. You can’t put your finger on one thing you are angry about or sad about. You just feel grouchy. Every little thing bothers you.

I had one of those days this week. What causes it?

If we go back to my resiliency analogy of a resource tank, there have likely been some big draws on your resources lately - could be high stressors, not enough sleep, poor eating, not processing emotions adequately, disappointments, etc.

Sometimes we want to sit in that space. Sometimes grumpiness feels like a good old companion. However, that’s bull. The truth may be that there are some emotions we need to feel but generalized grumpiness will not really help us to do that.

What helps?

1. Admit to yourself that you are grumpy. Own it. The alternative is that you will spend the day noticing how stupid and annoying everyone around you is being.

2. Admit it to the people close to you. This is not so that you have license to continue being a grouch all day but so that they don’t have to feel like they have or are doing something wrong, all day. You don’t like having to walk on eggshells around someone and neither do they.

3. Do an inventory to see what has been draining your tank. This is usually most effective with a pen and paper. It keeps us from going in loops in our brain and it helps jolt us out of any patterns of denial that may have settled in.

4. Get a game plan for the items on the list that you can do something about - that may include some emotional productive grief work (different from settling in to self-pity). Acknowledging, feeling, forgiving, redefining relationships, etc. Perhaps you need an additional resource in your life for a specific situation.

5. Create strategy for how you will fill your tank back up. What works best for you - a walk, nature, a hobby, time with a specific friend, an intense workout?

6. Plan ahead for situations that you know may be big triggers for you. For part of my audience, we will be celebrating Thanksgiving this week. Family get-togethers usually have a few predictable triggers. Give yourself permission to not fall in to old unhealthy patterns.

7. Know your love language and ask the people closest to you to love on you. Depending on how you hear love that could be a long hug, doing the dishes, bringing you home a small gift, sitting down and listening to you or taking time to acknowledge you and your strengths. Whatever you know would help.

I’m thankful to be a Canadian living in the US. I get to be twice as thankful. Here’s the last bit of advice. Even in our grumpiness if we take time to think about and list what we are grateful for it actually does something to our brain. Our brain can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. How cool is that!

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Planting Seeds

Thu, 17 Nov 2016 06:00:00 GMT

Today I planted some snow peas. (Don’t hate me Canadian friends.) There is something so life-giving (pun intended) about starting plants from seeds. Since we are building a commercial venue at The Cedars we have had many landscapers out working. They are creating incredible gardens and I’m so grateful. I’ve missed gardening myself though.

I still get to enjoy the plants that the team has put in so why does it matter?

The process of gardening is a stress reducer. My brain is focused on easy decisions for a while. (Where will I place this next seed? Where will I point the spray from the garden hose now?) That gives my brain a break from thinking about budget numbers, business plan presentation wording, etc.

Gardening, planting seeds, reminds me of a miracle. I take a dried out seed I rescued off a dead vine in my garden six months ago, stick it in mud and water it and it will start a whole new plant with many many snow peas! Wow. That’s wild!

I can’t wait until the first signs of it actually working show up! Little hints of a leaf that doesn’t look like a weed.

The growth is going on for quite a while in that seed before I see anything. The seed has to soften. The message has to trigger that the conditions are right, safe, to germinate. That new growth has to “see” through the mud to know which way is up and start growing in that direction. Amazing.

I have to keep watering it during that time without evidence that growth is happening. If I let those seeds dry up, whatever was starting to grow will stop.

So, you know where I’m going right?

Coaching and gardening have many parallels. Leadership, mentoring, supervising all have parallels with gardening.

Sometimes we give up because we feel like we have been pouring in to someone with no results. Some seeds are so hard they need to soak for a while before they even think of germinating. Some seeds needed to get tough to survive. Just like some people.

Who in your life would you like to be nurturing growth in right now?

Who have you forgotten to water lately?

How about you? Are you so busy doing and caring for others that you haven’t put yourself in to places and relationships that are rich and nourishing for you?

You might not live where you can put seeds in to the ground right now but you do live where you can choose to nourish a human being near you.

Until next week,

Marilyn

Controversial Passion

Thu, 10 Nov 2016 17:00:00 GMT

Regardless of your opinions on the recent US election, it is highly likely that the process has gotten you more passionate than you have been in quite some time!

When we have been lulled in to complacency we don’t even know it. That’s what is so dangerous about it. As the old saying goes “How do you boil a frog? By placing it in cold water and slowly turning the heat up.”

Passion is neither good nor bad in itself - a lot depends on what we are passionate about. However, complacency is hard to say the same of.

Where have you gotten lazy and complacent in your life? Where have you let your own callings grow cold?

This election has provided us all a great wake up call (whichever side of the US border you are on) to own our values, to not just leave it to others to bring about change but truly to choose to “Be the change” we want to see.

Instead of letting the polarization grow, how can we, how can I be a force for love, for deeper listening, for healing? That can sound all pie in the sky or that can translate to me being kind to the people in my life everyday in more intentional, more outspoken ways.

Revolution can indeed come in different ways and what this election has told us all is that there are things that need fixing still. While it is still burning hot, what will you choose to do?

I’m choosing to find ways to support healthy dialogue, to speak up when I run in to destructive stereotypes that run counter to the real life exceptions that surround us.

Running from any kind of confrontation and disagreement used to be my way of showing up in the world. Now I choose to be contrary but try to do so in ways that can be heard.

Let’s take the example of some of the people making The Cedars beautiful. Dario Comache is our head stone mason. Not only is he creating incredible magic but he is the hardest working person I know. One morning after he had just started working at our place I was going to make sure the gate was open. It was still dark, it was 7:15am. As I approached the garden area I literally jumped when I realized there were 2 men standing in the garden. They were waiting for the first ray of light so they could start work.

Dario’s employee gets 1 or 2 days a week off but Dario is there everyday. In the heat. In the rain. Every day.

If someone talks to me about Latino immigrants guess what my reference point is?

Let’s remember that behind all of our stereotypes, all of our passionate views, are real human beings with real stories.

There are a lot of people feeling vulnerable right now. Who can you show some extra appreciation to this week?

Until next week,

Marilyn.

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Dream One Size Too Big

Thu, 27 Oct 2016 14:00:00 GMT

I love this sign. Found it in a store last week while looking for a large Texas Star to put on one of our buildings.

In this process of Bill and I building a retreat and wedding venue we have had countless people say “Good for you for following your dream!” and “Wow, you are actually following through on your dream!”

At the same time I experience these comments as encouraging feedback and sad commentary. They are usually said with a bit of mild shock and disappointment. It feels like “you are following through on your dream but I haven’t made my dreams happen”.

Does it take courage? Yes. Are we nervous sometimes as we pursue our dream, our vision? Absolutely. That’s why I love that sign. This vision, this dream to build a sustainable/green wedding and wellness retreat center is at least one size bigger than comfortable. It’s a stretch.

That forces us to:

* surround ourselves with experts

* ask a million questions

* stay humble about what we don’t know, etc.

* support each other when, thankfully, we usually take turns feeling stressed

* remind ourselves why we are doing this and that there is purpose beyond just growing a wonderful business.

What supports would you need to pursue one of your dreams?

Would you be willing to take time to imagine how your life would be different if you actually did pursue it?

How would other people benefit if you pursued your dream?

I have pursued other dreams before that numerous people have told me would not be wise to pursue.

Sadly, I’m sure there are dreams I have not followed as well because of discouraging feedback.

People mean well when they give us discouraging “realistic” advice usually but sometimes it is more about their fears then our capabilities. Getting wise counsel is important but from people with vision and who can help you strategize around the potential barriers.

Mentoring has been making a wonderful comeback in recent years. It used to be that if you were really lucky you may find a mentor or two in your life, often someone you met along the way. Now some companies are embracing this rich tradition more formally for their employees. What hasn’t changed is that people still seem to be really willing to mentor someone and see it as a big compliment to be asked.

Who do you look up to that might be willing to be a mentor to you around your dream?

Obviously, hiring a coach is a great way of getting support too. I make regular use of being coached. It is their job to give honest feedback, see potential, ask me the tough questions.

Some of us have some old haunting messages from way back. Statements made by others that we have let limit and haunt us. These are heavy weights and they are destructive. Can you think of limiting beliefs you picked up along the way?

I love thinking of our inner negative self-talk as a duck. It takes work to shut the duck up, especially if it is a duck we have lived with for a long time. What do you need to tell your duck?

How big has your duck gotten? Last year I met a very big duck. Had to include this picture.

Please, take this opportunity to revisit your dreams that are sitting on the back burner!

Until next week,

Marilyn

What Do Values Have to Do With It?

Thu, 20 Oct 2016 16:45:00 GMT

This is my first time living in the US during an election. What a wild first experience! It has me thinking a lot about values. I would like to ponder values from different angles without being explicitly political. (Wish me luck!)

In the world of executive and leadership coaching we think and talk a lot about values. We talk values when we work with companies on culture shifts. We talk values when looking at potential hires or potential job offers. Understanding values matters when a new leader is wanting to get effectively connected to his/her team.

How do values and behavior co-relate? Are our core values good predictors of our future behavior choices?

I love how this public sector website in Australia puts it: http://publicsector.sa.gov.au/wp-content/uploads/changesa/2013/05/Values_and_behaviours_FRAMEWORK_FACT_SHEET.pdf

Behaviors can easily be mis-interpreted as a result of personality differences or cultural differences. That being said, our behaviors do flow from our beliefs, values, personal principles and our core beliefs about the world, ourselves, and others.

Sometimes people end up in job roles that conflict with their values. This creates an enormous amount of stress. The easiest one to feel I think is someone in a high-target sales position who has a strong value around respecting the expressed wishes of others. This person has to disregard the social and moral cues that they have lived their life around in order to push past objections and close a sale.

Since behaviors do indeed highlight our values and beliefs it is a great place for us each to increase our own self-awareness. If I say I have a core value of reducing poverty but do nothing in any way to impact poverty - not by donating, not by volunteering, not by voting accordingly, not by helping people I personally can, then I need to question how much of a core value is it for me?

If I claim I have a certain value but my actions line up opposite to that value then it’s just talk or, like the sales example, I am living in a way that will create some inner turmoil. We can eventually get used to the stress of this disconnect. I think the expression “dull your conscience” is appropriate.

It’s so easy right now to point fingers at examples of glaring disconnects between stated values and actual behavior choices. I’m choosing to take this opportunity to reflect on my own values and behaviors and to make sure there is a good alignment.

There are fantastic assessments to help you examine your values. In one I did with a couple of amazing coaches I worked with these 4 values showed up among my highest: benevolence, stimulation, universalism and self-direction. How can I use that to look at my life and if I’m being consistent?

Truly I can look at every day decisions I’m making and use them as the acid test. If I’m feeling frustrated I can take time to examine if in that area of frustration I’m acting contrary to one of my core values. As Bill and I create our wellness and wedding venue we encounter decisions almost daily where we remind each other of who we want to be and how we want to show up in the world. This translates to how we want to treat contractors, guests, each other and even ourselves.

Where are you feeling disconnects in your world between your values and your behaviors?

Do you have a dream that would let you live out your core values significantly more than in the work you are doing now?

What is a first step you could take towards better aligning with your values?

Thanks for pondering with me!

Until next week,

Marilyn

Defensiveness

Thu, 13 Oct 2016 05:00:00 GMT

I Am NOT Defensive!

It is a truly rare thing to find someone who doesn’t easily get defensive. Extremely rare actually.

Today I want to ponder some reasons behind why we get defensive so that we can figure out some more effective strategies moving forward.

Increasingly I have people tell me that they read my blog after having had time with me to see if I’m writing something about them. I’m thrilled to have readers but I want to say up front - this blog is not about specific situations or individuals. Everything I write about applies to most if not all of us. Today is no exception - any resemblance to you is just because you are human!

So, someone gives you feedback or tells you something they would like you to change and you kick in to defensive mode. That can look like justifying your action. It can look like coming back with what they do wrong (related or not). It can look like the silent treatment where you block them out emotionally, etc.

None of us would honestly say that we are perfect. (If you do then it’s time to get help for real.) So, knowing we aren’t perfect could logically lead to being at peace with feedback. Not so for most of us.

Some of the reasons why feedback triggers defensiveness:

* Even if I know my weaknesses I would rather you didn’t

* When I look at my shortcomings I wrestle with not liking me and assume you will too

* It feels like you think you are better than me when you point out stuff to me

* I have had experiences where feedback is followed by rejection so I expect that

* At some level I try to be perfect so I am not comfortable looking at growth areas

* I don’t have the skills to give honest feedback so when I’m being given some it pushes my buttons enough that I give feedback defensively that I’ve been sitting on for a while

So, we all can relate at some level. The problem is that the love we are craving we push away when we get defensive.

What’s the answer?

It is not perfection. It is about getting more comfortable with the truth that in our imperfection we are totally lovable and valuable. Brené Brown would say that we are “worthy of love and belonging”.

How do we practice a new pattern? How do we let people love us and accept us in our imperfection and grow to do the same for ourselves?

Saying stuff out loud is remarkably powerful. When we notice a conversation going off the rails switch to talking about that. Once it goes off the rails with defensiveness there is very little healthy communication happening. So, solicit the help of the other person - e.g.:

* I’m feeling really defensive right now and I know I’m not hearing you well

* I can feel my buttons being pushed and I’m not sure what’s going on in me

* My fear of rejection is being triggered - can you reassure me about the big picture of our relationship?

* I really want to hear your feedback and concerns but I’m really reacting instead - can we take a break for me to get in the right space?

Some people set up patterns for how they want to have feedback conversations. Having structure makes the process more normal and predictable and less scary. Here are two models that you may find helpful.

1. On a regular basis pick a part of your relationship that you are wanting to see growth in. Ask these 3 questions from the world of appreciative coaching: i) What is working well?, ii) What is tricky?, and iii) What would we like to do differently moving forward? In this model you each take turns answering each question and make sure to really work on what’s going well.

2. Person #1 says 3 statements about the situation while person #2 listens. Person #2 repeats those statements back until person #1 feels that they really heard them correctly. Then person #1 continues until they have felt heard on their points. This slows down the process and because it removes immediate feedback it takes out the temptation to respond right away in a defensive way.

Both of these take practice, for sure but immediately you can feel the difference of really being heard, which is the point after all!

Until next week,

Marilyn

Black and White

Tue, 04 Oct 2016 14:30:00 GMT

Not sure what it says about me but I love to have people blindfolded and led around while blindfolded. This, by the way, is usually part of a leadership training activity, not just with total strangers at the grocery store!

When I debrief this activity one thing that always comes up is that even with strict instructions to the leaders to stay totally quiet, the people being led automatically are trying to figure out who is leading them.

Why?

When I push on this, the answer I get is that if they know who is leading them they will be better able to predict what their experience will be like.

Interesting.

Our brains love to jump ahead to be ready for the next experience. On the whole of course, this is good. However, our brain does not always get it right. Our need to package and predict can lead us to generalizations that are harmful and not helpful.

Holding on to mystery and unpredictability is something I am growing to value more and more. The older I get, the less I see as black and white. This is true for so much of life but today I want us to ponder diversity.

If you simply google benefits of diversity in the workplace you will see how popular a topic it is. There are plenty of studies now documenting the benefits both to the bottom line and to softer statistics like increased creativity and problem solving.

Let’s bring it home though.

Based on our own experiences we end up with assumptions about “men”, “women”, “black people”, “Millennials”, etc. Not only are these assumptions never true about all “men”, etc. but what ends up happening is that we don’t notice the exceptions. We don’t notice, for example, when a man just does the dishes if we have a stereotype that men don’t do much around the house.

Stereotypes are often triggered by a larger than average experience of a certain population. When we notice that a few times we jump to conclusions about the whole population (it helps us control and predict). So, let’s make up a group so we don’t offend anyone.

Let’s say that I have a bad experience with purple elephants driving. After 2 or 3 of these incidents I draw the conclusion that purple elephants are bad drivers. Now I will be looking for this and see many situations that back up my belief.

I will NOT be noticing the purple elephants that I have no incidents with, not noticing the ones that are driving well. I won’t be able to tell you the ratio of bad to good purple elephant drivers. I will just be able to tell you that purple elephants make poor drivers.

Even if the facts are that more purple elephants are poor drivers compared to pink ones the chance is good that my stereotype is no where near the actual statistical difference.

So, some of us have to be honest with ourselves about the stereotypes we hold about groups of people and remember that our world is made up of individuals and that we should offer credit to others like we would like offered to us.

My experience of a certain person may have been negative in some way. That same tendency our brain has to make assumptions still applies. You let me down before so I should probably expect you to do that again. I may as well not ask much of you because you will probably not come through. We end up not asking much of others or judging them pre-maturely. We send them messages about how little we expect of them. Like that old saying, but tweaked, whether you think they can or think they can’t, you are right .

Where do you need to examine your judgments and assumptions? (We all do.)

Until next time,

Marilyn

Grateful in Little Rock

Mon, 26 Sep 2016 17:00:00 GMT

Do you ever wonder if “life”, “God” or “the universe” is trying to teach you a lesson? Today I am spending 9 hours in the Little Rock, Arkansas airport as a result of our second emergency aircraft landing in 2 months. Hmmm.

I have grown less convinced over the years that there is meaning behind everything that happens but this is quite interesting when after decades of flying quite often this has not happened to me before.

Regardless of your religious or spiritual orientation I think it’s wise to pay attention to the patterns that repeat in your life.

Do you keep attracting the same kind of unhealthy relationships?

How about spending habits that repeat and land you in trouble?

Do you have stress (mis)management patterns that land you in “burned out” before you notice and correct?

Before leaving on this trip we had a chance to use up what we had in the fridge and freezer (small as they are in our trailer). I like the parallel. We took inventory. We assessed and made plans to use our resources.

What areas of your life should you be taking inventory on right now? What needs to be re-assessed, thought through or newly appreciated?

Taking time to ponder can allow us to reframe and gain perspective.

It has been fun today to double the size of the population at this airport with a plane full of Canadians and Canadian-friendly Americans. Rounds were purchased at the (one and only) bar by a friendly Newfoundlander, stories shared, turns taken in the massage chairs, etc. What could have been a painful delay has actually been quite a fun day. We met a man who knows a guy who caters weddings where our venue is, we got a great contact.

What do you need time to reframe?

So back to the emergency landings. I recently took the VIA Character Strengths assessment (I recommend this free assessment https://www.viacharacter.org/www/). My highest was gratitude. Although in both of these landings we landed safely they were certainly a reminder of all we have in our lives. We are loved and have so many amazing people in our lives - family, friends and each other. God forbid that something happens to us but what a rich fulfilling life we have already had!

So, whatever other lesson we are to be learning right now, we are embracing this as a chance to see how very blessed and rich our lives are!

What are you grateful for?

Until next week,

Marilyn

Blank Slates

Thu, 15 Sep 2016 15:10:00 GMT

As I write this I’m looking out my window at a blank slate, in my garden that is. One of the most exciting things about this piece of property when we bought it was the fenced garden. It’s 50’ by 75’ with a fence high enough to keep deer out. (As we learned this year, not high enough to keep raccoons, etc. out, lol.)

It was beautiful to me after not having my own place for some time. Granted, the garden had not been looked after for quite some time and it had LOTS of weeds. The stone walls were not the stone walls I would have build - they were sturdy but crooked, made of cinder blocks and not even BUT, it was a big garden.

Having that blank space is really impactful. It is so much easier to picture what we want in there. With the old garden there we were so tempted to just make tweaks instead of really making the garden in to what we really want it to be.

If you have been following our Cedars Ranch blog you know that this garden served us well. We have harvested: peas, snow peas, cucumbers, a dozen different herbs, asparagus, watermelon, cantaloupe, peppers, squash, tomatoes, corn, and on and on the list goes.

So, why then, would we tear it down if it was so productive?

We have a dream for something better in there. Something more beautiful, more inviting.

It feels like life. We can be so satisfied with good enough that it’s hard to want to take a chance on letting go of what we have already to reach for something better. We know that what we have works at some level but we also know that we are craving and have a vision for that “something more”, whatever that may be.

I’m not going to tell you to go for it. Only you can know if and when you should go for that dream in your life. What I can tell you is that something amazing happens inside when you follow a dream that has been niggling away at you, trying to get you to listen.

What dream have you put on the back burner?

Where have you been settling for “good enough”?

If you could have a blank slate somewhere in your life to start over, where would it be?

Until next week,

Marilyn.

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5 Methods For More Effective Anger

Wed, 07 Sep 2016 22:50:00 GMT

This week I have been deeply touched by a number of you sharing deeply personal stories about your own experiences with anger and rage. I have heard from people wrestling with the impact of someone else’s anger expressions but I have also heard from people who know that they might be the one expressing anger in ways that may hurt people they love.

Although I’m coming from a place of having to learn to express anger, I have learned a few things over the years that are relevant for those of you wanting to get better at expressing anger in ways that respect your relationships more.

1. It is rarely true that your point will be lost by not expressing it immediately.

Truly, having time to reflect on what you want to say and on how you are feeling can bring better clarity and can allow you to be more succinct when you share it. That urgency you feel to have to express yourself right now is most likely a reflection of an area that you may want to work on - in emotional intelligence work we call it “Impulse Control”. It’s about not needing to act on that impulse right now but knowing you will not lose anything by waiting and reflecting.

2. What you consider a passionate expression of your true feelings may cross the line and be a true hurting of someone else.

Growth is not about being less aware of your feelings or about being less passionate. It is about learning how to be heard more effectively when you are expressing them. When we escalate our message by threatening body language such as yelling or slamming or throwing things, we offer a choice to the person we are connecting with: fight or flight. Even highly trained professional mediators still experience this - it is deeply human.

Either the other person will respond back with escalated anger or they will find a way to protect themself. Either way, they are no longer able to hear you. Not only that but now you do not feel safe to them and emotional distance has likely been created.

3. It is easy to get so caught up in being heard and wanting to make our point that we don’t even notice how the way we are communicating is alienating and hurting the people we love the most in the world.

Have you noticed that once your passionate anger or rage kicks in you really are not very good at reading the body language of the person you are yelling at? It really does become all about you and you getting heard.

4. If the result you want is better understanding - for both parties - pick a time that you can both come able to talk.

The surprise attack or insisting on talking something through right then may indeed give you psychological advantage - what you win is the argument, possibly, but what you lose is intimacy, respect and the chance to really love how you communicated.

5. Taking turns sharing and being really heard on our point before allowing a response.

This is a great way to slow it down and make sure both parties get heard. The LAER model is a fantastic way to practice this. (Link below) Be courageous and even offer to be the first to listen. (This takes strength and a belief that if you listen well you will actually be listened to better by the other person.)

http://10minutemanager.com/laer-method-better-communicator/

This is just scratching the surface. As I said last week, if this is an area you struggle with, it is so worth getting support while you work on changing!!!

A year and a half ago I sat with my Dad on his deathbed and heard him talk about how he had really wished he had learned this in his life. Believe me, many tears were shed.

Reach out please, if I can help.

Until next week,

Marilyn

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The Aftermath of Childhood

Thu, 01 Sep 2016 13:00:00 GMT

Growing up there was one person who got to get angry in my family. Dad. He did not have skills for self-management, communication or stress-reduction so his anger translated to outbursts of rage.

My Dad is gone so why is this relevant now?

Many of us have grown up with a parent who raged or have been in an adult relationship with someone who rages. Perhaps you are that person. I want us to consider some of the common long-term impacts. Sometimes simply connecting the dots between old experiences and current ones can bring us both insight and freedom.

There are many ways to react to rage - it can trigger your own rage or it can shut you down. My path was the latter so that’s what I will share on today. I know I’m to alone.

What develops? An adult who really wrestles with people pleasing. An adult that has a hard time knowing and/or expressing their own opinion. Because we grew up with an adult that was lacking in emotional intelligence we grew up with a parent we couldn’t adequately please. We could never make them happy enough. We owned a false belief that if we were sweet enough, quiet enough, smart enough, skinny enough, funny enough, etc. that they would not be so angry - that they would like us and love us better.

Since that need to be loved unconditionally did not get met we end up still looking for approval, often in authority figures in our lives. It is harder to be assertive. It’s hard to disagree with someone who has authority. It can really be traumatic when someone gets mad at us or isn’t happy with our performance.

The tricky part is in the childhood logic that gets seared into our thinking. We thought we were responsible for the happiness and well-being of another human being. They helped to teach us that because they did not know how to find peace and happiness. They likely blamed you and every other person in your family for things that they should have taken ownership for.

Even though our head tells us differently as adults that faulty thinking is lodged so deep we are often acting without awareness of its influence. We are vulnerable to people in authority who have the matched set. They too are looking for approval, to be respected, have their egos stroked and, sometimes, simply want power. There is a magnetic pull here but it’s not healthy. It keeps the unhealthy pattern going for both parties. At the extreme, this is a formula for abusive life partnerships.

So, what is the answer? How does the freedom come?

The very act of being more conscious of the pattern is progress.

* Take time to journal about how you learned the pattern that you now see as an adult.

* Find a professional to talk to about the pattern and unpack the origin so that it loses its power.

* Notice where the discrepancies are between how you’d like to function (at work, in relationships) and how you actually do.

* Start with ‘baby steps’ towards showing up more boldly.

* If you find yourself currently in a relationship with someone who expresses anger in ways that are scary - get some professional help!!!

* If you are that person who expresses anger in ways that create fear and shame in others - get some professional help!!!

There are very few people in this world who grew up with healthy examples of adults communicating their anger in non-destructive ways. Let’s all work to change that for the next generation!!!

Until next week,

Marilyn

"Inny" or "Outy"?

Thu, 25 Aug 2016 16:00:00 GMT

In case you haven’t met me in person, I’m an extrovert. (Insert peels of laughter from my friends and family who are saying “ya think???”).

Two things I have had to work on in my life is:

There are a couple of simple tests to tell you which camp you land in or if you land in the middle. The first is simply “How exhausted are you after a day, a few hours, with social interaction?” If you are truly an introvert this will tire you out. If you are an extrovert, like me, this will energize you (you’ll be ready for the next party).

The second test is to ask yourself when you really need to recharge your battery, what activity is most effective? An introvert usually needs quiet time, time alone, time with a book, etc. An extrovert efficiently gets recharged by time with friends, etc.

I get so charged by social engagements, even if I’m training people, that I can’t go to sleep for hours after. Sometimes this is funny, sometimes super annoying.

I remember delivering training with a colleague many years ago. At the end of a long first day I asked where she wanted to go for the evening she looked at me like I had 2 heads. Although she had to function all day like an extrovert to deliver training she was truly an introvert so it wiped her right out.

So, what are the implications?

It is important to know your own personality and plan to have your needs met. It is highly likely that some of your closest relationships are with people that are quite different from you, when it comes to this trait.

How can you acknowledge what you need while respecting what they need?

It feels to me like our culture in North America both caters to and idolizes the extrovert. They can be the life of the party. The ones that put other people at ease because they love to talk and can carry the conversation.

The introvert is much more likely to notice details and observe important things. It would be fun to talk about behavioural styles and personalities here but I really want to focus on understanding yourself and what your needs are.

Here are some questions to help you tune in to what you need and help you to actively ask for it:

When you have had a day filled with social interaction what do you need most?

When was the last time you hung out with your closest friends in ways that really ‘filled your tank’?

What does your life partner or best friend need to know about you in order to help your stress level?

What does your partner need that you do not need and how can you encourage him or her to meet that need?

The Art and Science of Apologizing

Thu, 18 Aug 2016 05:00:00 GMT

As a Canadian I can claim special expertise here, coming from a nation famous to quickly offer the “I’m sorry” whether it’s appropriate or not.

There are so many ways that we use apologies, some great and some that are not so healthy. Let’s just go ahead and get the appropriate and easy ones out of the way.

I did something wrong, made a mistake, in some way hurt or damaged someone and I apologize based on a thorough understanding of how I contributed. This is excellent. I’m owning my stuff.

Now for the ones that can sneak in that are not so healthy.

1. “I’m sorry” being used sarcastically. The words may be what someone wants to hear but the sentiment is entirely missing or opposite. This is passive aggressive and falls short for a number of reasons. We assume the other party will reach enlightenment through our sarcasm. Highly unlikely but even if they do we have likely shut down communication and may never know. It is much more productive and we encourage the other person to own their part when we clearly say what we are upset about and what we want.

2. We finally have the courage to give honest feedback to someone about something but then want to apologize because it feels awkward, they feel hurt or defensive or simply because it is so rare that we voiced what we need or want that it comes with some guilt that we try to alleviate by saying that we are sorry. When “speaking your truth” is new to you this may happen a lot. It can send a mixed message. The “I’m sorry” is really, once again, for our sake, but this time trying to minimize our earlier expression.

3. I want the other person to apologize for something so I apologize for something related hoping that it will trigger an apology from them. This might feel just fine on the surface but still there is a level of inauthenticity here. It also is simply not very effective and takes away from the genuineness of the apology we are offering. An honest comment or invitation to dialogue about our concern is a more honest and effective way to have these kinds of conversations.

4. “Sorry” can be used simply to elicit a “No, no, it’s ok” response from the other person. This too has a slippery side to it. We put the other person in to a position where it would be somewhat rude for them not to excuse us but also makes it harder for them to give us honest feedback that they may want to share. It can be used as a pre-emptive strike to keep a tough conversation at bay.

5. The apology on top of apology can be more of an indicator that we are not forgiving ourself for some reason. That feeling of not being able to get the point across strongly enough that you feel really badly about something. The other party may also be reluctant to forgive but once we see a pattern of almost begging for forgiveness it is worth looking at both angles - likely you or the other person is not offering forgiveness and some deeper work may be in order.

Is there something else you need to say instead?

Is being silent the most powerful and wise thing to do?

What about a modification to your apologies, e.g. “I am sorry that this is painful for you to hear” instead of simply “I’m sorry”?

Here’s to healthy apologies!

Until next week,

Marilyn

7 Brilliant Ideas - Client Wisdom

Thu, 11 Aug 2016 13:00:00 GMT

One of the amazing benefits of being a coach to brilliant leaders is adopting the incredible strategies that they already have or that they create in coaching. I have been benefiting from many of these ideas so I thought today I’d share them with you. (The odd one may have been mine.)

Consider this a brilliant ideas download, not necessarily in any kind of order. If it reminds you of some of your brilliant ideas, I would love it if you send them to me!

Since I love to ask you questions I will leave you with this one:

Until Next Week,

Marilyn

Story Time

Wed, 03 Aug 2016 05:00:00 GMT

As I write this I am just hours away from presenting to a group on the topic of building confidence. Stories are important in training and I’ve been mulling some over to share and thought I’d share some with you.

Many years ago I had an encounter with a close friend that I was building a non-profit organization with. It was a super painful conversation that questioned, criticized and judged multiple aspects of who I was and how I lived my life.

To say it left me shaken would be a gross understatement. It led to a mild depression and I sought out the help of a counselor.

In the course of working with Jeff it came to light that I had a rich breeding ground for doubting myself with some faulty core beliefs about myself and my intelligence.

Poor inner confidence vastly increases the pain of judgment and criticism from others!

At the time I had completed approximately 5 Masters-level courses in counseling from 2 different universities. (One being the same one my counselor graduated from.) In commenting on how I was doing in them I remarked that “I got ‘A’s’ but just because they are ‘bird schools’”.

Needless to say this did not go over well. Jeff’s response was something like:

“Let me get this straight. You just wrote off two institutions to explain why you could get ‘A’s’ instead of entertaining the possibility that you might be smart?” (Then added, ‘one of which I attended and have my degree from’). Wow.

It was an aha moment for me. It triggered a memory.

When I was doing my undergrad degree in Psychology my siblings and I had all landed at my parents’ place with our partners and a photo was taken of us sitting on their lawn. My Mom had proudly reviewed it in my presence saying something like:

“There’s my son the Doctor, there’s my daughter-in-law the speech pathologist, there’s my son the social worker, there’s my daughter-in-law the nurse, there’s my son-in-law the pastor, and there’s my daughter, Marilyn.”

It had crushed me at the time but, more importantly, I had drawn some false conclusions about myself in that comparison to my siblings. My brothers were the smart ones. Not me.

Why am I telling you all this?

Each of us has a story of where we came to own some limiting and false beliefs about ourself. Places where we welcomed and installed a glass ceiling of our own making for our life.

I can now easily say that I am smart. That is not arrogance or a lack of humility. It’s a fact.

What are your stories?

Where did someone’s criticism or comments have you draw some limiting conclusions about who you are?

Would you be willing to do some homework?

Write out your top 3 accomplishments and then, for each write out the skills and abilities that you have that let you get to those accomplishments.

Thanks for listening to story time.

Until next week,

Marilyn

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Live in the Now!

Wed, 27 Jul 2016 05:00:00 GMT

Hi, I’m Brenda Ryan, and I have the good luck and privilege of working with Marilyn. Having just returned from a 10-day “vipassana” meditation course, Marilyn invited me to write a guest blogpost sharing my experience. I duly agreed!

“Vipassana” means “insight” and is a form of Buddhist meditation practiced for millennia. There are, what they call, “Dhamma” centers all over the world, offering 10-day vipassana meditation courses / retreats. These courses, my friends, are not for the faint hearted! It’s a strict program of 10 hours sitting meditation a day, with your 10 days in total “noble silence”! I attended my first course in Kathmandu, Nepal in 2009. As I didn’t achieve enlightenment the first time (!), I decided to return for another 10-day course! This time, in a Dhamma center in Kaufman Texas (just south of Dallas).

Vipassana meditation is all about experiencing reality “as it is”. To be present to what is actually happening – not the thoughts and concepts of what is happening! The aim is to have a direct experience of the nature of reality, and let that inform how you live.

For the first few days, we are taught how to concentrate the so-called “monkey mind”. Instead of being lost in thoughts, concepts and abstractions, and wandering amid the past or future, we practice maintaining awareness solely on our breath. Solely on "what is ". Yes, that chatterbox monkey mind wants to carry us off on one thought adventure or another, but constantly we bring our attention back to what is actually happening right now. The breath. Being Here Now.

As the mind gets more concentrated and focused, we then move our attention beyond our breath, and start to observe the sensations in our body. Maintaining full concentration on our body and the various sensations throughout. Anchoring ourselves in the full attention of the present moment and how that is showing up in our physical selves, as direct experience.

It’s Day 3. I am beginning to notice the physical sensations throughout my body. As I maintain the stillness of my mind, and hold clear open observation on my body, I sense the ever-changing sensations all over. I experience the cells of my body changing at a fast rate - biochemical reactions arising and passing away. I am directly experiencing the law of impermanence: that everything is constantly changing, constantly changing, constantly changing.

And right there on my red meditation cushion, I realize something remarkable. I AM ALWAYS NEW! I am a different person each and every second. Constantly changing. I remember what my precious Nepalese yoga teacher used to say: that when we are born, we start with a breath in, and when we die we end with a breath out. So in that way, every breath cycle (an in and out breath) is like the beginning and end of life in that moment. We are a constant cycle of life beginning and ending. WE ARE THE VERY FLOW OF LIFE ITSELF!

It’s one of those “light-bulb” moments, as Oprah calls it! I get it! I feel it! I know it! The power in the present moment … When we are fully here, NOW, we are truly alive and wonderfully vibrant in the Life that we are.

At that moment, Eckhart Tolle and Garth from Wayne’s World came to mind! Agreed, an unlikely pairing ... But both, right then, perfect cheerleaders on the sidelines of my meditation, cheering “Live in the Now!”

Since returning from my meditation marathon, I have developed a few simple practices to bring me back to the present moment. You may find some of these are also helpful to you too.

I do these in the morning and randomly throughout the day:

Paying attention solely to my breathing. To every in and out breath. Experiencing the newness in every now moment.

Bringing my awareness to my body. To the sensations, as they are now. Feeling the aliveness in my being.

I will stop myself throughout the day and check in, with these questions:

“Am I in the flow with Life right now?”

“What is my relationship with the present moment?"

Thank you for joining me this week!

May all beings be happy,

Brenda.

For anyone wishing to bring more presence and awareness into their lives, I highly recommend "The Power of Now", by Eckhart Tolle. https://www.eckharttolle.com/books/now/

Also, if you are interested in finding out more information about vipassana meditation centers and courses throughout the world here: https://www.dhamma.org

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